


Azure Waves

by CrystalInstinct



Series: With You, I Can Touch Divinity [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, BDSM, Blindfolds, Blow Jobs, Consensual Sex, Dom/sub Undertones, Edgeplay, Explicit Sexual Content, Hand Jobs, Light BDSM, Light Bondage, M/M, Mentions of Gavin's family and family issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Questionable Hacking, Smut, Spanking, Submissive Gavin Free, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-04-26 06:14:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 51,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14396034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalInstinct/pseuds/CrystalInstinct
Summary: As Gavin continues to explore his desires under the firm guiding hand of Ryan Haywood, the most feared man in the country, he's faced with the consequences from his previous choices. Even under the protection of someone like Ryan, there are storms you cannot outrun or ignore.Direct continuation and sequel to Into the Blue.





	1. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday and welcome!
> 
> Let's get the business out of the way first; this is a sequel to Into the Blue and in my own opinion it's wise to read it first. This story starts at the exact moment we left off in ITB and I promise things will make more sense if you've read it. If you have; cool, welcome back! If not; go read ITB first, I'm thrilled to have you aboard! I know that this isn't a Friday as I maintained for ITB, but since I'm starting work this coming week I've decided to have Sundays as my update day. This way I'll have your comments to help me get through these first weeks of work, but also give me the weekends to work on edits! And for you guys it's something to either end or start a week with!
> 
> This story is like it's predecessor; filled with all the sin but this time there's more of it. Tags will be added weekly if the need rises, but as this time I've got most of the story already worked out I've already tagged most of it. If new tags are added there's going to be a note at the beginning of the new chapter. 
> 
> I'm a creature that thrives on knowing there are people reading my stories. If you leave comments and kudos you guarantee that I keep my motivation up and make me a very happy writer.

_Gavin looked over the rolling hills through the small window. The countryside looked borderline magical in the stormy weather, the pouring water painting stripes on the windowpane. It was a far cry from the city skyline of London, or the small suburbia they grew up in. The wildness of the countryside looked untamed and wild and Gavin felt connected to this scenery more than to anything he'd seen before._

_"Gav?"_

_Gavin turned around from the view to look at Dan. He was sitting by his computer, the screen tilted slightly on the old uneven table they found in this attic. He was looking at his screen, the light of the screen illuminating his face._

_Gavin stopped to look at him, taking the time to memorize the details of Dan's face. The shadows on his face looked more prominent after the past few weeks. The bandage on his arm looked whiter in the blue light from the screen._

_Gavin wrapped his arms around him as he walked from the tiny attic window he looked out of, walking around the abandoned boxes and crates. He was careful to not touch them, the layer of dust on them looking like they'd been there for years now._

_His step was light as he maneuvered around the attic to stand by Dan's side. Dan smelled like sweat and the rain and Gavin knew he didn't smell much better. But being smelly and wet in an abandoned attic was better than face down in a ditch in the pouring rain._

_"What's up B?" Gavin asked as he looked at what Dan's found._

_Gavin would much rather be in a warm house like he was only a week ago before the entire world seemed to crumble around him. Thank god Dan gave him the heads up or he'd never have gotten through the city before the cops got to them._

_Gavin's eyes lingered on the screen but he was too engrossed in his thoughts to comprehend what Dan showed him._

_"The key." Dan said like it was supposed to tell him anything. Gavin's eyes darted from the screen to Dan's face, a large smile made Dan look so much younger than he'd looked in years._

_"What about the key?" Gavin asked, tearing his eyes away from Dan's sparkling eyes to look at the jumbled mess of characters on the screen. "I thought there's no use in the code. That we can't manufacture the key itself."_

_"That's what I thought myself." Dan explained, his hand brushing against Gavin's as he reached for the mouse. "But look at this."_

_Gavin looked at the code Dan wrote and the further he got the wider his own smile got._

_"You're having a laugh." Gavin laughed as he saw it. He saw it all. They had a way to make the key._

_Gavin bubbled with his glee as he turned to face Dan. There was a fond smile on his face and Gavin couldn't help himself. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss on his lips. Dan's beard was scratchy against his skin as Dan's hands flew up to grab Gavin's hips._

_"You're amazing." Gavin laughed with twinkling eyes as he broke the kiss to look at the screen. "I can't believe you've cracked it."_

~---~---~---~

"Will you have me?" He asks looking into Ryan's eyes, into the blueness, into his future.

Ryan smiles.

"I will if you'll accept it." Ryan replies, taking a step forward to Gavin. Gavin's heart sings, he's light again as he walks over to Ryan. His heart is hammering wildly in his chest as he stands by Ryan, their bodies so close that Gavin swears he can feel Ryan.

"I'll do what you need." Gavin says, his voice trembling as he rests his hand on Ryan's chest. Ryan's heart is steady under his hand and the contrast only makes Gavin's own heart stutter. He's still upset, there's still sharpness inside him and Ryan's scent around him feels like gasoline on the sharp flames within him.

"We need to talk about all of this Gav." Ryan says and as Gavin looks up into his eyes he sees worry. The sight makes Gavin's stomach flip and he's not sure if he likes that look on Ryan's face. There's a need that's rampant within him, a loud buzzing and he can't focus on it at all.

"Please, sir." Gavin chokes out. Ryan's eyes dart over Gavin's face, a second of silence and Gavin's drowning in the wild bees within him. God, he needs release, he needs the edges rasped down again. He can't think straight like this, he feels like he's drowning, smashed apart by sharp rocks and he needs help. He needs a distraction from the storm within him. Ryan looks at him and Gavin feels like he's exposed, like his ribs have been wrenched out like wings as he tries and fails to vocalize his pleas.

Ryan's hand grasps Gavin's wrist, his hand warm and sending electricity through Gavin's body. He feels like he's been plugged into an electrical outlet. Ryan's eyes are darker, hunger taking over the deep blueness of a calm sea. Gavin's breath stutters in his chest as he begs for all gods ever created to hear his pleas, to make Ryan understand.

"On your knees."

Gavin sobs his relief as it floods his system. Ryan's eyes are steady, like a thousand-year-old tree still rooted in a storm and Gavin's mind buzzes loudly as he drops. The hard floor underneath him should feel terrible against his knees but he's buzzing with his need, the loudness of the sharpness inside him and Ryan's eyes are so lovely as he stares at him.

Ryan's arms are divine as Gavin sees them reach for his belt in the corner of his eye as he looks up at Ryan. The early morning sun shines from behind Ryan and Gavin basks in the long shadows the light draws around them. Ryan's eyes never leave his, the hunger visible in them masking the worry and Gavin vibrates with his need.

The sound of Ryan's belt fills the room and Gavin clenches his fists together to stay still. The sharpness inside him hums loudly, drowning out sense and rational. Time and space disappears around him as he licks his lips. Ryan's eyes flashes with hunger and Gavin can see how his breath stutters in his chest.

Gavin breaks the eye contact as Ryan's zipper is pulled down. Gavin's eyes are drawn to Ryan's cock, as Ryan reaches into his underwear. He pulls out his cock and Gavin's stomach flips wildly as he whines with his need.

"You want my cock, huh?" Ryan asks him and Gavin casts him a look.

"Yes, please sir."

"You know I still think about you chocking on my cock every night." Ryan drawls, his hand slowly pumping his cock and Gavin's whining as he kneels in front of him. He wants to reach out but as he tries to lean forward in his need Ryan tsks him. "I don't remember allowing you to do that yet."

Gavin's entire body shivers and shakes as he concentrates on staying put, being good as Ryan teases him, his cock so close and Gavin's insides are on fire, sharp and suffocating. Gavin's mind is swimming with the sharpness, with his hunger and with the overpowering frustration. He's drowning in his emotions, too lost to function and Ryan's so infuriatingly calm.

"Please-" Gavin whines, his breath bordering to sobbing but all he can do is to look at Ryan, so divine, so calm, stroking himself as Gavin's kneeled in front of him.

"I can still remember the look you gave me, your lips taut around my cock, your spit running down your face like the slut you are-" Ryan continues, his voice even but deep with his hunger. Gavin moans, his moan shaking things inside him and it feels just so right.

"I am sir-" Gavin breathes, his eyes locked with Ryan's. He can see Ryan's hand pumping himself almost lazily and it burns Gavin not to touch him. He's so close it's infuriating, and Gavin's flushed through with a pressure he's got no name for. All he knows is that this is everything, Ryan's words echoing in his mind overpowering the incessant buzzing.

Ryan's free hand moves to grab Gavin by his hair and it's so right that Gavin's mouth falls open with his pleasure. This is where he's meant to be, like this, begging to be unraveled. There's fire running through him, Ryan's grip so tight as he tilts Gavin's head. Gavin's panting with his need as he looks into Ryan's stormy eyes.

Ryan pulls Gavin's face forward and before Gavin can even understand that it's happening Ryan's cock stretches his lips taut as Gavin opens his mouth to fit him. The moment Ryan's cock brushes against Gavin's tongue Gavin's flushed with intense pleasure, with fire so hot it starts to melt things inside him.

Gavin levels his eyes with Ryan as he braces himself. The look on Ryan's face is so lovely that Gavin can't help but to moan around Ryan's cock and he sees the pleasure roll through Ryan before his grip of Gavin's hair tightens.

Gavin can't focus on anything else than the humming pleasure that flushes through him like tidal waves as Ryan fucks his mouth. His mind is too far gone to care about anything else than that the feeling never stops. That Ryan keeps using him like he's meant to. Ryan's cock slides into his mouth again and again and Gavin hangs on.

There's no thought to holding back. Gavin needs this like he needs a parachute while falling from a burning plane. He needs this like air after being submerged in the sea for hours. He needs Ryan to survive, he needs him to soothe the turmoil within him and with every thrust into Gavin’s mouth Gavin can feel the edges inside him crumbling.

Gavin's cheeks hollow out and the pleasure that flashes in Ryan's eyes make the flames within him intensify. Ryan's so good like this, the need to please humming inside Gavin wildly and ferociously. Ryan's hand in Gavin's hair is tight, his cock so right in Gavin's mouth and Gavin's thrumming with it all.

Ryan's demanding touch takes all of Gavin's thoughts away. He doesn't have to think, he doesn't have to be, he's floating along with Ryan's touch. There's no doubts, there's no worry or anxiousness, he's just present. There's nothing more than Ryan and his hand demanding his head, there's his cock slamming into his mouth and Gavin's floating high and light.

Ryan's hand grips tighter, a delicious burn but his hips stop. Gavin's startled, Ryan's hand pulling Gavin up on his feet as his cock plops out of his mouth. Gavin feels exposed, he feels unfinished as his lips glisten with spit as Ryan pulls him in for a kiss. 

Ryan's hand is tight against Gavin's head, his lips demanding and rough and soothing and Gavin's moaning into his mouth as his cock is replaced by his tongue. Gavin's body's shivering with his need and he lets Ryan tug him towards the desk.

Gavin cries out as his chest is pressed against the cool wooden surface of Ryan's desk, his ass high up in the air. Ryan's body's covering him, his breath hot and heavy against Gavin's ear as Gavin grabs a hold of the edge of the desk. His knuckles are white and he's sure he's actually crying with his relief as Ryan's hardness presses against his ass.

"You alright darling?" Ryan whispers into Gavin's ear as he sees the tears and Gavin's insides flip at his worried tone.

"Yes, please, please sir-" Gavin whimpers, pressing his ass against Ryan's cock. Ryan groans into Gavin's ear, sending jolts of pleasure rushing through Gavin. Gavin's drowning, standing on his tiptoes in a pool that's too deep for him. He's burning with his need, a surge of pleasure running through him with a shiver as Ryan's strong arms pull down Gavin's pants.

The air is cold against Gavin's bare ass, but he doesn't mull in that for too long before Ryan's hand collides with Gavin's ass. Gavin gasps, the stinging harsh but he feels the edges within him crumble with the hit.

"More please, sir-" Gavin moans throwing his head up as Ryan's hand collides with a smack on his other cheek. He's truly on his way to his death but he doesn't mind as long as Ryan keeps going, keeps sanding the sharpness within him.

"You like that, huh?" Ryan asks with a well-placed smack and Gavin can't help the pants that escape his mouth. "Begging me to put you back in your place at my office? While my staff's only a few doors away?"

"Please-" Gavin cries, trying to stop the loudness inside him from escaping through his lips but he fails. His cries echo in the room, his body shivering with the intensity of the stinging and the burning inside him only seems to grow hotter with every hit.

"What's that?"

"Please sir-" Gavin corrects himself and shivers with excitement as he feels Ryan's hardness press against his stinging cheeks as a reward. "Please sir, please fuck me-"

Ryan's hand brushes against his tender skin to soothe it as Gavin presses his chest against the desk even tighter. He needs this bad, he needs this to reorientate himself in this world turned upside down, he needs Ryan to soothe him.

Ryan's hand moves up Gavin's body, pressing him tighter against the desk until his hand moves up Gavin's neck only to rest on Gavin's cheek. Gavin opens his mouth willingly and Ryan's fingers slip into his wet mouth. Gavin moans as he swirls his tongue around Ryan's fingers, his mind screaming already at what's about to happen. His feet shake but Ryan's holding him steady against the table as Gavin coats Ryan's fingers.

Gavin's eyes roll back as he feels Ryan press his fingers into Gavin. His body shakes with the moan that rakes through him as Ryan presses his fingers in, no time to think about anything else than his fingers moving inside him. He knows that it doesn't compare even slightly with the real deal and he's salivating at the mere thought of Ryan's cock stretching him wide for the world to see.

Gavin's chest feels tight as he closes his eyes to focus on Ryan. His touch is like fire, his hand on his ass so steady, his fingers inside him feeling like gold, his rough pants against Gavin's thighs just right. Gavin's sweating through his clothes, he's dying if Ryan doesn't-

Gavin cries out as he feels Ryan's fingers be exchanged with his cock. Gavin reels as he presses himself in inch by inch, stretching him wide and filling the void within him. Gavin throws his head back, looking up at the sky. There's nothing in the sky, heaven's here with Ryan finally buried within him, filling him like by some sort of cosmic design.

Ryan pulls out and presses in again and Gavin swears he can taste the fabric of reality, feel every single detail of Ryan's cock as Ryan builds up his rhythm. Gavin's crying, he's moaning, his grasping on to reality as Ryan pounds into him. There's no thought to anybody or anything else than the feeling of Ryan, of Ryan filling him, of Ryan smoothing him, of Ryan groaning.

"Thank you, sir, t-thank you, t-thank yo-u sir-" Gavin cries, the immense pleasure rushing through him and he feels at peace with the world as he feels his release close, the coil within him burning hot and Ryan's hitting him just right, his cock feeling like fire, his hands on his tender skin tight and bruising and he knows he'll be sore and he's just filled with the divinity of Ryan-

Gavin feels like the entire room's on fire, like they're both engulfed in the flames within Gavin and as Ryan's hand moves to grab Gavin's head to tilt it back Gavin's shattering bit by bit. He holds on, his fingernails digging into both the edge of his release and into the wooden desk as Ryan's merciless, his hips snapping against Gavin's hips like the world's ending and Gavin doesn’t even care if it would be ending.

"You want to come?" Ryan whispers into Gavin's ear and Gavin feels his grip slipping at the feeling of Ryan's body completely covering and shielding him from the world.

"Please sir-" Gavin whimpers, trying to hang on but it's just too much-

"Come on then darling, come for me." Ryan replies, his voice breathy and tight with his own pleasure and Gavin barely hears the words before he lets go, his fingers slipping and he's flying over the edge.

Gavin's sure he's ascended, or maybe descended as he feels Ryan continue as he's rushed with his release. Gavin's shaking, his mind broken and his body battered and Ryan's still so steady, his rhythm never ceasing as Gavin gasps, his soul ripped out of his body. He loves it, he never wants it to stop, he wants to feel this empty all the time, like there's no burden, no worries, only pleasure.

Gavin feels Ryan come into him, his rhythm faltering before he slows down. Gavin's teetering on the edge of overstimulation, his own cock aching with the lack of contact. Gavin can't believe he came like this, only by Ryan's cock and he rests his head against the desk as he feels his bones melt into nothingness.

"Gav, darling." Ryan whispers, his hands moving over Gavin's back. He feels like putty, like Ryan's hands are molding him as they travel up to brush Gavin's hair so softly that Gavin wants to cry. "Come on darling."

Gavin allows him to be lifted from the table. He's too loose to even think about anything else if he wanted to, but he doesn't. He leans into Ryan's touch as he walks them over to the chair Gavin sat in when he came to see Ryan. Ryan's chest is warm and stable, and Gavin doesn't care about anything else than the steady beat of his heart against Gavin's cheek.

Ryan's arms are tight around Gavin and he's being held like he's never been held before. Gavin floats in the sensation of being wrapped up by Ryan, his scent lingering around him as is the scent of sex. He's aching, he's sore, he's beyond alright.

"You alright?" Ryan asks, pressing a kiss on the top of Gavin's head. Gavin hums something that he hopes is an affirmative. Ryan's arms move all over Gavin's body to smooth his clothes, to help his pants back up again. Gavin doesn't want to move, he wants to stay here listening to Ryan's soft humming as he holds him.

"Thank you." Gavin whispers, pressing his face closer to Ryan's chest. He feels his cheeks heat up with something akin to embarrassment. Ryan doesn't let him hide his face, his finger moving under Gavin's chin and Gavin allows his head to be tilted up.

Ryan's eyes sparkle with too many emotions for Gavin to even comprehend. It's like a storm in his eyes, but he's not afraid. He gazes into the blue depths of Ryan's soul and he doesn’t waver.

"There's nothing to thank me for." Ryan says softly. "I promised that I'll be here, whatever you need."

Gavin presses his lips against Ryan’s lips. His mind swirls with the taste of Ryan's wildness that sparks inside Gavin. Gavin's tongue presses against Ryan's, no pressure to do anything more. Just coexisting, dancing with each other. That mirrors the wild fluttering within Gavin.

There's no edges within Gavin anymore, there's nothing but softness and lightness and the wildness that seeps through Ryan's kiss into Gavin's mind. Gavin doesn't mind that wildness, in fact he welcomes it. He needs a bit of wildness in his life.

"You alright?" Ryan asks again as they break for air. Gavin reaches up and brushes a wayward curl of Ryan's hair back.

"No. But I'll be." Gavin replies softly, and he sees the flash of sadness in Ryan's eye before it's replaced with something akin to determination.

"You want to talk about it?" Ryan's voice is steady, and Gavin can't help but to envy him.

"Not now." Gavin replies with a small smile. "I don't want to steal all of your day."

Ryan looks at him for a while, his eyes searching for something in his eyes.

"I'll pick you up for dinner at seven, I've got this place by the sea that I've been dying to take you to."

"Alright." Gavin agrees easily enough and reluctantly stands up from Ryan's embrace.

Gavin's legs feel weaker than when he walked into the office but that's a small price for the smoothness inside him. There's no edges, no gut rumbling terror as he kisses Ryan one more time before walking to the door. His entire body feels soothed, still electric and determined but smoother. He's not bouncing from wall to wall like he was, there's only an enthralling fire within him.

He stops by the door and looks back at Ryan who's looking at him. A thought flashes through his mind as he lingers by the door.

"Do you think they heard-"

"Don't worry about it." Ryan smiles at him. "I've got every office here soundproofed for secrecy reasons when I bought the place and they know not to disturb me when I'm with you."

"Alright." Gavin breathes his relief. "I'll see you at seven."

Gavin emerges into the hallway outside Ryan's office and thankfully there's nobody nearby. He straightens the hem of his shirt and shrugs his hoodie on as he begins to walk down the corridor.

A door opens into the hallway and Gavin sees a tall man emerge from that office. Gavin's eyes are drawn to the messy dark hair, the slight hunch of his back from bad posture but mostly to the myriad of tattoos on his exposed arms. There's something about this man that screams authority and Gavin's stomach flutters uneasily as the man starts to walk towards him.

Gavin decides to just ignore that feeling but when he passes the man Gavin feels a hand on his chest. His heart is wild as he looks up into the tired but weary eyes of the man who looks at him like he's not sure if he likes what he sees.

"Who the fuck are you?" The man asks, and Gavin can't tear his eyes away from him. There's something about him that makes Gavin uneasy, like this man could easily break him in two.

"Gavin." Gavin replies quickly, shaking his head slightly as he swallows. "Gavin Free."

"Huh." The man huffs, looking thoroughly unimpressed at him and his answer.

The man drops his hand and moves past Gavin. Gavin stands still for a moment, looking at his retreating back as the man makes his way to Ryan's office. Gavin sees him walk in without knocking and as the door closes he can hear the muffled talking completely vanish. He feels a lot better about screaming for Ryan now. 

He shakes his head to clear it and resumes his exit. He walks past Ashley who smiles at him and Gavin walks back to her at a whim.

"Hey, um who was that guy with the tattoos?" Gavin asks a bit awkwardly, but Ashley doesn't seem to mind him asking. She stops typing on her computer and casts a glance at Ryan's office, trying to see what Gavin's looking at.

"Guy with the tattoos?" Ashley asks, tilting her head slightly. "Well if you're talking about a guy with sleeves it's Geoff. Messy dark hair and a bit of a haunted look?"

"That's him alright." Gavin mumbles and thanks Ashley for her troubles.

Gavin doesn't like walking back into his apartment. There's something in this place that unnerves him now, like he's not supposed to be here anymore. He stands in his living room just staring at the place. It's been his for years now, but it doesn't seem right to stay here more than necessary. He'll need to find a place to stay at for a while before he gets the money to buy or rent something more permanent.

Gavin sits down on the armrest of his couch as the air runs out of him. He's not sorry. Well, he supposes things could've gone better but he's doesn't regret choosing Ryan. He just hates that he had to make the choice. He can't fathom how Michael hurt him so bad, he doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn't want to think about it at all. But he knows he'll have to figure this out sooner or later.

Deciding that it's still too raw he moves from the couch, lingering a moment on the spot on the floor where he gave in to his urges the first time. And then later cried his pain on. He chooses to remember the way Ryan's hand felt in his hair, how he felt like he was ascending as Ryan's cock filled his mouth. He chooses to ignore the burning hurt still lingering in his bones.

He moves as if on autopilot, moving to the door and he traces the dent Ryan's, his knife left in the drywall. He smiles, choosing to remember the giddy joy in his stomach as he found the knife and the note with his phone number on. He chooses to ignore the way that knife foreshadows their shared doom.

Gavin moves back into the bathroom, deciding on a shower. Stripping naked on his way to the shower he walks past the mirror and sees how his ass is red and sore with the treatment it got at the office. He runs his hands over the tender flesh and he can't deny the rush of pleasure that runs through him. He decides to go with it, to not doubt it and just let it rush through him without a second thought to anyone else’s thoughts.

The cold water of the shower makes Gavin shiver as he steps into the chilly stream, but he smiles at the memory of showering with Ryan. God, he wishes to do that more often. He can't even put words on how aroused he was back then, after all the teasing and all the frustration to be finally allowed to come, not once but twice. To be unraveled, to be shattered and then gilded.

He lingers in the shower, enjoying the feel of the water soothing his tender skin. He takes longer than he strictly needs. He doesn't want to step out of the shower to face the apartment that reminds him of his failures. Of his hurt. So he stays in the shower, relishes in the memories of better days with his eyes closed.

He spends the rest of the day looking at apartments on his laptop. He doesn't bother with anything else, he searches for something close to the Site so that he doesn't have to walk through the entire city every day. He finds one place he loves but it's too expensive for him right now. It's ideal though, and he makes a bookmark of it. He'll need to save up a few more months but he really wants the place.

He supposes he could ask Ryan for help, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to be indebted to anyone anymore. He's done enough of that and he wants to take charge of his own life, make his own decisions and stand on his own feet. He loves to stand next to Ryan, but he doesn't want him to do this for him. Gavin needs to do this on his own.

It's close to seven when he closes his laptop, ignoring the few messages Lindsay sent to him on different social media platforms. He decides on one of his fancier shirts as he's got no idea on how fancy the place they're going will be. He supposes he looks decent enough in his dark skinny jeans and his button up shirt. He clasps the golden watch on his wrist once more, relishing in its weight on his wrist.

As it's almost seven Gavin picks up his phone and keys, remembering to take his wallet with him just in case. He's got the suspicion that Ryan would not let him pay but he figures it's good to be prepared. He closes the door behind him and rushes through the hallway to avoid having to talk to anyone if someone would see him.

He exits the lobby at precisely seven and he sees Ryan's black car pull to the curb in front of him. Gavin smiles, his stomach fluttering wildly with excitement as he climbs into the back of the car.

Ryan's sitting in the back, his usual slacks replaced with dark jeans and Gavin feels heat rush through him at the sight of how the pants fit him. The black leather jacket accentuates his strong arms and Gavin can't help but to throw himself on Ryan, pressing a needy kiss on his lips.

Gavin feels Ryan smile into the kiss, his hand reaching up to cup the back of Gavin's neck to bring him closer. Gavin feels the flames within him feed on his touch and he deepens the kiss, brushing their tongues together. Their noses mush together, there's a passion behind the kiss that takes Gavin by storm, his toes curling in his finest sneakers.

"Well hello to you too." Ryan chuckles as they break for air. The cars already pulled away from Gavin's place without Gavin even noticing. He runs his hands down the front of Ryan's white t-shirt, admiring his broad chest that peeks between the edges of his leather jacket.

"God you look amazing." Gavin breathes and presses another kiss on Ryan's lips. He thought the suit was amazing, he hadn't even thought about leather jackets.

"Look who's talking." Ryan mumbles, pressing a kiss against Gavin's jaw. "If we didn't have a reservation I'd pull over and ravish you right here."

Gavin's swooning with Ryan's words and he's sure he made the right choice. There's nothing more divine than Ryan, with or without his leather jacket. If Ryan keeps whispering dirty things into his ear he'll never regret anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it begins again. *dramatic music*


	2. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday! ❤ 
> 
> No new tags this week, just more sin. God these two can't keep their hands to themselves...
> 
> I've been super sick and powered through my orientation week at work with the help of ibuprofen and general stubbornness but I'm running low in the brain department this week. So if there's any errors etc that I've missed it's because I feel like I've been run over. Hope you guys understand! 
> 
> Thank you to all who gave kudos and commented on the first chapter! It's so great to see familiar names and new ones too! It really made me smile throughout the week to get such lovely emails! ❤ ❤

The car stops at a small restaurant by the sea. If Gavin didn't know to look for it he'd never know it, well if there wasn't a line of people by the doors. Ryan opens his door and Gavin hurries out of the car to follow him.

The sun's still not setting but Gavin can't help but to imagine the sun setting over this place. The small Italian restaurant looks like it belongs by the Mediterranean and not here but somehow it seems fitting. Gavin steps behind Ryan's step as he walks confidently to the doors. The man by the door greets him in Italian and Ryan replies to him in fluent Italian and Gavin swears his heart swoons at the sweet sound of that cadence flowing from Ryan's lips.

Ryan motions for him to follow him as the man by the door allows them through. Ryan's back's huge as he walks through the door but as soon as he's through he steps aside and pulls Gavin close to him.

"Lovely place, right?"

Gavin can't help the soft gasp that escapes his mouth at the openness of the restaurant. The entire back wall is made of sliding doors that are open to reveal possibly the best view of the sea. The waitress by the front motions for them to follow her and they walk through the restaurant and through the open doors onto the patio outside.

The sea hums calmly as waves hit the shore just close enough for Gavin to taste the salt in the air. The waitress motions them to the corner table, the table with the view of the entire beach beneath them, the rocks that break the waves looking warm and soft.

Ryan pulls out a chair for him and Gavin can't help but to blush. He's never been in a place like this, he's never had his chair pulled out by a date. Ryan just smiles at him, his eyes twinkling with delight as he sits down in the chair in the corner. Gavin's seen enough movies to know that he's sitting there to have a view over the entire restaurant and have a sight line to anyone heading for them. That realization feels oddly exciting inside Gavin and he can't help but to cast a glance behind him.

"Wow Ryan, this place is gorgeous." Gavin breathes as he looks around him at the small tables that are filled with people. The sea hums beside him and he can't help but to smile as he looks over the uneven surface towards the horizon. There's something so soothing about the sea that he can't quite name, but he enjoys the view nonetheless.

Gavin's eyes move to Ryan, admiring how his hair moves with the breeze not unlike the waves. His leather jacket shines in the sun and Ryan moves to pull it off. He drapes it on the third chair by the table and Gavin bites his lip as he sees his arms flex in the soft light of the early evening. God how did this man always make everything he's ever worn worse than the thing he's currently wearing. The t-shirt accentuates the muscles in his arms and Gavin sees the hidden lethality in them.

"I love it here." Ryan says softly, looking over the restaurant and finally on Gavin. "I've got a standing reservation here and I've been waiting to bring you here since that first night."

"I'm happy to be here." Gavin replies softly, his smile mirroring the one on Ryan.

"So, you like the sea?" Ryan asks resting his head in his hand as he looks at Gavin. Gavin feels the spotlight on him and Ryan's unwavering attention feels like a drug coursing through his veins, making his cheeks blush.

"Yeah." Gavin breathes, clearing his throat to sound less like he's lusting after Ryan. They both know it to be true, no need to broadcast it to the world. "I grew up inland, so the first time I saw the ocean was something like a spiritual awakening. There's something about it that pulls me towards it."

"I get that." Ryan replies with a smile. There's nothing mischievous about him, just a delighted twinkle in his eye and Gavin's soaring like the birds over the sea. "I grew up on the coast and it never loses it's magic."

Gavin's about to answer him as a waitress walks to them with the menus. Gavin's not sure he's tasted half of the things on the menu, but he settles on pasta as Ryan's orders salmon. The waitress leaves them with a bottle of wine Ryan picked out and they sit in silence for a moment. Gavin's so aware of Ryan's leg against his underneath the table and he fidgets with his napkin.

"So, Gavin." Ryan finally says and looks a bit more serious as Gavin looks up at him. "I thought we'd talk about earlier."

"Yeah I figured." Gavin replies with a sigh but smiles after it. "I chose you what more is there to talk about?"

"Loads of things." Ryan says and leans on his arms, looking at Gavin even more intently. "I'm happy that you chose me, but I don't feel like I understand."

"Michael hurt me." Gavin states, looking away from Ryan's knowing eyes to look over the sea. "He told me things that I can't forgive. Not yet at least. And you've been so good to me, you've been more than I ever thought I'd be worth. It wasn't really that difficult choice."

As he says those words he knows they both know that not to be true. They were both there. But Gavin's thankful that Ryan seems to allow Gavin to keep hanging onto that lie.

"So, what now?" Ryan asks as Gavin doesn't elaborate.

"It's back to normal. Like nothing ever happened."

"I don't think that's true." Ryan replies quickly but they both get silent as the waitress returns with their food. Ryan's salmon looks good but Gavin's pasta tastes like the gods made it themselves.

"It's not." Gavin sighs between bites. "I live in a place Michael got me. I don't think he'll kick me out, but I'd rather not take the chance. I'm looking for a place on my own. It's going to take a few months to get the money together but I'm sure it'll work out."

Ryan looks at him for a while, chewing his food deep in thought and Gavin averts his gaze as Ryan's eyes seem too wild to handle right now. Gavin focuses on his food instead, trying to immerse himself in the subtleties of his food. His thoughts race though, he can't quite focus as the silence stretches for a while.

"I could give you part of your wages in advance." Ryan says finally putting his knife down. "So that you'll get a place as soon as possible."

"I was sure you were going to offer me to pay it yourself." Gavin confesses as his heart races. This could solve his problem without feeling like Ryan's taking pity in him.

"You wouldn't have accepted it." Ryan replies easily. "So, will you let me do that?"

Gavin's silent for a while, Ryan's looking at him with burning eyes and Gavin's insides are flipping like he's on trampoline. He doesn't even know how to start processing all of this, how kind Ryan's being, the food, the date, the unspoken promises. He's reeling.

"Sure." Gavin says, feeling the blush on his face shine like bright neon signs. "But only if it's my pay in advance."

"I promise." Ryan replies, and Gavin believes him like he's never believed in anything before. "That's settled. There's a few other things I'd like to talk to you about."

"Like what?"

"The key." Ryan says, casting a look at the waitress that walks by the table next to them. "I'd like you to start working on it on Monday if you'd like."

"You sure?" Gavin asks. He's buzzing with excitement and nerves as he thinks about the daunting task making the key will be. It'll take out most of his time for weeks if not months.

"I've spoken with Trevor." Ryan says, sipping his wine. "Since you're the one who even found it it should be your mission. And we both believe you're the man for the job with your experience and talent."

"It's a lot of work." Gavin mumbles, looking at his pasta as he thinks about the fact that the last time he tried to make this key he failed and ended up stabbed. He's not sure if he can do this, if he's grown enough to handle it. He wants it bad, he wants to give this key to Ryan. He wants to prove himself. He wants to rule the world with Ryan.

"I'm sure you're more than capable." Ryan says, his hand reaching over the table to grab Gavin's hand in his. Ryan's touch is electric, and his hand feels just so right around Gavin's and Gavin's eyes are wide as he looks up at Ryan. "I believe in you darling."

Gavin blinks, his eyes watering with something. It's just the wind, it's nothing more than the air around him as he feels like there's something heavy on his chest as he looks at Ryan, his hand holding his. It's like there's nothing around them, just the two of them and the sea humming beside them.

"I'll do my best." Gavin replies, his voice strained with the emotions that run wild within him. Ryan just smiles at him, his smile a bit crooked and Gavin's blown away by the softness that lingers in his eyes. Right here and now he can't imagine why anyone would be afraid of Ryan. His mind breathes easy with Ryan here, holding his hand and looking at him like he's the answer to all of life's questions.

"It's going to take a while." Gavin continues, clearing his voice as he tries to make Ryan understand something that even he doesn't know. "It's going to be hard and I can't promise that I'll get it done-"

"If you do your best I'm more than happy." Ryan assures him and squeezes his hand and sends Gavin's heart careening. "You'll have all the resources you might need. If this thing does even half of the things you said it could it's still the most powerful thing in the world."

"I just don't want to let you down." Gavin whispers as his heart aches with the mere thought.

"That's not possible." Ryan says, and Gavin sees the sincerity in his eyes. There's something determined in his expression and Gavin feels like he's drowning, and Ryan's eyes are the shoreline.

"Let's not talk about work." Gavin says with a smile, desperate to change the subject to have a breath of air between all of the praise Ryan's throwing at him. He's not quite sure if he deserves all of them and even though the praise feels like treats he's not sure if he can handle all of that attention in a public space like this.

"What's your favorite color?" Ryan asks, not hesitating for a moment and Gavin's thankful he didn't make it weird. Gavin's stomach is going wild with the flames that seem to feed on everything Ryan does.

The sun's painting golden lines all over them and Gavin relishes in the feeling of the sun on his skin. It was just mere weeks ago that he'd recoil from the sun but somehow Ryan's presence is enough to make it worth it. And since the season's changing to favor colder temperatures Gavin’s more at ease in the sun.

"Blue." Gavin answers and that answer bears more weight now that he's drowning in Ryan's blue eyes than it did weeks ago. "Yours?"

"Dark blue." Ryan replies with a laugh. "See, now this feels like a first date."

"Seems a bit odd to go on a date after all of the things we've done." Gavin says and joins in the laugh. There's something light inside him as he hears their laughter’s mix together and he can't help but to never want it to stop. Ryan looks younger like this, when he's laughing with Gavin. Gavin's insides flutter wildly as he sips his wine.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Ryan says with a wink as he settles down. "Can't say that I regret anything I've done with you."

"Me neither." Gavin replies and the way Ryan's smile light up his face makes Gavin's chest feel like it's bursting open.

The sun sets beside them as they talk and talk. Gavin's sure he's never talked this much in his entire life, but he doesn't feel like he wants it to ever stop. Ryan's listening to him like every word that pours out of Gavin is holy, like his voice is the most important sound in the world. Gavin feels like he might be high with the attention, the way Ryan's giving him everything he's got feels like it should be prohibited in some way, but he never wants it to stop.

Gavin's tingling like he's filled with static energy as the waitress brings over their bill. As Gavin suspected Ryan wouldn't hear anything he's got to say, and Gavin knows there's no way he'll win this fight. Gavin's giddy like he's been drinking for hours but he's barely drank a glass of wine throughout the evening. Ryan's presence feels like a drug in itself and Gavin's sure he'll sell his own soul to have one more hit.

Ryan's hand is warm in Gavin's as they walk around the restaurant, taking the longer way to the parking lot. There's a peacefulness in Gavin's mind that he's never experienced before, and he's got no words for it. Everything that he's likened to love previously falls laughably far from this sensation. He's got no words, just the sensation that this is something more than anything known to man.

Ryan's hands tangle into Gavin's hair as they climb into the back seat of Ryan's car. Gavin barely notices the way the car starts moving as Ryan's strong hands lifts him into his lap. Gavin straddles Ryan, his knees tucked against the backrest as he presses their lips together. Gavin can taste the wine on Ryan's tongue, his wildness making the wine taste like fireworks within Gavin.

Ryan's fingers press fire into Gavin's body, his hands roaming up and down Gavin's back, entangling themselves into his hair to pull him closer. Gavin's kissing Ryan like there's no tomorrow, the fire within him roaring with his need to be as close as he possibly can.

There's no way they'll have the time to do anything before they get to Gavin's apartment and oddly enough Gavin doesn't feel the press to do anything more than kiss Ryan as much as possible. He wants to let Ryan taste the giddiness within him and he's swooning with the sensation of Ryan's tongue tracing his lips, his tongue swirling against his.

"God you're everything." Ryan groans against Gavin's lips as they break for air. Gavin's humming with delight as he presses kisses all over Ryan's face. He can taste the salt from the sea after all the time they spent by the waves and Gavin's floating higher and higher as Ryan's arms wrap around him tighter.

"You're everything." Gavin replies, giddy with all of the emotions dancing inside him. Somehow the words mean more than a simple I love you, they mean everything. If love falls so short, if this is more than that then this is everything. Ryan's everything, he's Gavin's everything.

Their breaths mix together as they kiss, Gavin's dizzy with his joy and Ryan's touch fans the flames within him to a roaring inferno. He's sure Ryan's doing this on purpose, his touch feeling like pure oxygen in a house fire and Gavin's insides flip wildly as he tangles his hairs tighter into Ryan's hair, pulling his head back to get a better angle to kiss Ryan's neck.

Ryan's breath is quick as Gavin's teeth brush against Ryan's neck, relishing in the way Ryan's grip gets tighter on Gavin's body. Gavin's humming with the need to make this last, to make Ryan fly as high as he's flying. He's bursting with how much he adores the man under him, but in all ways above and beside him. Gavin doesn't want to ever leave, he's sure that there's nothing sweeter in the world than to feel Ryan respond to him in all ways.

"Careful darling." Ryan growls as Gavin bites down right where Ryan's neck and shoulder meet. Ryan's hand moves from Gavin's back to Gavin's neck, his grip making Gavin tingle all over. Ryan's fingers grab Gavin's jaw, pulling his head away from Ryan's neck and Gavin shudders as he sees the sinful darkness in his eyes. "You're playing rough."

"You like that sir?" Gavin breathes, every single cell in his body filled with electricity and he's beyond aware of Ryan's hardness against his ass. Gavin grinds his ass against Ryan's hardness and can't hide the moan that runs through him. Ryan's grip gets tighter and Gavin's buzzing with the hunger that roars within him.

"I think you're forgetting your place." Ryan growls, his mouth ghosting over Gavin's exposed throat just underneath his hand. Ryan's hand on his throat tilts Gavin's head to allow him to bite Gavin's neck, soothing the bite with his tongue as Gavin's arching into his touch. "Maybe I should remind you."

Ryan's free hand moves to unbuckle Gavin's pants, the sound triggering a Pavlovian response in Gavin and he's gasping as Ryan's hand moves into Gavin's pants, his grip tight against Gavin's cock and his throat. Gavin's a mess, he's gasping and writhing and he's soaring high as Ryan's hand pumps his cock, his grip just barely a hair from being too tight and Gavin's mind struggles to keep up with the sensation.

Ryan's pressing kisses in between bites, Gavin's neck's on fire with his touch as he doesn't loosen his grip on Gavin's throat. His grip's just high enough to not be dangerous, thrilling instead of threatening and Gavin's mind's unraveling as Ryan's holding him still. Ryan's hand on Gavin's cocks unrelenting, merciless and just sinful as Gavin's thrown into the rapids. He's chasing his edge, chasing that release he so craves.

"Ah please sir-" Gavin gasps as Ryan's hands tighten around his cock and his throat. Gavin's sure he's exploding with the tidal wave of pleasure inside him, the edge right there and he's running, he's sprinting, he's right there- "God, I'm so close sir-"

"Too bad." Ryan growls into Gavin's ear and Gavin's flushed with a heat he's never felt before as Ryan releases his cock and his throat. Gavin's tumbling, desperate for Ryan's touch to continue but as Gavin looks at Ryan he sees the dangerous glint in his darkened eyes. The smirk on his face is terrifying, like he's looking at Hades himself and Gavin's shivering with lust.

"Wait- Sir, please-" Gavin's words tumble together in his need as he surges forward, his hips grinding down on Ryan, but he just sees Ryan's hands fly behind his own neck, the picture of relaxation.

"You really think I'll make you come after misbehaving like that?" Ryan draws out the words and Gavin's fires only roar higher, his hands flying to Ryan's shoulders. "If you manage to come by yourself before we arrive at your place I'll reward you."

Gavin's mind buzzes with the words that hang between them. Gavin's heart stutters in his chest as he looks into Ryan's stormy eyes, his hunger still clearly visible and Gavin's breathless at how gorgeous he's like this. Infuriating but thrilling in every way.

"Tick-tock." Ryan smirks.

Gavin wastes no more time, desperate for both his release and the promise of something more. Gavin draws his lip between his lips as he grabs his cock in his hand. Ryan's touch felt so much better than he's own, but Gavin's too worked up to care too much. Ryan's still hard underneath him, his cock pressing against Gavin's ass so deliciously as Gavin moans as he starts to pump himself.

Gavin doesn't look away from Ryan's eyes as he chases his edge, doesn't shy away as his body is wrecked with moans. Ryan's eyes are intense, darker than the void itself and Gavin's feeling as empowered as he feels naked under Ryan's unwavering gaze. Ryan's attention is like heroin in his system, every inch of Gavin's skin feels like it's burning up as he's mimicking Ryan's unrelenting pace, his hand abusing his cock as he's desperate for it all.

Gavin feeds of the clear hunger that radiates from Ryan. He's feeling like he's floating in the universe as he throws his head back as he's jolted with an intense rush of pleasure. He surges forward, reaching with his free hand for Ryan. His fingers brush into Ryan's hair as Gavin's forehead falls against Ryan's. Their breaths are mixing, the dizziness only heightening the rush of pleasure inside Gavin as he continues to pump himself.

"Ryan-" Gavin whimpers, his eyes locked with Ryan's. He's not sure what he needs but he presses their heads together as he feels and sees Ryan shiver. Gavin cries out his name as he collapses over the edge, latching on to Ryan like he's his anchor. Ryan's arms move to hold Gavin stable as Gavin's quivering with his release, his mind swirling in deep water as he struggles to breathe.

"You did so good darling." Ryan's praise lingers inside Gavin and makes roots inside Gavin's mind. Ryan's hand moves to cup Gavin's face, pressing a needy kiss on Gavin's lips. Gavin's exposed nerves stutter with electricity as he tastes Ryan's wildness against his tongue. "You're radiant."

Gavin hums as he tries to regain his senses in the onslaught of sensations around and within him. Ryan's touch is like fire against him and Gavin's sure that he'll slip to the floor of the car if Ryan didn't hold him up. He feels Ryan clean him up, tucking Gavin back into his jeans as the car slows down before stopping entirely in front of Gavin's apartment.

"Did I make it sir?" Gavin whispers.

"You did." Ryan answers, his hands so warm and lovely on Gavin's cheeks. "I'll need to think about a reward first but believe me Gavin that I'll shatter you the first chance I get."

"Why not now?" Gavin asks, unable to hide the soft disappointment inside him.

"I'm sure you'll be able to handle yourself." Ryan laughs pressing one last kiss on Gavin's lips. "Soon. I'm needed elsewhere tonight, and you've got a big day tomorrow and you need your sleep."

\----

Monday morning breaks like nothing ever happened. Gavin's unsure on how he's supposed to feel as he wakes up early, nerves running rampant inside him. His mind's running a million miles an hour as he gets ready for work.

Nothing's changed for anyone else than him. The streets look the same as they did a few days ago. Gavin can't quite comprehend that it's not even been two whole days since Michael shook Gavin's world and turned everything that Gavin took for granted upside down.

Gavin doesn't regret it. Not really. He waits impatiently for the light to turn green and allow him to cross the road. The tall shadows of the skyscrapers around him casts shadows on the people on the streets. He's almost to work, only a few blocks away from the Site. He can't help but to turn slightly to cast a glance at the tall skyscraper that houses Ryan's office. Gavin wonders if he's there right now or not. Maybe he's out on some sort of shady mission.

Gavin's stomach flips and he's not quite sure if the feeling's unpleasant or not. To be honest the thought of Ryan kicking some ass and bringing jerks to kneel makes Gavin's insides flutter wildly with a hunger he's sure is the definition of sin. Gavin hurries over the road with the rest of the pedestrians and he wonders what the rest of them think about right now. Probably not the wickedly tempting image of Ryan's terrifying smirk looming over them.

Gavin can't stop the shiver that runs through him.

Gavin hurries through the doors to the Site and makes way for other workers rushing past him. Gavin's nerves are a wreck. Today's the day he's supposed to start on the key, the key to everything ever made. The weapon to make the world kneel to them both. The weapon he failed to create once before.

He draws a deep breath as he swipes his key card to open the door to the IT department. It's still earlier than most people would arrive and Gavin flicks on the lights as he makes his way to his desk. He's quite stunned about how ordinary this is, how the desk is exactly like he left it before he made his way to Michael's. He doesn't know how to start to process it, so he ignores it, focusing instead on turning his computer on before brewing some coffee for the rest of the crew.

Gavin bites his nails as he stands in the empty room as the sounds of coffee brewing fill the large space. He can't deny that he's nervous. This key, this weapon is the reason his life turned out like this. It's the reason for the scar just under his ribs. It's the reason for everything. It's the catalyst for Gavin's previous failures, for his lowest lows.

He wants to be good. He wants to give this key to Ryan. He wants to make them both kings of this wretched world. The possibility of power and influence feels like a drug in his system, calling like a siren song for Gavin to take the leap of faith.

Ryan believes in him. Trevor believes in him. Deep down Gavin knows he's got the talent to be able to do this but he's scared. He was unable to do this previously and he's out of practice after all these years trying to avoid painful memories. As he stands and listens to the coffee brewing he's flushed with a cold doubt that feels like icy water all over him.

Dan said he believed in him as well. Gavin was so cocky back then, sure of himself and his talent. How the mighty fall. Gavin's chest feels tight as he tries not to remember the sweet memories of a simpler time. A time without knives and without anyone else than him and Dan. Of dusty attics, of the sickly glow of a computer screen filled with code. The thrill of the police and military on their heels. Of soft touches-

Gavin shakes his head almost violently as he pushes of the wall he's been leaning against and bites his lip harder as he pours himself a cup of coffee. There's no need to go there now. There's no need to dwell on the past, a past that tastes so sweet that it must be artificially sweetened. It wasn't all good. It was arguments, it was screaming, it was stress, it was blood and shiny blades.

He ignores the thought that this thing with Ryan will with high probability end just like that. Fire and blood. This time it's different though. This is mutual destruction, this is two people flying too high, this is two people intertwined with the same hunger, the same lust. This isn't a person working behind the scenes, this isn't hushed phone calls, this isn't ignoring the signs.

This is everything.

Ryan's everything.

There's a sweetness that feels more real than anything else Gavin's ever experienced as he thinks of Ryan and himself. His mind wanders to hot touches mirrored by softness, of hunger and of patience. He feels electrified as he thinks of them, he can't help but to smile at the thought of bringing this key to Ryan. His knees buckle at the rush of pleasure at the mere thought, Gavin grabs on to the table to keep himself upright. He stops his mind to even start to imagine all the possible rewards Ryan would give him.

Gavin gathers himself, pulls his mind out of the gutter and heads back to his work space with his coffee. He feels energized with the possibilities, the mere concept of the power his key would wield. He didn't feel like this when he tried to make the key previously. He figures it was because it's hard to focus on making a master key to the entire world when you're running away from the government with a partner who's working behind your back.

"Let's do this." Gavin mumbles as he sits down and pulls himself closer to his screens. He cracks his fingers after putting his coffee down. He's done this before, he knows approximately what doesn't work or didn't work previously at least. He begins with that nonetheless, wanting to be thorough in his work.

After all if he does his work thoroughly, maybe Ryan would reward him equally as thoroughly.

Gavin compiles a list of things he need to try with the series of numbers in front of him. There's a lot of possibilities, and only one of them would provide him with the key to bring the world to kneel. The rest of the crew filter in as Gavin works, as the sun raises outside their large windows.

Trevor lingers by his workstation later that same day and Gavin looks up at him confused. Trevor smiles and points at the clock on the wall and Gavin's startled that it's already the afternoon. He's been immersed in his work and he's lost all concept of time. Trevor smiles just fondly as Gavin pulls his headphones away.

"You've been hard at work. I didn't want to disturb but I'd love to grab lunch with you and discuss a few things if that's cool with you?" Trevor asks, and Gavin doesn't think this is actually as open ended as Trevor's making it seem. Nevertheless, Gavin's starving and he's not objecting to having lunch.

Trevor's step is long and Gavin's struggling to keep up with him as they walk out of the IT department. Trevor's making small talk as they walk down the long hallways until he suddenly stops in the lobby. Gavin looks at him, not seeing what made him stop in his tracks. He follows Trevor's gaze through the windows on the doors to the lab, the first space Gavin ever saw from the Site.

"You know I knew immediately that it was you." Trevor laughs fondly and casts a glance at Gavin. "Your style is unmistakable and there's not a lot of people who're reckless enough to break into this place."

Gavin just laughs and shrugs as he looks at his painting on the lab wall. The cityscape looks immaculate from here, the colorfulness of it contrasting with the whiteness of the lab. The scientists in their white coats move around the space without casting too many glances at the wall.

"Why is it still there?" Gavin asks, putting his hands into his pockets as Trevor casts one last look at the wall before motioning for Gavin to continue. They walk down the corridor to the outer door and Gavin holds the door open to Trevor as they emerge onto the hot pavement outside.

"The boss liked it." Trevor replies with a crooked smile. "There's something going on with you and him, right?"

Gavin freezes, realizing that he's probably looking like a deer in headlights as Trevor looks at him intently. He doesn't know what to think, had he, no had they been so transparent? His mind shot circuits with the idea of Trevor seeing the messages he's sent to Haywood and his stomach drops with dread.

"Why do you say that?" Gavin asks and hopes his voice didn't really sound as awkward as it sounded to him. Trevor looks at him before smiling softly and motioning for Gavin to follow him.

"To get to my position you need a lot of eye for things." Trevor says, slowing down so that Gavin doesn't have to hurry to keep up with him. "The moment I saw that tag on that wall I knew there's only two possibilities. First, Haywood doesn't take the intrusion lightly and he'll kill you. That's the more common option to be honest."

"The second?"

"He'll look you up and want to hire you." Trevor replies easily. "I knew you had some hacker history and that Haywood appreciates talent. That evening when you asked me about if I knew anything about Haywood I knew that your paths had already collided. You were alive."

"That doesn't explain your suggestion." Gavin fires back, his heart hammering wildly with nerves.

"I heard from Michael that you've been seeing someone." Trevor shrugs. "An educated guess that you confirmed with your response."

"God please don't tell anyone-" Gavin rushes to say, terrified of the thought of someone knowing about him and Ryan. He can't even imagine how Ryan will take this, how this will affect everything. He's terrified of the possibilities.

"You really think I would?" Trevor says and stops. "Even if I'd survive Haywood's wrath by some miracle, there's no way I'd tell something like this. Keeping secrets is a major part of my work, as is yours. You are my friend Gavin, I'd never do something like that. I can understand how big of a deal this is and I'd never betray our friendship or my job for gossip."

"You're right." Gavin mutters, feeling ashamed about how he accused Trevor. "It's just that this is difficult. I've already lost a friend because of this and I really don't want to lose another."

"Who?" Trevor asks softly as they continue to walk towards the restaurant just around the corner. Gavin contemplates not telling him, but the entire situation's just been nagging him, always at the back of his mind and he feels comfortable enough with Trevor to talk about this. Besides who's the better to talk to about this than a friend of his who knows both Ryan and Michael.

"Michael." Gavin sighs. "We disagreed on if it was safe for me to be with Haywood."

"What the heck does he know?" Trevor huffs and Gavin's filled with a huge sense of relief. His step feels lighter and the nerves inside him calm down as he feels validated by his friend. "Just the rumors, right?"

"Exactly." Gavin chimes in. "He's never even met him. He acted like I'm a child who can't make decisions for myself."

"I mean I can kinda get being worried about a friend, but it sounds like he didn't have a ton of faith in you." Trevor says as they stop by the restaurant. He holds the door open for Gavin. "I thought we'd talk about the key but let's eat and you can vent to me. I've been in a similar situation, with a friend overreacting to me working for Haywood."

After his lunch with Trevor Gavin feels much more at ease with everything. Sure, he's sad that Michael didn't trust him with this choice, that he took that fear out as anger on Gavin. But the past is in the past and Gavin's not nearly healed enough to go poking that wound any time soon.

Trevor's guidance is welcome in a lot of ways. Him knowing both Michael and Ryan gives Gavin the chance to be brutally honest. Well, he keeps some details to himself, but he finds himself talking and talking and it feels good. As much as he values Ryan and his opinion it's not like he's an impartial spectator.

Besides Trevor's been here as well. One of his previous partners didn't take Trevor's new workplace well. Gavin's sure that there's something in this situation that requires experience for someone to be able to give advice. And although Trevor's advice is to wait for the storm to pass before starting to reconcile if possible, Gavin finds the advice sound. He's surprised about that, he was sure that that kind of advice would only make him frustrated but as they make their way back to the Site Gavin feels lighter than ever before.


	3. XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday! ❤ 
> 
> Another week done, another week closer to summer. To be honest we've had a heatwave here so summer's already started. On this weeks forecast; more smut. There's no new tags though. 
> 
> I'm continuously surprised by the outpour of support from you guys. It seriously means a lot, keeps me going even when things are tough with combining work with everything else. I love you guys! ❤

Gavin's work is easier now that he's freed most of his brain to focus on the task. Without having to mull over Michael and his cruel words he's much faster and more efficient than he thought he'd be. Crafting a master key is no easy task but Gavin doesn’t feel like he's hitting a wall constantly. There's a satisfying twist in the work, he's buzzing with excitement of the possibilities.

Days pass as Ryan's away for something out of town. Gavin didn't press, he didn't really need to know where Ryan's at. The only thing he cares about is that Ryan will come back and that when he does they're going to resume what they left off after the date.

The prospect of Ryan trying to figure out a reward for Gavin is beyond maddening. Even if Gavin's busy with the key and trying to get the apartment he's been looking at there's always a part of Gavin's mind that's occupied with Ryan and the sinful images of the possibilities.

It's been a week since Gavin's world turned on its side when Gavin finally gets the keys in his hand. The realtor doesn’t seem to understand how Gavin can afford a place like this, but he doesn't bring it up. Gavin knows he looks terrible, having to rush from the gym straight here. Adam understood that he had to leave but the realtor didn't seem to take all too kindly to Gavin's sweatpants and sweat soaked t-shirt.

Gavin watches the realtor leave him alone in his new place. Gavin's giddy with happiness and he laughs loudly, listening to it echo in the empty place. It's not much bigger than Gavin's previous, but much nicer. It's situated right in the middle of the city, in between the Site and Ryan's skyscraper. Gavin can see large parts of downtown through the large windows in the open concept living space.

Gavin walks around, his steps light on the hardwood floors as he walks through the kitchen trailing his fingers across the island. It's nicer than anything he's ever had before. The cold surface of the island contrasts the warm air in front of the large windows that is warmed by the sun pouring in.

Gavin needs to buy furniture for this place. He doesn't want to take anything with him from his previous, all the furniture isn't really his in the first place. The only thing he bought for the apartment is his personal effects. Those fit into only a few boxes he packed this morning.

He's got the chance to start anew.

Gavin's smile is bright as he walks through to the bedroom and his eyes linger on the large emptiness. He can't wait to get settled, his mind finally feeling at peace. After he goes and gets his boxes there wouldn't be a constant reminder of Michael's kindness around him. He can build himself a future here, a future of power and lust, of Ryan and him.

Gavin pulls out his phone from his pocket, hopping up on the kitchen island as he pulls out his texts. His fingers are as light on the screen as he feels in this apartment.

_Got the keys for my new place. Need to make a few trips to go get my boxes but I'm free after that._

Gavin sends his message to Ryan as he swings his legs. It's all a bit too much really. He's still having trouble understanding how he got so lucky. Ryan's amazing, his promise to give him his pay in advance is really the only reason he got his dream apartment. He would've never been able to get this without his help.

But this feels different than it did with Michael. This isn't charity, this is a helpful hand from a lover. He can't quite explain the difference, but he feels it deep within him.

Gavin knows Ryan's in town finally. Ryan sent him a message early this morning, the moment he was back in town to let him know that. Gavin's insides flutter wildly, the unspoken hunger between them. Gavin feels that the energy in the city changed with that text. It's like the moments before a thunderstorm, the air's heavy and electric and Gavin's combusting with the mere thought of Ryan.

Gavin's phone buzzes with Ryan's reply and Gavin can't help but to shudder as he reads it.

_Congratulations darling. Can't wait to paint the walls with your moans. You free after 3 pm?_

_For you? Always, sir. But the apartment's not furnished yet._

_I think I can manage._

Gavin's inhale is sharp as he reads Ryan's reply and he feels heat rush through him. He can't comprehend how Ryan can wreck him with just a few words. It shouldn't be possible, but he feels his cock twitch nonetheless.

That excitement doesn't leave Gavin as he lets Trevor know that he's moving today as planned and won't be in for the rest of the day. Sure, he could make it, there's not a lot that needs moving but he's not missing Ryan even if it kills him. Gavin's hunger has been out of control these last few days, Ryan's dirty messages always knowing which buttons to hit and the thought of having Ryan's body pressed against him feels like he's going to burst.

Gavin makes the trip back to his old place quickly and asks the driver to wait for him as he goes and gets his boxes. There's only three of them, one for utensils and the like, one for clothes and one for linens. Gavin tucks his new pillows under his arm as he removes the key to this place from his keys and places it on the kitchen counter.

He doesn’t feel too bad leaving this place. In truth he's very excited for his future and there's not a lot of positive memories in this place anymore. They've all been tainted with the bitter taste of being indebted to Michael especially after his cruel words.

Gavin shoots Lindsay a short message that he won't be staying here anymore and that the key is on the kitchen counter. He lingers by the door, letting his fingers trace the cut in the wall from their knife. He feels wistful for a moment before he reminds himself that there's a ton of opportunities to make new memories at his new place.

He piles into the cab with his boxes. The driver remains silent as if he can sense the tension in Gavin's body. He really didn't think things would end up like this. He didn't think he'd be moving out from that apartment. It's not like he's sad, maybe a bit wistful of the way it ended and the reason why it did so. He just can't shake the feeling that things could've gone smoother.

He shakes his head and looks out at the skyscrapers looming over him. He can't deny that he's really excited about his future for the first time ever. The job's providing him more than enough of a challenge and reward, his apartment is more like the place he envisioned when he was a kid. Then there's Ryan whose mere presence feels like the heaven itself.

And he's coming over in a few hours.

Ryan's promise lingers like a hot poker in Gavin's mind as he pays the driver as they stop by Gavin's new apartment building. He struggles to get the boxes into the elevator but he's too energized to even feel like it's a challenge. Gavin's vibrating with excitement as he rides up with his belongings. A few hours left.

Gavin hauls the boxes into the apartment but doesn't bother unboxing them at once. He still needs his furniture, the only boxes he unpacks are the one with the kitchen utensils and the other with his clothes. His walk-in closet is huge, larger than he's ever had before and the sight of his clothes in the vast emptiness feels oddly thrilling. This is a new way of life, a life he's always wanted but it still feels a bit weird to have it.

With barely one hour left before Ryan promised to show up Gavin's worked himself up to a frenzy. He's breathing deep, pacing in the apartment staring at the clock on his wrist as if he can will it to be 3 pm already. Ryan's words promise a sinful way to end the day, a challenge of sorts as Ryan promised to reward him with something exciting.

Gavin can't deny the smoldering fires within him as he paces. He can't deny that he's dreamed about Ryan, that he's been fantasizing about Ryan pushing his limits. Judging from the vibe Gavin's getting from Ryan's messages he thinks tonight he'll find his limits be shifted, his mind and body toyed and teased until he unravels. Gavin sucks in his lower lip at the thought.

A thought runs through him that stops his pacing. He glances at the watch on his wrist. Still almost an hour. The thought roots itself like a tree into Gavin's mind and he can't shake it, he moans as it roots itself deeper and deeper and he can't shake it anymore.

Shivering with excitement he makes his way to his bathroom. The room itself is roomier than any bathroom he's been in before, the large tub taking over a large part of the space, the shower next to it looks like heaven. Gavin ignores the emptiness of the space and walks straight to the sink and pulls out the drawer he knew he stashed it into.

The tube is just right in his hand as he breathes deep. He throws a thought to maybe asking Ryan for permission, maybe he'll want to do this himself, but Gavin supposes there's no harm in helping him a bit. He bites his lip, making a decision he knows he's already made.

The sound of his jeans hitting the tiled floor echoes in the space, as does the sound of the cap popping off. Gavin sucks a breath in as he coats his fingers, shifting his weight so that he's got the space he needs. He knows this is nothing more than utilitarian, a way to make things go quicker when Ryan gets here because Gavin’s drowning in his lust. But he can't shake the excited thrill that runs through him and makes his cock twitch as he gets to work.

Gavin tries not to think about his fingers as Ryan's fingers and he fails spectacularly. His stifled moan echoes in the empty bathroom but he can't deny the flames within him feeding on the sensation and the memory of Ryan inside him. He's shivering with the anticipation, how Ryan will respond to this. Will he be surprised, will he be happy or angry with him? Will he reward him, will he punish him?

Gavin's not sure how those two are different from each other.

Gavin's working himself open and with every movement he feels the fluttering inside him awaken more and more. He has to force himself to stop, to not touch himself more. He feels the excitement inside him shift like wildfires, like electricity snapping from a broken wire.

Realizing that it's closer to 3pm than he thought he's quick to clean himself up and put away the evidence. He sees the lust in his eyes as he looks into the mirror. There's a faint blush on his face, not that you can see it too clear with his tanned skin. The smile on his face is barely containing the vibrant energy pulsing through him and he nearly jumps out of his skin as he hears the doorbell ring, echoing slightly in the empty apartment.

Gavin rushes out to open the door. Ryan looks so divine like this, jeans and dress shirt rolled up to the elbows, a large bag slung on his shoulder. Gavin's doesn't have the time to greet him even if just seeing Ryan again doesn't make him breathless. Ryan's lips press against his the moment the door opens and Gavin can't help but to linger in the sensation of Ryan's lips against him, that wildness of his taste feeling like home.

"Hi." Gavin breathes as they break for air and Ryan smiles wide as Gavin steps aside to let him in. Gavin's heart's beating loudly as he closes the door and hears the heavy thud of Ryan's bag hitting the floor near the door.

"Hi. I've missed you darling." Ryan replies, reaching for Gavin with his arm. Gavin floats closer, allowing Ryan to pull him against his side as he leans down to kiss him again. Gavin's insides melt at the feeling of being so close to Ryan, his lips against him, his warm body pressing against him.

"I've missed you too." Gavin smiles and allows the radiant sunlight pour out of him as he smiles back at Ryan.

"So, this is the new place." Ryan says, casting a glance around the apartment. "Wanna give me a tour?"

Despite Gavin's warning that it's not going to be a huge tour Ryan insists. He pulls Gavin close to his side as they leisurely walk through the rooms. Ryan seems pleased with this new place, and Gavin can't help but to feel oddly proud of that. He knows there's nothing really that should make him feel like that, but the thought of Ryan approving his choice feels like pure heroin pulsing through him. He's walking on cloud nine as he's walking like this with Ryan.

They return to the living space and Gavin hops onto the kitchen island, pulling Ryan between his legs to kiss him. Gavin's tongue brush against Ryan's lips before he feels Ryan's tongue brush against his. Gavin's soaring high, the fire within him building strength and intensity as Ryan shifts closer, their bodies pressed close.

Ryan breaks the kiss and his eyes seem wild. Gavin gets lost in the vivid blueness of his eyes, the twinkle of mischief and adoration mixing with his lust and Gavin's stomach flips wildly at the things those eyes promise.

Ryan takes a step back, pocketing his hands as he looks over the apartment. Gavin can't deny that he feels cold without Ryan, but he can be patient. He suspects they're both too thrilled to stop now.

"How are you feeling today?" Ryan asks turning back to face Gavin and Gavin feels the shift in the energy around them.

"Um- How do you mean?" Gavin asks, swallowing as he watches Ryan casually lean against the island he's sitting on. Gavin bites his lip, wanting Ryan to clarify as much as he wants him to just ravish him.

"I promised I'd treat you, you remember that, right?" Ryan asks and waits for Gavin's nod. Gavin's flushed with desire at the memory of Ryan's eyes on him as he fucked his own hand as if it's the last chance he'd ever have. "I'd like to try something new today, treat you to something different that we've been doing. But if you're not feeling it that's absolutely alright!"

"Different in what way?" Gavin asks, his eyes widening if only a bit at the openness of Ryan's words. Different could be anything really, it's not like they've been really tame but Ryan's words about him wanting things to be intense linger in Gavin's mind.

"Remember that we're here on your terms darling." Ryan replies quickly, moving closer and grasping Gavin's hand in his own. It feels nice to have Ryan's hand covering his, like an anchor to this place. Gavin's heart is loud in his chest, but he knows without a doubt that he trusts Ryan. Even if the nerves flutter like butterflies in his stomach there's an undeniable hunger within him, both the hunger for Ryan to give him pleasure but also to be good for Ryan.

"I do." Gavin assures Ryan and looks into his impossibly blue eyes. Gavin struggles to put his feelings into words he can say to Ryan, but Ryan's incredibly patient as he waits. "I trust you, but I feel a bit nervous about if it's going to be too much."

"I'd never put you in that situation Gav." Ryan promises. "I was thinking tamer, maybe trying a blindfold first before escalating. I get that this is new and new things are often scary, but you'll be in charge the whole time."

Gavin thinks about it for a few moments. A blindfold doesn't seem too scary, it's not like he's good at keeping his eyes open usually. And he trusts Ryan, he trusts him to be there for him. Besides the thought of a blindfold sends sharp shivers down his spine and the flames within him bursts into life once again.

"I think that'll be alright." Gavin answers realizing that Ryan's been waiting for his answer. He can feel a slight blush creep up his cheeks but Ryan's radiant and encouraging smile sends Gavin's heart stuttering. "But there's nothing here-"

"I got you." Ryan replies simply and pushes away from the counter. Gavin watches as he walks over to his bag and hoists it up and brings it over to the island. Gavin's entire body feels sharper, the hunger within him humming to life and he can't deny that he's getting harder at the mere thought of having his sight taken away from him, to be unable to see where Ryan is at all times.

Ryan lifts the bag on the surface and Gavin shifts to look at what could possibly be in the bag as Ryan's fingers grab the zipper. Gavin can't see much that he recognizes immediately, well the bottle of lube is obvious. The bag's filled with different colored bits of fabric, something metallic underneath them and Gavin can't help but to bite his lip at the undeniable eroticism in Ryan having a bag like this.

Ryan's pulls out a black silken fabric and brings it closer to Gavin. Gavin's fingers touch the softness of it as Ryan presents it for him. Gavin's brain's already melting at everything happening around him, at the possibilities and most importantly the intentive gaze with which Ryan's looking at him.

"I was thinking about this one, but only if you like it." Ryan explains as Gavin can't stop admiring the feeling of the fabric in his hands.

"You'd just tie this around my eyes right?" Gavin asks timidly, part of his mind having difficulty to understand these embarrassing words tumbling out. He feels like he's supposed to hate it, he feels like he's supposed to love it, he feels like he's supposed to know how things will work.

Ryan looks at him for a brief second before carefully taking the fabric from Gavin's hands. Gavin watches as Ryan's arms flex as he pulls the silken blindfold to his own eyes and tying it quickly behind his head.

"Like this." Ryan says, and Gavin can't help the roar of fire within him as he looks at Ryan like this. His hair is tousled as the black blindfold contrasts with the color of his skin. Gavin's mind races, his cock twitching at the sight and he can only imagine how he'll look like that. "See, it's nothing more than this."

"Please." Gavin replies as he watches Ryan remove the blindfold and they both catch on to how breathy Gavin's voice is already. "I'd like that."

Gavin's eyes float from Ryan to the bag again, his curiosity taking over as he sees the array of other silken cloths.

"What are these for?" Gavin asks, not sure if he's allowed to touch the vibrant colored cloths. Ryan moves to see what Gavin's looking at and Gavin watches Ryan's hand dip into the bag to pull out a few of them.

"They're restraints." Ryan replies, his voice even and that takes some of the edge away. Gavin can't deny the wild fluttering within him as his brain connects the dot. Restraints. Ryan didn't talk about restraints, these must be just part of the contents of this bag, but Gavin can't deny the utterly maddening thought of these silken cloths around his arms. "I didn't plan on bringing these out just yet-"

"Can we?" Gavin asks, surprising even himself as his hand grabs Ryan's arm tentatively. Ryan's eyes flash with something Gavin can't quite catch but he sees the hunger blazing in his eyes. "Please, sir?"

"You want to be restrained darling?" Ryan asks his eyes boring into Gavin's soul. Gavin's being consumed at the mere possibility of those silken cloths restraining him for Ryan. He can see it, he can imagine how he'll look like that. He wants it so bad.

"Yes please, sir."

Ryan looks at him and those eyes are burning through Gavin. He can't deny the sudden and unexpected rush of excitement at the sight of the restraints, but now that he knows they're there he wants nothing more than to be bound and be at the mercy of Ryan. He wants to have to beg and to plead to Ryan for him to fuck him, take him as he's so utterly vulnerable.

"Alright but on one condition." Ryan finally says. "You're going to tell me if it's too much the second that might happen. Are you familiar with the traffic light system darling?"

"Like the colors?" Gavin asks a bit uncertainly, but Ryan smiles patiently at him.

"That's right. I like to use the traffic light system because it provides more depth than just a plain safe word. Red means stop immediately, yellow means I need to slow down or that you need something else, green means everything's alright and you want to proceed. Does that make sense to you?"

Gavin repeats the colors back to Ryan and Ryan seems a bit more at ease. Gavin's flushed with excitement that mixes with his lust to make a potion that threatens to take Gavin's feet away from him. He can't quite believe this is happening, that Ryan's indulging Gavin's desires this easily. Gavin seems transfixed to the shimmering delight in Ryan's eyes. He can see a hint of that ice in them, but he's looked into these eyes too many times to not see the utterly maddening hunger in them.

"Do you have anything here that we might use?" Ryan asks after a while, looking around the apartment. "Restraints work better in my experience with something to tie them to, although I suppose we could do without that if needed."

"There's an old chair in the cleaning closet." Gavin says, remembering it from his earlier walk through. "I don't know how good it might be but we could try? And there's an rug that the previous occupant forgot to take with them."

Gavin shows the cleaning closet to Ryan. The chair looks like it was once a dining room chair but had become a stepladder of sorts at some point. Gavin can see white paint splatter on one of the legs. Ryan looks it over, testing how sturdy it is before looking up at Gavin who didn't even realize had been holding his breath in anticipation.

"It'll work. Get the rug darling." Ryan says, and the commanding words sends fire through Gavin. He doesn't need to be told twice. He hurries to the bedroom, pulling open the door to his closet and drags out the rug he put in there when he first got here. His heart is beating like a drum inside him as he pulls the rug with him back into the living room.

Ryan's standing in the middle of the empty space, his posture as strong as the walls around them. The hunger within Gavin roars with vigor as he hurries towards him with the rug.

"Here, sir?"

Ryan nods and helps Gavin roll out the rug. It's not a bad looking rug, just not something Gavin wanted to keep around. He's got the feeling that he might feel differently tonight. The rug looks clean, in fact Gavin can still see the dry-cleaning tag underneath him and some of his worries are smoothed over.

Ryan brushes the edges of the rug down as he reaches for the wooden chair from the cleaning closet. It looks old, but old in a sense that it was built sturdily. Ryan seems satisfied with the condition of the chair and he lifts it to place it on the center of the rug.

It looks like a stage.

"Color?" Ryan asks as he sees Gavin staring at the chair.

"Green, sir." Gavin replies immediately, surprised about the strength of the hunger within him. He never thought he'd be into this, but like this, with Ryan? It seems as natural as air itself.

"Take off everything but your underwear."

Gavin moves immediately to Ryan's command and strips down until he's in nothing but underwear. It feels thrilling in a familiar way to be this naked in front of Ryan, being on display for him. Gavin's skin feels hot to the air, a slight blush creeping on his face but the hunger in Ryan's eyes takes his breath away.

"Sit."

Gavin moves quickly, sitting down on the chair. The smooth wood from the chair smells a bit like lemons but feels cool against Gavin's hot skin as he sits up straight and looks at Ryan who moves in front of him.

"Remember that you're in control here darling." Ryan reminds him and as Gavin nods, too consumed by the jittering hunger within him to vocalize that, Ryan brings the black blindfold to Gavin's head.

Gavin's other senses seem electrified the moment Ryan's soft fingers brush his hair back and slides the blindfold over his eyes. He can't help the small tilt of his head as he follows the sound of Ryan's breathing, lives for the sensation of Ryan's fingertips ghosting over his skin as he moves to grab one of Gavin's wrists.

There's a fluttering of doubt that rears up as Ryan's hand grabs his wrist and brings it to the cold wooden surface of the chair. It sends shivers through Gavin and without sight he swears he can hear the shiver make its way through every cell in his body.

The silky texture of the restraint makes Gavin's mouth fall open with a soft breath. It feels like heaven, somehow magnified by the firm hold of Ryan's hands as he quickly, too quickly and still too slow, restrains Gavin's right arm to the back of the chair.

Ryan's fingers ghost their way across Gavin's back, Gavin's head lulling backwards to follow the soft sound of Ryan's bare feet on the hardwood floor as he walks behind him. Ryan's hand is like fire as it trails down Gavin's left arm, the hair on his body standing in attention as it feels like an eternity and yet like a blink of an eye before Ryan's tying another silky ribbon around Gavin's wrist.

Gavin's breathing is heavy by now. He can't believe how arousing he finds this all. He can feel Ryan's eyes burning through him, his eyes branding his bare chest as he breathes deeply, trying to hear where Ryan is.

The rustle of clothing paints a picture in Gavin's mind and he can almost see the way Ryan's body moves as he hears it do so. Ryan's hands are back on Gavin's chest, drawing down and further down, his fingers dipping into the waistband of his underwear. Gavin's already leaking with precum and he doesn't even feel too embarrassed about it because the restraints around his wrists and the blindfold on his eyes feel beyond sinful.

Ryan murmurs appreciatively as he pulls down Gavin's underwear and Gavin can't help but to moan at the sound combined with the cool air hitting his throbbing cock. He bites his lip, lifting his feet slightly to help Ryan remove those pesky cotton prisons.

As his underwear hit the floor a ways away from them Gavin's straining his ears to hear Ryan. His own heartbeat is loud in his ears as he comprehends how utterly vulnerable he is like this. Ryan's hands touch Gavin's legs, just shy of being high enough to be sinful before moving down to Gavin's ankles. Ryan's hands pull Gavin's legs wider apart to tie them to the outer edges of the legs of the chair. Gavin shifts in his seat, tilting his hips upward but stops as Ryan tsks him.

"Sit." Ryan's voice seems louder than ever, sending jolts through Gavin with its sharp edge. A warning. He's buzzing with the need to be good for him and even if he's utterly and truly aware of how exposed he is like this he behaves himself. He can't help but to imagine how he looks like this; hard and naked, blindfolded and bound to a chair, completely at the mercy of Ryan.

He can't help the moan that thought evokes in him.

Gavin's brain feels like it's combusting as he tries to remember where Ryan is at all times. He hears him stand up, he hears his breath to his left, he hears his footstep to his right. Gavin's stomach flutters at the realization that he's walking around him, appreciating him from all angles. The fires burn louder now, his skin must feel like a radiator by now.

Gavin gasp turns into a moan as Ryan's lips connect with Gavin's neck. He's standing behind him, too far and bound like this Gavin can't do anything about it. He can just sit here and take what's given to him. Ryan's tongue brushes against Gavin's overheating skin, licking a stripe from his shoulder to his ear, Ryan's teeth tugging the lobe of his ear.

"How does it feel darling?" Ryan whispers, sin loud in his voice, his hand suddenly moving down Gavin's chest. Gavin can barely focus on his words, let alone the widespread hand that travels down his chest, the ghost of Ryan's breath tickling his neck, the barely there sensation of his body behind him. Gavin's suddenly flashed with the image of a fly caught in a spider’s web. "Being bound like this, completely at my mercy?"

"Amazing sir." Gavin's breathy reply is immediate and true. He's never been this aware of his surroundings, he's never been this aroused and Ryan hasn't even touched his cock yet.

As soon as that thought appears in his mind he's rushing with pleasure as Ryan's hand grabs Gavin's cock. He can't help the moan that tumbles out of him, nor can he do anything about the tilt of his hips or the way he throws his head back. Ryan's too quick, his body moving out of the way ever so slightly so that Gavin doesn't make contact. Gavin can still feel him behind him, his hand stroking him slowly but with a clear purpose.

Gavin whines as Ryan continues to stroke him steady, just right and he's closer with every stroke. He's electrified with the magnified sensation of Ryan's touch on his skin, on his cock, his mind fraying at the edges, but he knows it's too easy, it's too quick. He's known Ryan for too long, he can sense the wicked smirk that's behind him, but his body doesn't care about what's going to happen because right now he's in heaven.

Ryan's merciless strokes make Gavin's breath shake his entire body as he's not so slowly but oh so surely brought to the edge. Gavin can hear Ryan's steady breath behind him, he can feel him behind him, he can't focus on anything as Ryan's hand feels so good against him until it suddenly stops, mere seconds away from Gavin's release.

Even if Gavin knew this was going to be the case he can't stop his cries or the way his hips jerk up into nothingness as Ryan steps away. His body's moving to its own accord, his mind barely holding on to sanity, but he can feel a warm, soft fuzziness within him that grows bigger and bigger with every second.

Gavin's straining to hear Ryan, his body moving away from him when he was lost in his frustration. There's a moment of panic, a second of doubt before he feels him again, this time in front of him.

"You want more?"

"Please, sir." Gavin gasps quickly, but he hears a disappointed sigh and he's flushed with a terrible feeling of disappointing Ryan.

"It doesn't seem like you're quite there yet." Ryan sighs and Gavin lurches forward as Ryan's hand is on his cock again. "You seem all too put together still."

Gavin's toes curl against the rug as Ryan's grip's even more ruthless, his pace unrelenting and Gavin's panting by the third stroke. His mind is buzzing with his need, his arms flexing against the restraints as Ryan's just a hair too far away. Gavin can sense him, feel his breath against his jaw, his body hovering just out of reach, teasing him mercilessly. The blindfold on Gavin's face feels hotter than ever, his mind racing to picture Ryan like this and it kills him not to see those piercing blue eyes look into his own.

Gavin's hips move up from the chair, his legs fighting with the silky restraints as Ryan's firm grip brings him to the edge only to disappear as soon as Gavin can taste the edge. Gavin feels sweat run down his neck, his skin flushed with heat as he tries to buck into Ryan's hand one more time but he's already too far away.

The edge tastes metallic in his mouth, or maybe it's just from him biting his lip as Ryan chuckles behind him. Gavin's head tilts towards him, need steering his body by now, a shiver running down his spine at the sound of Ryan's amusement. Gavin's breath's labored, his mouth hanging open as he tries to follow Ryan as he paces around him. Gavin's mind's already swirling in a haze, everything around him shrouded in a milky veil.

Ryan doesn't give Gavin nearly as much time as he did before his hand is on his cock again. Gavin's sure he's going to work his way through his cock if he continues like this, and that thought pushes a moan through him. Ryan's grip is lighter, focusing on the tip and Gavin's crying as once again release is snatched away from his reach.

"Pl- Please-" Gavin cries as his body screams at him as Ryan eases up. Gavin's mind's fraying, and he's barely aware of anything else than the sensation that lingers on his cock, roots itself deep in his stomach and spine.

"What's that?" Ryan's harsh tone is mirrored by the hand that grabs Gavin by the hair, tilting his head up towards the heavens.

"Please sir!" Gavin corrects himself, trying to ignore the way his cock twitches at the rough treatment. "Please, please I wanna come sir!"

"Is that so?" Ryan murmurs, his grip still deliciously tight and sending shock waves through Gavin's body. "Now why would I allow such a thing when you're looking as pretty as a picture bound like this and shaking with lust?"

"Please sir, I've been good-" Gavin stumbles over his words in his haste to justify himself in a fear that Ryan will just keep teasing him until he dies. "I've been good for you sir-"

"That's true." Ryan muses and Gavin's heart flutters wildly at the sound. "And I did promise you a reward, my pet."

Ryan lets Gavin's head go and Gavin's head lulls forward at the lack of support. He's giddy with excitement, that's hazed over with whatever this delightful ease within him is. He never wants to leave, he never wants to let go of Ryan, never wants to hear anything else than the sweet sound of Ryan's voice.

Ryan's fingers brush against Gavin's cheek, travelling down his heaving chest, down his fluttering stomach, drawing shadows of shivers behind them before finally grabbing a hold of Gavin's cock. Gavin's burning, he's been torn apart as Ryan's grip is too light to do much but it's just enough for Gavin's teased cock.

"You want to come pet?" Ryan's voice is low, that tone so familiar already and Gavin can't help the soft whine that tumbles through him.

"Yes, please sir."

"Too bad."

Gavin's protests are cut short. Gavin cries out, throwing his head back as much for pleasure as for surprise. Ryan licks a slow, torturous, wet stripe up Gavin's cock, swirling it around Gavin's tip like he's enjoying a lollipop on a summer's day and Gavin feels his world tumble and the fires within him roar like feral beasts.

"You're allowed to come when I say you are." Gavin can hear, no he can feel the smug mischief in Ryan's voice as his hand continues to stroke almost lazily Gavin's aching cock. He must understand how close Gavin is, he must know how hard this is, he must have mercy-

"Do you understand me?" Ryan all but growls, stopping his delicious ministrations just to make sure Gavin gets the point. There's no need for it, the intention of his words and the ordering tone are tattooed over every inch of Gavin skin and he whimpers his answer, confirming that he's here and that yes, a thousand times yes just take me.

Gavin's never been sure of anything in his entire life. He's never been much of a believer, not when everything he's ever seen pointing to the opposite, but here, right now with Ryan's lips forming a seal around his cock Gavin's sure of one thing. He's sure of Ryan, he’s sure that he's divine.

Ryan's mouth is so warm, his movements steady and sure and purely heavenly as he bobs his head around Gavin's cock. Gavin's mind's swimming, it's stopped working and left Gavin's body. He can't focus on anything, the edge so close and he wants to come more than anything, the teasing and the edging making him raw and aching with his hunger. But by god he doesn't want Ryan to stop, he never wants this feeling to stop.

It doesn't take long before Gavin's on the edge again, abusing his lip between his teeth as he pants and cries, his legs and arms straining against the restraints, his mind screaming at him to hold it, his body wanting nothing more than to come, to just face the punishment. Gavin's sure he's crying, he's begging, he's pleading, there's nothing else for him to do. He's whipped around with his hunger, torn into two and trying to keep the pieces together and Ryan's merciless, he's unwavering, surely he can see how close Gavin is, he can't do this, he's dying-

"Come for me pet."

Gavin sobs mix with his cries as he swoons higher and higher, finally allowed to come. Ryan's mouth around him is so warm, it's so wet, his tongue pressing against his frenulum just right as he milks Gavin's cum like he needs it to live. Gavin's buzzing, he's shaking and he's loving every moment as Ryan doesn't stop, no he keeps going and Gavin's squirming with overstimulation.

Ryan's mouth pops off Gavin's cock just in time, teetering on the edge of being painful and Gavin's head lulls forward as he feels like his entire body is liquefied. He can barely hear Ryan stand up, feel his strong arms brush up Gavin's body gently, massaging the remains of any tension away.

Gavin's hearing rings for a while, as he just focuses on steadying his breath, focusing on the warm sensation of Ryan's fingers untying first his left leg, then his right, his left arm, his right arm. His heart flutters as every time he removes the restraints Ryan presses soft kisses on the tender skin.

As the final restraint falls away he feels a softness around him. It takes him embarrassingly long to realize it's a soft blanket that cocoons him as Ryan's voice finally breaks the ringing in his ears. Ryan's soft praises fill Gavin with warmness, of a feeling of invincibility as Ryan wraps his arms around Gavin. Gavin doesn't have the want or the capability to resist, he feels like overcooked pasta in Ryan's arms.

Gavin feels himself be lowered gently to the floor, Ryan's arms never leaving him as he feels Ryan next to him. Gavin feels his body be pulled against Ryan's side laying body, his face mushing into Ryan's strong and warm chest. Gavin snuggles closer, molding his boneless body against Ryan as he holds him close.

Gavin allows himself to float in the weightlessness, in the comforting soreness for a while. Ryan's softly murmured praise never stops as Gavin's sure he dozes of once or twice. Ryan's scent is all around him, filling him and surrounding him and it's just as Gavin wants it. He never wants to wake up without Ryan, he never wants to go a day without his arms around him.

"Gavin." Ryan says softly, his lips pressing a kiss on the top of his head. "Darling, can you hear me?"

"Mhm." Gavin mumbles, his words still a bit slurred.

"Color?"

"Green." Gavin replies, his tongue still feeling a bit awkward in his mouth and he presses a soft kiss against the tender skin of Ryan's chest. He loves hearing Ryan's heart beating so loudly against him, he loves the way it flutters slightly as Gavin kisses his skin.

"I'm going to take the blindfold away now darling." Ryan says softly and as Gavin nods he feels Ryan's fingers brush his hair slightly. "Close your eyes, it might be bright."

Gavin does as he's told, closing his eyes and Ryan removes the blindfold. Gavin's face feels colder now, he snuggles closer to Ryan's chest to shield his eyes from any light. Ryan chuckles softly, pulling him closer with a tenderness that lingers in Gavin's bones.

Gavin opens his eyes a few moments later, although he's so mesmerized by the way Ryan's heart beats he's not sure how long it's actually been. His eyes seem tender to the soft light in the room that's shielded by Ryan's chest. Gavin allows his eyes to get used to this light for a moment, listening to Ryan's soft humming.

Gavin lifts his gaze, looking into Ryan's soft eyes that are glued to him.

"Hi." Gavin says, his voice sounding like he's just woken up. Gavin feels like he's awoken for the first time just now, looking at Ryan looking at him like this.

"Hi." Ryan replies with a crooked smile, his blue eyes looking like the sky on a beautiful winter day. They twinkle with something Gavin doesn't have a name for as love falls so short, twinkling with something that is just purely for them.

"That was amazing." Gavin continues, and Ryan seems to find delight in how hard it is for Gavin to form sounds.

"You are amazing." Ryan's reply is immediate and true, and Gavin can't handle the wild fluttering within him. "You happy with your reward?"

"You planned all that?"

"I had to improvise a few bits." Ryan muses amused. "Didn't see the restraints coming. You been thinking about that for a while?"

"Spur of the moment that I don't regret." Gavin confesses but doesn't feel embarrassed even a bit. "But that's only for you."

"I'm only for you."

"As am I."


	4. XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow guys, it's been a while. I won't start listing up excuses, you've all probably read a thousand versions of a fic writer apologizing for not updating. I feel terrible really, I honestly thought I'd snap out of this by now but no. To be frank with you, there's probably not going to be a weekly update for a while. This is the first time I've turned on my computer in over a month and I've not written a word since April. Yeah. Life's treating me with boxing gloves at the moment. But I feel so terrible about not keeping my promise, so I've spent my allocated energy and what time I had for myself this week (tbh for the past few weeks) to get this draft mostly polished for you as an apology. 
> 
> I'm sorry. And thank you. Your comments and kudos have made a significant difference in my life. You're angels. ❤

_The attic changed to an abandoned warehouse by a forgotten stream by the east coast. Gavin swore he had never been as cold as he was there. The running had taken its toll on his mind and body, the manufacturing of the key had started to feel like he's trying to run through a swamp._

_Gavin couldn't shake the feeling that Dan's distancing himself from him. It stung like hornets, like acid on his skin but he soldiered on. The key would be the answer to everything. The key that opens all doors would deliver them away from this mess. Maybe he could buy a small house by a warm ocean with Dan._

_Dan walked through the small opening in the large warehouse with coffee. Gavin managed a smile he hoped didn't look as forced as it felt. He can't shake the distance between them. He knew he's being paranoid. There's nothing up with Dan, it was just the stress from the running. Gavin knew that only the key itself would fix this, he put everything he got into making it. Even if the reward would be nothing more than another glimpse of Dan's true smile, the one that couldn't hide behind the dark circles under his eyes or the tightness of his jaw._

_The key would fix it all._

~---~---~---~

Gavin spends the next day getting situated in his new apartment. The rug and Ryan's body against him provided him the most heavenly bed, he can't quite understand how well he slept on the hard floor. To be honest he's sure that if he's sleeping with Ryan the bed itself doesn't quite matter.

Ryan's out of the door too early, too soon for Gavin. No matter how many times Ryan worshiped his body during the night he feels like an addict just looking for another fix. He's sore as he kisses Ryan goodbye by the door, the sun behind him still low in the horizon, shining through the windows as he's blinded by the brightness as he returns to the rug for a few more moments of peace before the day starts. He can't shake the stupid smile on his face.

That lightness that the smile brought him doesn't dissolve within him but feels like the entire sun is bursting within him. He likes the lightness, all of Ryan's body had been all over his. There's nothing sharp within him, just the simmering embers that burn away the remains of the ashes of all his doubts.

Gavin puts on music as he floats around the apartment as the sun paints the space with golden tones. His furniture arrives just on time, the movers quick and efficient and within a half an hour Gavin's alone again. He busies himself with unpacking them and assembling the pieces that need it. It's mindless work which is something Gavin's thankful of. This way he can remember the night before, his eyes darting to the rug on the living room floor. Every time he does it, his heart flutters wildly and he can't help the giddy smile that bursts on his face.

The music flutters through the apartment with Gavin as he feels like some sort of divine creature. He feels divine, not because of how he sees himself, only because he's been worshiped by a divine creature. Ryan's touch lingers all over him, the soreness feeling like a golden gift, all of it combining into feeling like a divine shroud over his skin.

Gavin tilts his head at the thought as he pushes the new couch into its designated spot. He wonders over Ryan, how one man can make him feel like this. Gavin knows he's in too deep. He knows he's been ensnared, he's the fly in golden web. No matter how divine the web itself is, there's always a spider.

The thought should feel mundane by now, it's not like he's not realized how deep he's fallen before. It shouldn't ignite a burning hunger within him this easy. Truth be told he's more than thrilled to be the fly. If Ryan's the spider that's enthralled and ensnared him he'd be happy to be devoured.

The dawn outside brings people out and Gavin hears the telltale sounds of traffic far below him. He supposes he can figure out the rest when he gets back. With a quick shower that he spends fighting the urge to touch himself and a change of clothing he grabs his backpack. He looks behind him at the door, unable to not look at the rug that feels like a neon sign.

Gavin giggles about it all as he exits into the elevator. It had started on the floor, and here they are again. Fucking like bunnies on the rug, Gavin can still feel the rough texture under his chest, under his cheek, under his back, all over his body as well as he remembers Ryan's touch all over him. It's intoxicating, it's sinful. He can't help but to brush his fingers against the golden metal on his wrist with a stupid smile.

Spending the entire night with Ryan still feels thrilling. He hadn't even realized it before it happened. They were lost in their hunger, wrapped tightly around and within each other and then dawn had threatened to break. Ryan had to get ready for a long day of work and even though it killed to let Ryan go Gavin knows it's not his place to stop him. Even if he could. But if he could he'd spend eternity locked in a house by the ocean with Ryan, never letting him out of his sight.

There's a twisted need that grows within Gavin, a need to keep Ryan close all the time. He's not worried that he's doing something he'd not like when he's not with him, but the need is more feral than that. He likes the way Ryan's gaze makes his bones melt, but at the same time makes him stand straighter. He likes the way Ryan's words; his orders make it easier for Gavin to let go. He loves the attention, he loves that Ryan understands just how far to push him. He loves the way Ryan can switch between merciless and caring, all demanding and loving.

Gavin's fucked, he's thoroughly fucked both physically and mentally. He knows now more than ever that if anything would happen to this he'd disintegrate, and he'd do so with joy because he cannot fathom living in a world without Ryan and his sinful commands.

The walk to the Site is uneventful but Gavin's feeling like he's walking on cloud nine. His step is light, his soul light with pure light and peace. His first time walking to work from his new place, his body knackered from the previous night, his mind buzzing with possibilities. He's sure nobody has ever been as high as he's right now.

He nods his greetings to people he's not sure he even knows as he pushes his way through the corridors to the IT department and enters the cool dimness of the space. He feels his body breathe again after the bright corridors.

"Hey Gav!" Trevor greets him from the kitchenette. Gavin decides to go there, he could use a coffee before he gets into today’s work.

Trevor's smile is bright even this early in the morning as he pours Gavin a cup. He looks more relaxed, his smile feeling oddly familiar to Gavin, a smile he knows is on his own face today.

"So." Gavin draws out, leaning against the counter top and smirks at Trevor as he sips his coffee. The coffee is surprisingly decent for this place and goes down easy as he looks at the soft blush on Trevor's face. Gavin knows that in any other place he shouldn't be messing with his boss, but right now Trevor feels more like a friend than a boss.

"That obvious?" Trevor sighs, but the smile doesn't falter. "It's none of your business Free. Besides I can see the same thing on your face."

"Not fair Collins." Gavin replies quickly. "You know exactly who I was with, I've got no idea who's making you smile like that."

"Gross, I don't need to know about your thing. He's my boss for crying out loud."

"He's mine too, and that didn't stop him from making me weep-"

"Oh god please stop!" Trevor exclaims and throws his hands on his ears as they both laugh. "Fine you win. The guy I've been seeing was finally home yesterday and we made the most of the night if you need to know."

"That's not something I couldn't have figured out by myself." Gavin replies with a playful glare. "Spill the beans Treyco."

"He works for Haywood too and that's all you're getting you goblin." Trevor says and takes his coffee with him as he starts to walk to his office. There's nobody else here as it's still too early for most.

"That's hardly fair!" Gavin yells after him as he makes his way to his own desk. Trevor just laughs before he ducks into his office.

Gavin's thankful over the fact that he's worked on making this kind of key before this because if he hadn't he'd be lost right about now. It's not like this thing came with instructions, he remembers that it took him and Dan months to figure out how to continue from this point forward. He knows the way now, and even if he doesn't like to think about Dan and how much he helped him back then he has to admit that without Dan and the history they shared he'd be working on this thing for months.

Instead he gets to work manufacturing the perfect string of code that will do most of the work for him. It's a long process from the sequence of numbers to the final key. Well key is a bit counterproductive, it's going to be a command that will shatter any encryption known to man. With it there's nothing anyone can do. Any bits of information, any government database is vulnerable. It's going to be easier than logging in to a computer to access anything hidden on this planet.

The memory of Dan bothers him a bit too much as he stares at the string of code on his screen do its thing. This process will take a few days, maybe even more. They did this when they were on the run back then. Gavin didn't have access to this kind of machinery back then, hell he didn't even have access to internet most of the time. The process that took two miserable weeks back then might take a few days here.

He wonders on what Dan's doing right now. His brow furrows, he knows he's not supposed to think about him anymore. It's been years, as far as Dan and the rest of them know he died in that slimy harbor just outside Liverpool, stabbed by the man who betrayed him and who Gavin loved oh so much.

His body shivers with the memory of the numbing coldness that accompanied him as he crawled away from the harbor. He doesn't like to think about it, in fact he only remembers bits and pieces. He remembers the coldness, the smell of fish, the face of a kind woman who helped him even when she knew he couldn't go to the hospital. He remembers the smell of the stew she was cooking. He remembers wincing when he was patted down at the airport weeks later, his wound still sore and his mind burdened with his fake identity.

He wants to forget the terrible stone in his stomach that accompanied him over the ocean. He wants to forget the feeling he had when they had finally realized they could make the key. He wants to forget the way Dan's face radiated pure contempt for him the moment that cold blade lodged itself deep within Gavin. He wants to forget how Dan would bury himself deep within him.

He just wants to forget it ever happened.

But this work is tedious and there's nothing to distract him. He forces his mind to forget Dan even when it takes the familiar metallic taste in his mouth to do so. His mind refuses to work with him, his mind deciding to focus on the way Michael scared him the first time they met. He doesn't want to linger on the way Michael smiled the first time Gavin made a joke. He wants to think of anything else but the wonderful cackle that echoed in Michael's apartment the first time they played Mario Party together.

Gavin finds his phone in his hands. He's trembling, the code in front of him forgotten as he stares at the black screen in his hands. It would be so easy. Just put pride aside and send him a message. To forget the words that burn brighter than ever now.

_"You enjoy being his little bitch? Being chained up in some twisted dungeon with that lunatic?"_

Michael's words echo in his brain, echoing like his laughter did an eternity ago and Gavin hates how he sees his own reflection wince in the blackness of the screen. The truth hurts. That's the words his mother used to love to throw around. And he can't deny that Michael's words ring true now. If Ryan wanted to chain him up he'd present his wrists with a smile and a throbbing cock.

He feels sick as he throws his phone back on the table. He swears his mind is trying to kill him with this whiplash. First he's over the moon, higher than ever, feeling divine and drunk with Ryan's touch, the next he's remembering the worst moments of his miserable life. It's as if he's trying to purposefully sabotage himself.

Gavin shifts in his chair, feeling the delicious soreness linger within him as he reaches for his backpack. He opens it, looking inside to see the silvery reflection of his own face. The knife feels heavier than ever, the memory of a blade not unlike this one still hot in his flesh. He can't look at it longer, his fingers brushing against the thin scar hidden under his chest hair.

He can't help but to feel like this is different. With Dan he never suspected the knife, he never saw or thought about the knife until it was the only thing that haunted every moment he closed his eyes. With Ryan's knife he feels oddly like the knife embedded in the drywall is the only instance that knife will ever be used even slightly against him. The knife, Ryan's knife is now his.

Gavin's jaw drops as it clicks. Ryan's not the one with the knife. He gave Gavin the knife. The weapon of their shared destruction. The only thing that'll kill him, now forever in Gavin's hands.

Gavin stands up, unable to sit down when he feels like his mind is melting. He can't. He can't comprehend it all. Even from the start Ryan's given him the tool, given him the agency. Given him everything. His words ring truer than ever, Gavin's heart's hammering through his ribs.

"…Yeah I can ask him if you want-" Trevor's voice is faint as Gavin sees him walk towards him. Gavin can't quite muster the right facial expression as he sees Trevor stop as he sees him. "Holy hell are you alright Gav?"

Gavin looks at Trevor, shaking his head as he tries to focus on the reality around him. He wants nothing more than to run, run like he's never run. He doesn't know where he wants to arrive. He wants Ryan, he wants nothing but Ryan, he doesn't know if he can see Ryan when he knows. How couldn't he have seen this previously.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Gavin waves Trevor's concerned hand away from his shoulder. "Must be my blood sugar or something-"

Gavin hears himself make excuses, but he also hears a familiar worried voice from the other end of Trevor's call. Gavin's insides somersault and he's not sure if it's a pleasant sensation or not.

"You sure?" Trevor ask and as Gavin nods he leads Gavin to the kitchenette to grab something to eat. As Gavin grabs a chocolate bar he doesn't feel like eating if he didn't feel like making Trevor stop looking at him like he's mere seconds away from passing out. Trevor casts him one last worried look before returning to his call. "Yeah, he's fine, it's nothing to worry about. Yeah, I'll ask."

Trevor ends the call with Ryan and turns and monitors Gavin eat the chocolate bar.

"What was that about?" Gavin asks, desperate to know and to distract him from this whirlwind within him.

He's scared, he knows it. He's never been this involved, fallen this deep in whatever's higher than love. If he loved Dan, this is so much more. If he loved Dan, he worships Ryan. To think that Ryan's feelings run equally deep feels wonderful but also beyond terrifying. He knows the end will be the end of all. He knows that there's no recovering from this. They're terminal. 

"There's a meeting in an hour with Haywood where the heads of departments discuss the current missions. He wants me to ask if you'd be so kind to come along to talk about the key and how it's coming along."

"He asked for me?" Gavin asks.

"Yes." Trevor nods.

"Of course I'll come." Gavin asks, feeling like there's not a single bit of dust within him that would disobey Ryan. Ryan wants him there, of course he'll be there.

Gavin ends up following Trevor out of the Site a few moments later, taking his backpack with him. He feels thoroughly unprepared for a meeting in his skinny jeans and hoodie, his backpack slung over his shoulder like he's going to school. He focuses all his energy to staying present in the situation, and not lingering back into the swirling toxic mess that's currently occupying his head.

Trevor greets a woman outside the front door as they wait for their cab. She seems bubblier than is strictly allowed, and Gavin's not quite sure what to make of her as she introduces herself as Mica. Her dark hair shifts on her shoulders with her laugh as Trevor explains.

"Mica here is in charge of the lab side of things." He says, and Mica salutes him. "She's not nearly as harmless as she seems to be."

"I could brew something that would turn you inside out in a few minutes." She replies all too cheerfully and Gavin can't help but to laugh at the juxtaposition of her cheerfulness and the line of work they're engaged in.

"Duly noted." Gavin replies with a smile as they pile into the cab and make their way to the skyscraper. Gavin tries to be involved in the discussion but he's happy to just listen to Trevor and Mica. They're just interesting enough to distract Gavin from his thoughts the entire ride, to make him forget his nerves almost completely.

Gavin can't shake the feeling that he's not supposed to be here when he walks into the building with Mica and Trevor. The assistant downstairs waves them through immediately and they have the entire elevator car for themselves as they ride up to Haywood's offices.

As Gavin walks behind Trevor through the lobby of the offices and through one of the corridors he can't shake the feeling of being six again, trailing after his mother through the grocery store. There's something oddly parental in the way Trevor makes sure that Gavin's still following him, he must sense that Gavin's more than slightly uncomfortable in this situation.

Trevor pushes open one of the glass doors into a large conference room. Gavin's eyes are immediately drawn to the large silhouette standing by the large windows looking over the city beneath them. The figure turns around at the sound of people entering the room.

Gavin recognizes Geoff, the man he met here a few weeks ago. Geoff seems to remember him as well, Gavin can't unsee the way his eyes narrow as he sees Gavin behind Trevor. His imposing stature shifts away from the window taking a few steps forward to shake Mica's and Trevor's hand. He doesn't extend his hand to Gavin.

"You again." Geoff says looking at him once more like he's a disappointment. Gavin's stomach flips wildly at his disapproval, his mind flashing back to that same look on his mother's face all those years ago when he came home with his report card.

"Gavin's here on Haywood's request." Trevor steps in, taking a step to stand slightly in front of Gavin and if Gavin hadn't sold his soul to Ryan already he'd do it for Trevor. Trevor's shoulders stay squared, his jaw set as he stares Geoff down. The older man just casts an unimpressed look at Trevor before shrugging his shoulders.

"What a fucking cliche." He mutters but walks away to linger by the windows again. Gavin can't help the deeply rooted sense of unease with Geoff in the room and his legs want nothing more than to just bolt through the door again and never return.

As if Trevor can sense his need to run he steps back and places his hand on Gavin's shoulder and motions for him to sit down in the chair next to him. They're sitting by the end of the table, the seat at the end of the table next to Trevor. Gavin's unsure if he's supposed to be here in the first place, let alone this close to the chair that resembles more a throne than the office chair it is.

"What's Geoff's problem with me?" Gavin whispers as they sit down, to get his mind of the whirling mess inside him that threatens to rear its head again.

"The old guy's suspicious of all newbies." Trevor shrugs, casting a glance at Geoff's back. "He's in charge of operational missions and sees ghosts everywhere."

"I guess it doesn't help that I'm- close to Haywood." Gavin mutters, picking at the notebook in front of him.

"That doesn't help." Trevor replies almost amused. "I wouldn't think twice about it. It's not like you're here to kill Haywood. Right?"

"I promise." Gavin smiles, drawing a cross over his heart as Trevor's laugh fills the space.

Mica sits down across Gavin just as the door opens once more. Gavin turns his head to look at Ryan, his suit as crisp as always. He looks divine like this, the clean lines making him seem godlike as the sun pours through the windows illuminating the shadows that sculpt his face.

"Sit, sit!" Ryan exclaims with a wave of his hand as the occupants in the room shift in their chairs. Gavin can't tear his eyes away from Ryan, no this is Haywood as he walks across the room with his folders. He sits down at the top of the table and motions for Geoff to sit down. Geoff mumbles something unintelligible as he sits down opposite of Trevor and next to Ryan.

Gavin's eyes are glued to Ryan, cataloging every minuscule movement he makes as he settles down, placing his clasped hands on the table in front of him. He looks in charge, and like he knows it. The ultimate authority he exhumes is like a drug that mesmerizes Gavin from his toes to the tips of his hair. A forbidden thought flashes through his mind and he blushes just as Ryan's gaze meets his. Did he see the flash of imagery that occupied Gavin's mind just then, did he know how much he wanted to be splayed on this table, taken again and again.

"It's a pleasure to see you all again." Ryan says, Gavin sees the amused twinkle that barely flashes in Ryan's eyes. Gavin's sure that if he blinked he'd miss it, those eyes predatory and they chill Gavin's bones at the same time as they fan the flames within him.

Gavin doesn't quite know what's wrong with him. He needs to focus on the meeting, he's here only because Ryan wants him here, he shouldn't be fantasizing about this table under his naked form. Besides, he's supposed to be satiated, Ryan wore him down and even more only a few hours ago. He scolds himself, but the thought of cold wood against heated skin doesn't leave him.

"Glad to be here boss." Trevor replies as the rest of them nod their agreement.

"We'll get to business in a moment, but first I'd like to introduce you all to Mr. Free." Ryan says, his voice pure professionalism and Gavin feels like he's in the spotlight as they all turn to look at him. He can't look at them at all, finding his strength in Ryan's eyes and he looks into those eyes like they're floats in the middle of the ocean. "He's here to brief us on the progress of the key he's working on."

Gavin just nods, unsure on what'll tumble out of his mouth if he opens it. Ryan must understand because he changes the subject.

Gavin barely keeps up with what the rest of the departments are working on. The Lab is apparently working on some sort of enhanced smoke bomb that'll help with future missions. The operational side is apparently working on recovering the items Gavin helped find as his first mission. Gavin feels oddly proud of having a part in that. He listens more carefully on what Geoff's describing and as he talks about one of the sites he furrows his brows.

"What is it Mr. Free?" Ryan asks, catching the look on his face. The room stops talking as they look at Gavin and he feels like he's in front of his class again with a presentation he threw together the night before.

"It's probably nothing Mr. Haywood." Gavin replies unsure but continues at the sight of Ryan's raised eyebrow. "It's just that that address seems familiar. I think it used to be in the possession of the FBI at one point. I'm not sure if it's still, but if it is-"

"-It might be a trap." Geoff mutters, looking at the file in front of him. "How do you know that kid?"

"There was a time where I was dependent on knowing those sites to survive." Gavin replies hesitantly. He fidgets with his watch as Geoff's eyes seem to look right through him. He can't possibly know about Gavin's struggles staying out of sight of governmental eyes when he first arrived here. Before he threw away all of his electronics as he figured out that's why the cops were on his heels. There wasn't a lot of hackers with the hardware Gavin had back then, he must've been an easy target.

"Sure." Geoff finally drawls. "I'll look into it kid."

The rest of them fall back into conversation. Gavin can't shake the hint of hope that maybe this will make Geoff friendlier towards him. He's not big into confrontation and the thought of Geoff behaving as coldly as he's been behaving thus far makes him stressed already.

The conversation returns to business and there's not a lot that interests Gavin. He keeps casting short glances at Ryan, drawing this sight into his memory so that he'll never forget it. This side of Ryan, the side that rules and governs is still foreign to him and he's studying it like it's a new civilization.

It's not like he's a complete stranger. He recognizes the glances he's throwing around the room, both the chilly and the strict. He remembers how he used to cower under his gaze. Now he kneels. There's an almost poetic vibe to Ryan's posture, his back straight and strong, his expression interested, engaged even but still sharp. This is the man they fear. This is the man that makes things happen.

Gavin feels blessed to have seen this side. It makes his hunger wilder, it makes him lust for him even more. But it also makes him appreciate Ryan and Sir even better. He sees the connective tissue between the masks, he sees the truth. He thinks of the knife.

"-and that brings us to the last thing I wanted to discuss with you." Ryan says and his voice breaks through Gavin's haze as it always does. "Mr. Free, I'd like it if you'd brief us on the progress on your project."

"Of course, Mr. Haywood." Gavin clears his throat, his heart suddenly very loud again. "I'm making progress on the manufacturing of the key. It's strictly talking a code that will break any encryption technique known to man. With it there's nothing hidden anymore."

"How far along are you?" Geoff asks suddenly, his eyes intent on Gavin. Gavin squirms slightly under his intense gaze, a gaze that doesn't feel remotely as pleasant as Ryan's.

"I'm counting on breaking this cycle in a few days. After that it's a bit more challenging, but I imagine if everything goes as it's supposed to go that I'll have the final key in my hands in a month or so."

"Are you expecting problems?" Ryan asks, his attention on Gavin and Gavin feels the remnants of the sunshine from this morning inside him again.

"Not really." Gavin shrugs. "But you never know. When I attempted this earlier there was a few issues but I don't expect them to be present here with the equipment I've got access to. Other possible issues might be possible governmental attempts to thwart me."

"Security is aware of that." Ryan replies immediately. "Physical and cyber security has been improved, as well as the people inside the government that work for me are keeping tabs. There shouldn't be any governmental input, but I need you all to be vigilant. Geoff, especially you since you're out in the field with your squad. Keep your eyes open."

"Always do boss." Geoff replies easily.

"Is there anything you need for the project Mr. Free?" Ryan continues.

"Not that I can see right now. You've been overly generous Mr. Haywood." Gavin says and means it with his entire being. "With that and the help of Trevor I'm sure there will be nothing that will stop us."

"That's a lovely thought." Ryan smiles, something akin to worry flashing behind his mask and Gavin realizes with a start that maybe this isn't going to be as smooth sailing as he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to get another chapter up soon. It's probably not going to be next Sunday unless a cosmic miracle happens but soon. 
> 
> I love you.


	5. XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys ❤ Rest assured that I read and appreciate every comment that you guys leave, but I'm not in the right headspace to start replying to them all. Your concern and love is seriously one of the best things in my life currently and they mean the world to me, as do all of you ❤

Gavin's fears that things wouldn't be as smooth as he hoped materialize the next day. When he stumbles through the doors early the next morning he's greeted with two things. First, his computer had managed to complete the task Gavin had left it with. That's something, something that would usually be something that Gavin would find satisfactory. Second, there's a huge error message on his screen.

A few curses tumble out of his mouth as he hurries to go through the logs to see what had gone wrong. His brow is furrowed as he scours the logs to see the point of weakness.

This isn't the way he wanted the day to start. After his meeting yesterday, he'd been busy at home with his thoughts, the imagery of Ryan's touch and that sinful wooden table. Ryan couldn't make it, which was a pity. Gavin swears that he'll break in his new bed with Ryan soon. Gavin's night was plagued by the wicked thoughts of Ryan taking him all over the place. He felt like a teenager again, hungry for Ryan and everything seemed to remind him of him and his wicked ways.

All thoughts of those wicked things he wants Ryan to do to him are gone as he focuses. He thought he was so close, he thought he'd have the prototype for the key in his hands this morning. The errors are numerous in the logs and he can't help but to curse out loud as he lets his hands cover his face.

The tests he had had the computer do during the night were rudimentary. Even in this stage of the process his key should've gone through the generated locks like a hot knife through butter. But it hadn't. Gavin can't understand, he can't quite comprehend how he has been this blind. Of course, it would fail when the world had changed since he last tried this. There's new encryptions, new hurdles that he hadn't even thought about.

Good news is that he knows that he can fix this. He knows that he can make this work for them both. The key is still possible. The bad news is that there's still a ton of work to do. The worst of which is the fact that someone has to get into the CIA main databases to steal their encryption key to boost Gavin's key. Without it there's a considerable number of governmental doors that would remain closed. It's not the key he had promised Ryan. It's not the key that would make the world kneel.

Gavin wants it bad. He'll go on this mission himself if its needed. He wants this key as much as he wants air. He wants to give this key to Ryan, wants to repay him for all of the things he's done. The key is crucial. It's their future. Gavin supposes that he should've known that things rarely work as they do in the movies. He needs to be patient and work around the issue.

Trevor walks through the doors a few moments later and Gavin motions for him to come over. As Trevor sips his morning coffee Gavin explains the problem to him and Trevor listens intently. He agrees with Gavin that they need to get the encryption key from the CIA.

"It shouldn't be a problem." Trevor muses, glancing out into the distance as if he's trying to remember something.

"You talk about it like it's a walk in a park." Gavin replies with a raised eyebrow. "It's the CIA."

"We've done this previously." Trevor laughs. "It's surprisingly easy with the right crew."

"We have that?"

"Of course." Trevor replies. "Geoff will have a crew together in no time. Well, they're out on a mission right now but they're supposed to be back later today. I'll ask him if he has the time."

Gavin thanks him as he continues through to his office. Gavin watches after Trevor, lost in thoughts too vague to remember before he shakes his head and scrolls through the logs once more to see if he can see anything else he might need to know.

There's not much in the logs that surprise Gavin. He's seen this once before, he remembers how giddy he felt back then that they'd gotten so far. Now that he knows that they managed to get the key almost ready this early stage progress doesn't feel remotely as exciting. The errors only enhance that feeling of this being rudimentary and almost effortless.

With the error in his work there's not much he can do. He needs the encryption from the CIA to proceed and he's got no other missions to work on. When he asks if he can help the others there's still not much for him to do. He runs a quick search for Larry but even that doesn't take too long.

He sets his key to work once more, deciding to remove the locks that would require the extra information to see if the prototype key still works as intended on the weaker locks. The timer on his screen starts to slowly tick down and Gavin realizes that even if this counts as work there's not much for him to do except to stare at the numbers on his screen tick down.

He's bored out of his mind within ten minutes. He doesn't bother with it anymore, grabbing his phone to scroll through social media and the news. It's a slow day even on that front and he's exhausted his distractions by lunch. There's still a few hours left on his countdown and he sighs loudly, looking around the room.

He grabs his phone again, knowing that it's a bad idea. Gavin doesn't quite know why he does things like this. He knows these pictures will hurt him and he knows that he'll feel terrible if he looks at them. Yet he opens his photos on his phone and scrolls through them slowly as the new tests run on his computer.

Gavin's insides feel like they're being constricted by a large snake as he watches how happy he used to be. Well, happy is relative. Sure, he's smiling in the photo he took when he won his first Mario Party at the Jones'. But he can also see the tired circles around his eyes. He remembers how bad he was sleeping back then. He remembers the flashing nightmares that kept him up at night until he finally didn't sleep unless it was bright outside. Somehow it was easier to rest his eyes when it was bright, when the outside didn't match the dreary rainfall of his dreams filled with sharp blades and angry eyes and guilt.

Those same tired eyes linger in every picture he sees. They seem to follow him as he scrolls through the pictures of tags he's made in various alleys, of the fires Lindsay's started. He sees the sights that felt like a home then. As close to a home he's ever been previously at least.

He can't shake the odd feeling that thought brings to life. It still feels surreal. He can't wrap his mind around it. He's got a home, he's got a work place, he's got Ryan, he can sleep at night. It all seems so odd in comparison to where he was only months ago. He feels like he's alive for the first time, like he's awake for the first time in his life and he doesn't know how that's supposed to make him feel.

His mind lingers on Ryan and his heart sings. That's enough for him. He needs to just let go of the doubt. Ryan's there to catch him, to fix the cracks within him, to rasp down the sharpness when it grows to loud, to let him submit.

Gavin's fingers move as if they have a mind of their own and Gavin stares at the screen he pulls up. Michael's texts burn in his hands. Gavin feels a sharp slash inside him at the sight of the one-sided conversation that lingers on the screen in front of him reminding him of how terrible he's been.

Gavin can't help but to feel absolutely horrendous. He knows that he's still upset with Michael but as the proof of his own shittiness stares up at him he can't pretend he's a saint. He knows he's upset Michael, he knows that Michael's just worried for him. How he wishes that he had had the courage to explain, to not let his emotions run rampant and just talk instead of fight. He can't even imagine how different things might be right now if he hadn't been so overrun with his emotions.

Gavin stares at the screen, trying to will his hands to move again, to type out something, anything. The need to make things alright with Michael is rampant within him, like an icy wind that somehow seems to find every nook and cranny within him that are filled with his doubts and his worry. Michael's cruel words still feel like blades within him, no matter how much of them might be true. It still didn't give Michael the right to hurt him like that. He swore that he'd never hurt like that again. The next hurt he'll experience is with Ryan, the one that will finally end his existence. Hell, it might end the entire world and Gavin can't make himself care about anyone else but him and Ryan.

Texting Michael might lead to him getting hurt again. He might hurt him even more, he might hurl more poisonous words, he might ignore him completely. Gavin doesn't know which might be worse.

Gavin's heart skips a beat as a gasp leaves his mouth.

_Michael's typing…_

Gavin's eyes are glued to the message at the top of the screen. His mind tumbles like tumbleweed in a hurricane as he doesn't know if he wants to see what he's writing, or if he wants to remain ignorant. He struggles to breathe as he stares, the entire world around him disappearing around him as he waits patiently to see if his heart will be shattered even more.

It seems to take forever. Gavin can sense the hesitation, he can see it when the message pops up and disappears. Michael's typing something, then erasing it. Gavin's at the edge of his seat, not wanting to breathe to not disturb it at all. He's afraid if he looks away from his phone it'll all disappear.

_Michael's typing, Michael's typing, Michael's offline._

Gavin's breath stutters as he stares at the message at the top of the screen. He waits, and he waits. Michael doesn't come back.

Gavin doesn't know what he feels. His insides seem jagged once again, he feels like he's falling and shattering against the sharp pointed crystals that sprouted to life within as if their command word was those two words that now seem to be tattooed on Gavin's eyelids.

It was so close.

Gavin's hands shake as he stares at the screen. He can't make his fingers move. He doesn't comprehend what he could even write. The crystals within him glitter in the simmering fire within him and in this moment there's nothing else that he needs than Ryan's tight grip on his neck, his sharp teeth against his skin. He wants to feel the burn, he needs to feel the discomfort. He wants to forget.

Gavin's startled as the door to the room opens and bright light pours in. He drops his phone on his desk at the sudden interruption, it's like the phone has burned his hands. He sees Geoff march into the room with a group of people behind him, all of them looking like they've been through hell. Geoff's face is smeared with something black and the man behind him has a large bruise on his face and a bandaged arm.

The group look around the room, Geoff's eyes find Gavin's and he starts to walk towards him. Gavin's insides are instantly frozen with uncertainty as Geoff's icy eyes are locked with Gavin. From the corner of his eyes Gavin sees Trevor emerge from his office and freeze in the doorway.

"Free." Geoff grunts as a greeting as he stops by his desk. Gavin's eyes dart between Geoff's imposing posture and the curious look on the bandaged man's face.

"What can I do for you?" Gavin asks, and he hates how timid his voice is. The situation is strange, he didn't expect to see Geoff here and much less have him have something to say to him. He figures its best to be as amicable as possible. Geoff doesn't look like he's in the mood to take shit from anyone.

"You've already done it." Geoff says, shifting his weight and crossing his arms. Gavin's eyes are drawn to the intricate tattoos on his bare arms that are illuminated in the dim lighting of the room. "You were right."

"About the address?"

"Yeah." Geoff nods. "It was a trap set by the feds."

"Did anyone get hurt?" Gavin asks worried, his mind frantic with the idea that someone he didn't even know would be hurt. He didn't realize how attached he's getting to this place and the people that work under Haywood.

"No, thanks to you." Geoff answers and Gavin, swears he hears gratitude behind the gruff exterior.

"Thanks." The bandaged man chimes in with a broad smile that makes his eyes twinkle. "If it wasn't for you I'd be dead. Now I got a few days off instead!"

"You wish Diaz." Geoff grunts but Gavin hears the affection in his voice.

"Aw man, I was counting on having a few days to just chill and play video games." Diaz replies, a hint of a whine in his voice but the entire squad just laughs with him.

"As I was saying, thanks kid." Geoff says, returning his gaze on Gavin. "I had my doubts and still do, but you've earned some leeway."

Gavin feels oddly thankful for Geoff's frankness. The fact that Geoff seems to have grown some respect for him sits like a stone warmed by the sun inside Gavin and he returns Geoff's smile. Gavin feels proud of having achieved this by himself and without the outside help of someone else. He's sure he could've had either Trevor or Ryan say something to Geoff, but he feels much better having earned this himself.

"Speaking of which-" Trevor's voice interrupts them and Gavin sees him step into the discussion. "Have you seen the message I sent you?"

"About Free needing a quick infiltration?" Geoff asks looking thoroughly unimpressed with the difficulty of it. "Yeah, we've got time in two days if Free's intel is good."

"What's this infiltration?" Diaz asks, looking at Trevor intently. Gavin's eyes are drawn to a barely noticeable glance they share, a hint of an interaction that isn't suited for this situation. Gavin remembers Trevor's earlier remarks and has to fight the smile that threatens to make itself known on his face.

"Gavin needs a new encryption key from the CIA." Trevor explains, and Gavin still can't handle how easily they talk about breaking in to the CIA and stealing it. It's treason and they talk about it like it's nothing more than a trip to the corner store.

"Aw shit, it's been a while since we've been there." Diaz says, the excitement on his face making Gavin shake his head in disbelief. "What's up?"

"It's nothing-" Gavin replies quickly. "It's just that you guys talk about this like it's not something that would get you sent to a long one-way holiday in Cuba."

"It's because it's nothing." Diaz laughs. "It's our jobs and we're good at it. To be totally honest the CIA needs to boost their security because we've been there more times that I can count."

"That's enough Diaz." Geoff says briskly. "It'll be done in a few days. Free, get me every single detail I might need and a few more by tomorrow morning and I'll get you what you need."

Geoff nods his goodbyes to the people in the room and his squad start to leave with him. Gavin sees the glance Diaz sends to Trevor and he covers his mouth to hide his smile as Diaz hurries to leave with the rest of them. Trevor watches him go and turns to face Gavin.

"So Diaz, huh?" Gavin asks innocently and Trevor shrugs nonchalantly.

"What's between me and Alfredo is none of your business." Trevor says, trying his best to channel his authority as Gavin's boss.

"Whatever you say boss." Gavin salutes him. Trevor flips him off before making his way back to his office.

"I'd spend more time getting Geoff what needs and less time on gossip Free."

"Aye aye captain!" Gavin replies with a laugh, but he admits there's a truth to his words. He doesn't want to disappoint Geoff now that he's earned some faith from him.

Gavin busies himself with collecting all the data he's got on the key, where it's stored, what the squad needs to get and other details on the encryption key itself. Trevor informs Gavin that the squad doesn't really need the blueprints, more so a general placement as they've been to the facility before. Gavin puts in the blueprints nonetheless. He doesn't want to miss anything, he doesn't want to be responsibility for a failure.

Gavin spends the rest of the morning and afternoon with compiling the folder with information. He sends it to Geoff late that afternoon, happy with all the information he gathered. He's sure he's done his part, now all he has to do is to wait for the squad to retrieve the encryption key so that Gavin can get busy manufacturing the master key.

The afternoon sun is lazy as it pours through the windows into the IT room as Gavin leans back. He's sent his information, there's nothing he can do with his unfinished key. His phone is silent, no new messages.

His stomach ices over as he remembers Michael. He sighs deeply, rubbing his eyes as he tries to fight the sense of discomfort that seems so loud inside him. The mere reminder of Michael and the fact that he had been writing something for Gavin reminds Gavin of how not over it all he is. Michael still burns like a chemical burn inside him, hurting him intensely as he tries to ignore it.

He can't ignore it. The unpleasant buzzing inside him only grows larger and larger with every second. He's growing more and more frustrated as it grows within him. He wants to fix it, but there's something that holds him back. Pride, hurt, ego, whatever. He wants to get over it and write something to Michael.

But what do you say. Gavin doesn't feel like being the first to apologize. There's a lot more that Michael should apologize than what Gavin needs to. Gavin feels Michael's words still on his skin, like crawling ants constantly reminding him of Michael's venom. Gavin feels entirely too stubborn to take the first step. He doesn't trust that he won't crumble in front of Michael.

He can't stop thinking about that. Michael's so looming in his past. He's everything, he was the main focus in Gavin's life before he stumbled in front of Ryan. Michael was the first person he trusted after having his trust so violently shattered. Michael has a power over him, even if it's not a negative power. But he knows he'll break even more if Michael can't get over this.

His insides are loud and sharp as he thinks about it. He tries not to. He tries not to imagine Michael's face as he puts his foot down. That Ryan's dangerous, that if Gavin doesn't stop being with Ryan that there can't be anything between Michael and Gavin. His mind doubts that it would be like that, but the hurt inside him feels too delicious to ignore.

Before long Gavin realizes he's in too deep. The loudness inside him is suffocating and the sharpness is poking holes from the inside out. He knows he shouldn't have lingered in that hurt, he shouldn't have fed the sharpness but it's too late now. The sharp crystals within him are loud and demanding and there's nothing Gavin can do about it.

But Ryan can.

Gavin excuses himself, explaining to Trevor that he's done his work for the day and that he's heading home. He steps out of the Site almost on cruise control as he heads for his apartment, walking past the building and continuing towards the skyscraper that Ryan's in.

The thought of Ryan is intoxicating, it's like mind control. Gavin knows that he needs it, he wants it, he'll die without it. He needs Ryan to tear him down and rebuild him again and he needs it to happen now. Gavin's shaking with that thought as it mixes with the loudness within him that slices and deafens. It seems to echo as loud as gunshots in the elevator car as he rides up and up and up, doesn't the elevator ever stop, he's going to heaven, he's passing out with the lack of oxygen that burns in his lungs. He loves it.

The walk through Ryan's office, the brief smile and greeting towards Ashley and the long trek down the corridor towards Ryan's personal office feels more like a dream than reality. Gavin's mind is loud. He can't shake that loudness, that suffocating sharpness inside him. He's afraid. There's sharpness within him and he doesn't know what else to do. It's as if he's moving on someone else’s orders, like some sort of galactic hand is steering him.

Gavin knocks on the door. His heart is fluttering wildly. He knows he needs this, he needs Ryan to help him. He fears rejection although there's nothing that would justify that, just the sharp loudness that whispers things in his ears. He shakes his head, moving immediately when he hears Ryan's voice beckon him through walls and doors, through the universe.

"Gavin?"

Gavin looks up at Ryan. His hair is ruffled like he's been running his fingers through it, the files on his desk open and messy. Gavin moves, his body drawn to Ryan like a moth to a flame, like Icarus towards the sun. Ryan straightens his posture, his eyes glued on Gavin and Gavin can see the curiosity in his eyes dance with confusion.

"Did something happen?" Ryan asks, and Gavin can't open his mouth. His body is vibrating with pent up energy and his stomach is fluttering wildly with his nerves. Ryan leans back in his chair as Gavin walks around the desk, standing in front of Ryan, his breathing hard and wild and he feels like he's drowning as he looks into Ryan's impossibly blue eyes and the storm within.

Gavin swallows hard, Ryan's eyes drawn to the movement. Gavin feels like his mind is flatlining with the scent of Ryan so strong around him. He feels it within him.

Gavin moves his hands, pressing his wrists together, presenting it to Ryan. Gavin can feel the desperation flow from his eyes, he feels like it's coating his cheeks with the residue it leaves behind. Ryan's eyes flash with realization, his eyes darting all across Gavin's face and Gavin feels like he's drawing holy symbols on his flesh.

A beat passes. It feels like an eternity.

Ryan reaches up, wrapping his hand around Gavin's wrists with a tight grip. Gavin's mind stutters, barely recognizing that Ryan's hand can clasp both of his hands with ease. The pressure on Gavin's wrists feel like a life jacket in a storm and Gavin breathes out a breath, it feels like the weight on his chest has been lifted if only by an inch.

"I see." Ryan breathes, his breath heavy as he looks at Gavin. His eyes are unwavering, making Gavin's spine tingle with the intensity. Gavin can't stand the attention when he feels like this but at the same time he feels like it’s the only thing in the world. The intensity is almost like an open flame and Gavin's legs give in and he falls on his knees.

Ryan's eyes stay glued to him, but like this, kneeling in front of the man he worships he feels like he knows his place. It's right here. Under the bruising gaze, barely held together by his strong grip on his wrists.

"Please, sir-" Gavin stumbles over his words, his tongue feeling numb and clumsy in his mouth. He doesn't know what he's pleading for, the only thing he knows is that he needs this, he needs Ryan because he feels like he's shattering with the wild fluttering within him.

"You're so hungry for me that you couldn't behave?" Ryan asks, his tone infuriatingly authoritative and Gavin wants nothing more than to cower under it. "I was in the middle of work as you bust in here, misbehaving and teasing me. Maybe I should tie you down and teach you manners."

"Yes please sir-" Gavin breathes as he allows himself to let go and float in the intensity, allowing him to trust that Ryan knows what he needs.

"You'd love that wouldn't you pet?" Ryan whispers as he leans forward, his sharp teeth just shy from Gavin's ear. "Spread bare and under my mercy."

"God yes, yes sir-!" Gavin pants, his cock twitching with it all. Hell, if Ryan doesn't stop whispering in his ear Gavin's sure he'd agree to anything. His mind is replaying the sensation of being restrained and he can't help the soft pant that escapes him.

"You're so fucking dirty for me." Ryan whispers, his grip tightening just shy of bruising around Gavin's wrists. "You're hard just thinking about it aren't you?"

"Yes, sir!" Gavin moans, his eyes lulling close as he leans into Ryan's touch. His hand around his wrists is like a warm vice, his breath intoxicating in his ear, ghosting over his skin.

"Make no mistake, I'll teach you manners as soon as I'm done with work." Ryan continues, so close now that his nose brushes against Gavin's ear and even that small contact makes Gavin shiver. He's so sensitive with this loudness within him and he's sure he's going to combust right here. "But I need you to behave until then."

"Anything for you sir." Gavin moans no matter the sinking feeling in his stomach. When he's done with work. That might be in an hour or five and Gavin's dying.

"You'll be good and follow my commands pet?"

"Yes sir!" Gavin replies and feels his entire soul float away from his body as he watches Ryan lean back and reach for his tie. Gavin's eyes are glued to the way his fingers dig into the knot and pull it loose from his neck. There's never been anything remotely as arousing in Gavin's life and he can't stop drinking in the sight.

Ryan pulls his tie loose and leans back again. His never wavering grip on Gavin's wrists is replaced by the sensation of slightly warm soft silk. Gavin insides bubbles like boiling water as the flames within him dance wildly at the sensation of soft silk against tender skin.

The look on Ryan's face is purely feral, predatory and everything Gavin needs. He tugs his wrists slightly to test the knot Ryan tied around him. It's strong, there's no way Gavin can wriggle his way out of them and he feels a wild thrill inside him as he realizes how at Ryan's mercy he is. Ryan looks down at him, his eyes shadowed with his hunger.

Ryan tears his eyes away from Gavin and turns back to the work on his desk. Gavin shifts slightly to allow Ryan to roll his chair into the right position. Gavin's kneeling beside him, Ryan's leg strong and stable in front of him. His bound wrists feel like they're on fire, the fire inside him feeling kinship with the sensation of being bound but it's still too little. He needs more.

Ryan tsks at Gavin's soft whine as Gavin struggles to keep himself from shattering. Gavin bites his lip and stays still, his eyes watering as he fights the urge to do something about the hardness inside his pants or the burning desire that rages within him. He knows he's expected to behave and by god he's going to behave for Ryan even if it kills him. At this pace it will.

"Good, pet." Ryan murmurs after what feels like an eternity as Gavin's tingling all over with the effort. "You going to do as I say?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Then come for me." Ryan says so cavalierly that it sends a shiver through Gavin. Time freezes as Gavin tries to comprehend the words, his hands shaking in his lap as he looks up at Ryan. Did he hear him right, did his ears betray him? The urge to be good is deafening within him, mixing with his desire to form a ticking time bomb inside him.

Ryan looks at him, his eyes dark with desire, his jaw tight as he looks down at Gavin. The sight is almost more than he can handle, his mind flatlining as he doesn't hear as much as he reads Ryan's lips.

"I won't repeat myself."

"But my hands-" Gavin whines as he tries to formulate any coherent thoughts. Ryan's eyes flash with something dangerous, that same wicked danger that first made Gavin's inside molten. "I mean, yes sir, anything for you!"

Ryan's eyes are glued to him, the challenge hanging heavy in the air around them. Gavin can't hide that he's incredibly aroused, the coil inside him already impossible tight even in the inferno of his lust that rages, only fueled by Ryan's words.

Gavin shakes his head, he needs to let go. Ryan knows him, he knows what's the best, he knows what he can do and where his boundaries are. He trusts Ryan's with his life.

He shifts his weight, sitting more solidly on his heels as he presses his bound hands against the bulge in his jeans. His arousal is evident and even the slightest touch makes jolts of electricity dance in his body. He breathes unevenly as he tries his best to grind his hands against his cock, his hands too clumsy to actually open them.

The clack of Ryan's keyboard seems louder than possible around him as he tries his best, he wants to do his best and be good for Ryan but it's hard. He's so hard and it's so difficult to get anything remotely adequate in terms of friction. The imagery of the situation around him is powerful but he's still struggling, the palms of his hands never striking the right angle.

"Sir-" Gavin whines in his desperation. He can see the edge, he needs something more, just something small to push him over it. He needs Ryan, his words, his touch, him. He needs him so bad and the look on Ryan's face is uninterested. Gavin can see the dark hunger in his eyes, but the look of indifference is striking and it sends a flutter through him. "Please sir-"

Gavin shifts forward rising up on his knees and he leans against Ryan's strong leg. Ryan raises his eyebrow as if to ask what's wrong and Gavin's words fail him the moment his bulge brushes against Ryan's leg. His entire body is jolted with the arousal, his hips moving on their own accord as he humps Ryan's leg like the slut he knows he is.

Ryan leans back in his chair, looking down at Gavin's flushed face, both with embarrassment and with desire, his eyes watering with it all, his partially open mouth. His breath is heavy, shuttering as Gavin's hips move, his cock trembling as the friction hits him just right. He can't get over how he must look, his body flushed with a new flash of embarrassment, but it's quickly subsided with a wave of arousal as Ryan's eyes burn through him, making him forget how embarrassing this might be. He lets go.

Ryan's so infuriatingly strong against him. His body stays still, impassive almost as Gavin chases his release like an animal. He feels freer, he feels desperate to reach his edge and if Ryan keeps looking at him like that he's sure he's going to soar over it. Ryan's eyes are stormy, the lust in them apparent and feral, flashing with thunderous lust as Gavin's moans vibrate through both of them. Gavin's bound hands try to hang on, try to keep holding on to Ryan's thigh but they keep slipping. He can't shake the immense pleasure that the mere sight of his bound hands shakes loose inside him.

Gavin's pace grows more and more desperate, his rhythm struggling to keep pace with his need. He bucks, knowing he's so close that it hurts, and Ryan's order feels like holy scripture for him right then and there. He comes for him, with one last desperate hump. Ryan's eyes never leave him as Gavin chokes on his name. Gavin wants to cry, he wants to weep with the intensity of the situation but Ryan's strong hands brush against the moment he stops bucking, scooping him up into his lap.

Gavin shudders for a few moments, his mind struggling to understand what just happened. He can feel Ryan's hardness underneath him and the sensation sends new fuel into the flames within him that are soothed for the moment, but far from tamed. He needs more, he needs so much more.

Ryan's fingers dig into the knot around Gavin's wrists and he loosens the tie from Gavin's wrist. His skin feels tender and Ryan presses kisses against the sensitive skin. Gavin senses that Ryan's nowhere near done with him, that same feral hunger still clear as day in every bit of him.

"You alright pet?" Ryan whispers, pressing a kiss just behind Gavin's ear. Gavin's body reacts to his touch like it's his body's only function.

"Yes, sir, but-" Gavin whispers his reply, his heart stuttering with the doubt on if he's supposed to vocalize his desires unprompted like this.

"Tell me what you need." Ryan says, his voice strong and the command clear as day as if he knew Gavin's doubt on saying these things just like that.

"I need more, sir." Gavin breathes deciding to toss aside anything that might hold him back. He's still filled to the brim with nervous energy and he needs Ryan to empty him and fill him back up with peace and golden light.

"I wasn't remotely done with you pet." Ryan replies, and Gavin can hear the dangerous and thrilling edge of his voice. It electrifies every cell in his body with unspoken promises. "Stand up, we're leaving."

"Where are we going sir?" Gavin asks as he hurries onto his feet. Ryan stands up in front of him, his body brushing against him, his posture towering over Gavin in more than one way. He's rushed with intense fire, his mind screaming at him to submit, to let Ryan control everything and take charge. To make him weep and shatter.

"My place pet." Ryan smirks, his teeth glimmering with mesmerizing attentiveness. "It's time to play."


	6. XVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday, hopefully this will start your week off with a nice start! ❤ 
> 
> You've all been so nice towards me, and I read your comments daily to keep up my spirits, but the situation around me irl is not dying down yet. I'm trying to get the next chapter out in two weeks, I just finished chapter eight's first draft but I've had to modify the story a bit to fit my current levels of writing mojo so it's going to be a while before this is finished. I'm really and truly grateful for all the support guys and I hope you have the patience to stay with this story until the end. Love you! ❤

Gavin feels like his entire body is about to break into a thousand pieces with the excitement and hunger within him. He can barely behave, he can barely make his body walk in front of Ryan as they walk through the office, walk past Ashley. Gavin barely notices that there's nobody else here, he can only focus on the energy that radiates from Ryan. He walks into the elevator and sees Ryan cast one last comment to Ashley before he steps into the elevator car with him.

The doors close behind him, and Gavin's mouth falls open at the intense energy in the car. Ryan's standing in front of him, the picture beside predatory in the dictionary. Gavin's back presses against the back of the elevator as Ryan takes a step forward.

Gavin's mind feels like it's short-circuiting as Ryan's scent fills every air molecule around him, his warmth just barely from his own body. Ryan's eyes are like midwinter storms, unpredictable, dangerous and oh so thrilling. Gavin sees his own lust mirrored in Ryan's, but he doesn’t dare to move. He teeters on the edge, his mind only following one command. Submit.

"My, my, you're hard again pet." Ryan remarks, his eyes flicking down to the bulge in Gavin's pants. Gavin's breath is caught in his throat, his eyes glued to the dangerous glimpse of Ryan's white teeth. "You're insatiable, aren't you?"

"Yes, sir." Gavin breathes, struggling to keep himself together as he's flushed from head to toes with intense arousal. How he wants Ryan to take him here, right now, just pin him down and use him, no matter if the doors might open and give the world a view to Gavin's undoing. He doesn't care, he's pulled under the surface and he doesn't care.

The elevator stops suddenly, the doors opening to a dark garage, but Gavin doesn't want to leave Ryan's eyes. The storm within him seems to call for him, he's sure that he'll drown in those stormy seas, but he couldn't care less even if it would kill him. Ryan's all that matters, and the fact that the mere thought of him melts Gavin's insides.

Ryan brushes to the side, motioning for Gavin to follow him into the coldness of the underground garage. Gavin casts a glance around the open space littered with cars of different colors as he follows Ryan like his life depends on it. He's sure it is, if he'd lose sight of Ryan now he'll disintegrate into fine dust. The hunger within him sharpens every move he makes, his mind flatlining as his steps echo in tandem with Ryan's.

Gavin can't comprehend how Ryan manages to act like this. He's seen, he's felt the evidence of Ryan's arousal hard against him and yet here he walks like he's heading out for groceries and not to shatter Gavin into a thousand pieces and mold him again. Gavin's struggling to breathe with the intensity of the thought alone.

Ryan casts Gavin a glance that's enough to make his stomach pool with arousal as they reach a spotless, black sports car. He flicks his keys and the car hums to life and Ryan's eyes are as dark as the void as he looks at Gavin.

"Get in."

Gavin doesn't need to be told twice. He's floating in a peculiar haze, everything he's doing aimed only at pleasing Ryan. He climbs into the car, inhaling deeply to have as much of Ryan's scent inside him. He's sure that he'll die without it. Ryan doesn't bother with anything, his arm flexing almost unnoticeably as he turns the keys and flooring out of the garage.

Gavin's never been in a car like this, the speed as dizzying as Ryan's grip on his thigh is. Gavin can barely focus, he can't comprehend the outside world, he can barely comprehend the hand on his thigh. He's drowning and he's loving it. Ryan's warmth seeps through his hand, through Gavin's jeans as he drives like he's immortal. Gavin's hanging on, trusting Ryan with his life, with his pleasure, with everything and anything he has to give.

Gavin can't tear his eyes away from Ryan. He looks divine like this, the light illuminating him so perfectly through the side window, his arm strong as his hand caresses Gavin's inner thigh, his other hand gripping the wheel as tightly as he wishes Ryan would grip him. Gavin's panting already, his breathing earning him a glance from Ryan, his eyes flashing impossibly wickedly at the sound.

Ryan pulls into a ramp and Gavin turns to look around him just before they drive into another underground garage. He catches enough of his surroundings to know that they're not far from the office, they're still in the middle of the city. Ryan's car revs inside the enclosed space as the doors close behind them and Gavin's shivering with it all.

Ryan drives through one more door, this one requiring a code he punches into his phone. The doors open and Ryan parks by large metallic doors. Gavin doesn't need to be told to get out, he steps out into the private garage as Ryan does and his eyes are wide as he takes in the large collection of impossibly expensive cars.

"Are these yours, sir?" Gavin breathes in wonderment as he follows Ryan to the doors, the elevator behind them and Ryan casts him a wild look.

"You want to talk about the cars pet?" He replies, cornering Gavin in the elevator as the doors close behind him. His breath is heavy against Gavin skin, Gavin's mind loosing coherent thought as his lips brush against Gavin's, teasing him as his arms trap Gavin between them, between the wall and Ryan's strong chest.

"No sir." Gavin breathes, feeling dizzy as their breaths mix together.

"What do you want to talk about then?" Ryan counters, his smirk as smug as ever. Gavin's bursting and they both know it, they both know what Gavin needs, what he craves and yet Ryan pushes him to vocalize that. Gavin can't deny that the thought to saying these wicked things out loud feels incredibly empowering.

"Your cock sir-"

"What about my cock, pet?"

"I want it inside me." Gavin moans, Ryan's eyes flashing with desire and Gavin feels braver to continue. "I want you to make me weep, make me beg sir, make me so sore that I can't walk tomorrow."

"Is that so?" Ryan breathes, pressing his hardness against Gavin and Gavin's insides flutter wildly. "Those are things you want, but what you need might be a different story. Do you trust me to know what you truly need, pet?"

"I trust you sir, I trust you more than anything." Gavin breathes immediately, the thought on if that was a good idea immediately discarded. He's hungry, he's desperate, he needs Ryan to break him. He needs Ryan to shatter him. He trusts Ryan to know him better than he knows himself. He's too far gone to even think straight, all he knows is that Ryan's so hard, he's so aroused, there's nothing else in this world than the two of them.

The doors open to a large open space, Gavin's dizzy with the ride and the sight of the sky exposed behind the large windows take the last of Gavin's breath away. Ryan's arms embrace him, his body strong and warm against Gavin's back. Gavin can feel Ryan's hardness against his ass, his lips on Gavin's neck.

Gavin's interest in the apartment itself pours out like sand between his fingers as Ryan's teeth graze against his skin, his heart stuttering wildly as Ryan's lips presses against his skin, his neck as abused as his insides are with the wild fire. He's come once already but his cock is straining against the denim once more. He needs this so bad.

Gavin feels weightless as he's held like his, one of Ryan's arms sneaking against Gavin's skin, pressing into Gavin's pants, his warm fingers brushing against Gavin's throbbing cock. Gavin breathes deep, as if he's surfacing for the first time in hours and his moan lingers around them. Ryan's other hand brushes against Gavin's neck, Gavin's head lulling back to present his neck to Ryan. He trusts him, he wants nothing more than for Ryan to just take him.

With Ryan's hand in Gavin's pants, his other holding Gavin's throat it's more like a waddle as they walk through the apartment. Gavin's floating along, not as if he's got much choice to fight against Ryan even if he wanted to. Ryan's mouth is merciless, his teeth and his tongue leaving tender and wet spots on Gavin's neck, the air hitting them feels sharp and Gavin's already slipping.

"Tell me what you need pet." Ryan murmurs in his ear, the vibrations of his voice feeling like a jackhammer inside Gavin and he's panting already. His arms hold on to Ryan's arms, wanting nothing more than to merge with Ryan, to become one and ascend.

"Push me, sir." Gavin moans loudly as Ryan steers him through large wooden doors. Gavin's mind implodes at the sight of the large and soft looking bed in the middle of the room. There's a sense of arriving at the end of a journey but he knows, he just knows that the true journey hasn't even begun.

"Blindfold?" Ryan murmurs, his teeth pulling Gavin's earlobe and Gavin's eyes are struggling to stay open as he looks at the bed he feels like he's going to be intimately acquaintance with in a few moments. He never wants to leave this room again.

"Yes please, sir!" Gavin breathes, his breath morphing into a moan. God how he longed for the blindfold, the complete, all-encompassing feeling of vulnerability and trust. The intensified and heightened sensory outputs, the mind-blowing pleasure, it's all he needs to survive.

Ryan's chuckle reverberates through Gavin as Ryan presses him closer to him. Gavin can feel his hardness against him and his breath is heavy as he allows himself to be vulnerable like this. God, he's sure he'll die without Ryan holding him like this, his cock at his ass, his voice so wicked in his ear. He feels blessed, like he's been graced by the gods as Ryan moves them slightly more towards the middle of the room. Gavin holds his breath as he hears a rustle of clothing before something silky brushes against Gavin's arm.

Gavin closes his eyes willingly as he feels the black comfort of the blindfold, his blindfold, slip over his eyes. As soon as the blackness encompasses him he sighs contently, an edge removed from within him, allowing him to be freer that he's been without the blindfold.

As his sight leaves him his other senses struggle to keep up and Gavin's immediately flushed with intensity over the sensation of Ryan's body against him. He can't help but to grind his ass back, trying to reach Ryan's hardness but Ryan's grip around him tightens.

"Seems like someone needs a reminder on how to behave." Ryan growls, his grip delicious and maddening, thrilling Gavin to the tips of his toes. "Strip."

Gavin's reeling with the loss of Ryan's touch, his body stepping away from Gavin as he hurries to do as he's told. He's clumsier than he'd like, his mind occupied with trying to sense where Ryan is but as his clothes rustle and his heart hammers in his ears he can't hear where he is at all. He still feels his eyes on his body, burning across his skin as he removes his clothing bit by bit, his skin reacting to the cooler air in the room.

As Gavin kicks his underwear to the side he stands still, his heart wild and his mind frantic for anything, for the slightest touch. He's so hungry, his entire body seeming to lose coherent thought as he waits, his mind worried that he might be alone in the room even though he can feel Ryan's intense eyes on him even without actually seeing him.

Gavin's startled and a soft cry tumbles out of him as he hears the sound of Ryan moving something heavy. His mind goes into a state of panic, he doesn't know what's in store for him, but he knows deep down that whatever it is he's going to accept it and thank Ryan for it.

Ryan's suddenly there, his breath barely ghosting over Gavin's face before his lips are on his. Gavin can't help but to lean into the kiss, Ryan's taste so enthralling and he's missed the way his hands cup Gavin's face, almost cradling him in a cocoon of pleasure. Ryan's tongue slips into Gavin's mouth, Gavin biting down on it in his desire. He hears Ryan growl, the sound echoing through them both and Gavin feels a wicked heat pool in his stomach.

As soon as he was there, Ryan's lips leave him. As a whine grows in Gavin's chest he feels Ryan slip behind him, his hands on Gavin's shoulders as he guides Gavin to walk forward a few steps. His hands on his shoulders then push him slightly, Gavin taking the hint kneels on the ground. There's something in front of him and he's drowning in the desire that pools within him, the waves of pent up desire thrashing him against the sharpness within him.

Gavin feels his body be lowered onto a soft surface, a surface he soon recognizes to be the bench that was situated at the end of Ryan's bed. The bench is just high enough for Gavin's torso to lay flat on the top while his legs and arm hang comfortably to the sides. Ryan's hand is heavy on the small of Gavin's back, pressing him against the bench and Gavin's breath is loud and needy.

"You've been a bad boy, haven't you?" Ryan murmurs, his other hand stroking down Gavin's sides, his body leaning over Gavin to tie his hands to the legs of the bench. Gavin's heart's hammering wildly with his desire that only grows larger with every wicked syllable that tumbles out of Ryan's perfect mouth. "

"Yes, sir-"

"And what do bad boys deserve?" Ryan whispers, his hands tying down Gavin's other arm. As Gavin's mind is flushed with intense desire he tests the restraints holding him down. They hold him down with ease, nothing he can do is loosening the restraints around him, Ryan's hands feeling like pure fire on his skin as his hands travel down, down, sending shivers up Gavin's spine as they brush against his thighs until finally wrapping soft silken restraints on his legs.

"Don't make me repeat myself pet." Ryan growls, his fingertips trailing up Gavin's legs and the sensation feels so much more intense than anything before as Gavin buries his blindfolded face into the softness of the bench. He's completely naked, utterly at Ryan's mercy and Ryan's tone is harsher as he failed to answer him.

"Bad boys deserved to be punished." Gavin moans knowing the answer deep in his heart and is rewarded by a slap to his ass. Gavin cries out, his body reacting to the sharp sting of Ryan's hand and he can't help but to grow harder, his cock pressing against Ryan's bench, leaking with precum.

At one point in his life Gavin's sure he'd feel this situation to be questionable at best. But as he's here now, bound and blindfolded, his ass reddening with Ryan's hand prints he's sure he's ascending. Every slap feels like it tears down every wall within Gavin, stinging his flesh and fueling the maddening fire within him. With his blindfold on his hearing is doing double duty and between the slaps and the sinful cries that pour out of his mouth with zero resistance, he can hear Ryan's heavy breathing, he can sense his arousal at the sight of Gavin like this.

Gavin lets go of everything that he's holding on to, his grip loosening on his restraints as he chooses to just float along and trust Ryan. His precision is astounding, no two hits landing on the same spot and Gavin loses count of them by the time tears of relief are flowing from his eyes. He doesn't know, and he has no need to know why this feels like heaven, why every carefully placed slap on his tender ass feels like the sweetest nectar in the world, shattering the sharpness inside him until he's empty, he's clean.

The last slap echoes in the room, resonating deep within Gavin's own soul as he cries, his words betraying him yet again. His blindfold must be soaked, pressing against his eyes as his face is buried in the bench, his ass probably as red as ripe strawberries and high up in the air. His cock is straining, his hunger still not satiated, in fact he's even more aroused.

"Color?" Ryan's voice is strained, like he's holding back as his hand smooths over the tender flesh of Gavin's ass.

"Green, sir." Gavin pants without doubt, his newly found serenity singing within him as he allows himself to feel the peacefulness within him struggle with his deeply rooted hunger. Maybe Ryan's right, maybe he's insatiable.

"God you look so good like this." Ryan groans, Gavin's only reply a shattered moan that echoes in the vast emptiness inside him. Ryan strained voice feels like honey, it fills the cracks inside him with gold. Gavin's ears pick up the rustle of fabric and he's soon released from his restraints, Ryan's strong and warm arms picking him up from the bench.

Ryan falls back on the bed and Gavin goes along with him, Ryan's arms holding him up on his hips. Gavin can feel Ryan's naked hardness against his overheating skin, his tender cheeks flashing with hotness as he relies on his touch to guide him.

"You gonna be good for me pet?" Ryan asks, his voice dripping with sin and Gavin's mouth falls open as he can't hold back the intense rush of pleasure that Ryan's tight grip on his tender ass produces. Gavin's hands fall on Ryan's chest, his fingers splaying across the firmness to keep him upright as he tries to grind his ass against Ryan's cock, his entire being screaming for it.

"I'll be good, sir- Please-" Gavin pants, his struggles against Ryan's strength futile. He can feel Ryan's strain, he can feel that he wants this as much as he does and as much as he wants to trust Ryan he's growing more and more desperate to have Ryan's cock split him in two.

"What is it, my pet?" Ryan asks, his tone bordering to innocent while still dripping with heavy wickedness, staining his lips with its blackness. Gavin's cock twitches at the imagery, his mind trying to picture him like this, sprawled under him, his cock dripping with sin as Gavin struggles to breathe, blindfolded and in his complete thrall.

"Please fuck me sir!" Gavin cries out, throwing all sensibility out the window. He doesn't care about anything anymore, the thing that matters is getting Ryan's cock within him, letting him pleasure himself and Ryan at the same time. He wants to feel Ryan's cum drip out of him, he wants it all.

"Why didn't you say so?" Ryan replies as if he's solved a puzzle with his answer. Gavin wants to sob, he's bursting with his desire, his ribs cracking over the vastness that keeps expanding within him. He's so empty, he's too empty, he needs Ryan within him.

Ryan's hand moves from Gavin's ass and Gavin misses the warmth of it. Before he can mourn the loss those same fingers brush against Gavin's lips and Gavin swallows them greedily. His tongue is frantic, his hands grabbing hold of Ryan's wrist, keeping his fingers inside Gavin. It's not his cock, it's not nearly enough but it's something, it's something to anchor him and he swirls his tongue around his long fingers with a hunger he's never felt before.

Ryan groans loudly at the sight, Gavin can't see him, but he imagines the look on his face. Those blue eyes completely dark with his lust, half lidded and predatory, his teeth glimpsing through his parted lips, his chest heaving with the heavy breathing that Gavin can hear, he can feel it.

With a strained groan Ryan pulls his fingers out of Gavin's mouth. Gavin angles his hips right, desperate to get the fingers inside him again. He feels spit on his lips, his breath coming in heavy sighs as Ryan's wet fingers brush against his opening until finally pushing in.

Ryan's ruthless as Gavin writhes in his pleasure. Barely stretching Gavin enough before pushing another finger in and Gavin's dying, he's drowning as he grinds his ass down on Ryan's fingers as fast as he can. Ryan's breath is as heavy as Gavin's and Gavin's loving every single sound he can pull out of Ryan as he rides his fingers like his life depends on it.

"Fuck, Gavin." Ryan groans and Gavin's rushed with the sound of his name on Ryan's lips, his desperation taking over.

"Please, fuck me sir!" He cries out his hand moving to Ryan's wrist. He knows he's barely open enough, he knows it's going to burn like hell itself, he knows he'll be beyond sore tomorrow and he's lusting for it all. "Please, sir I need you-"

Ryan's still for a moment, Gavin can feel his eyes on him as he begs. He wants to be split, he wants the pain, he wants to feel Ryan like he's never felt before. Ryan's groan is loud, and Gavin's heart skips a beat as he feels Ryan pull out his fingers from Gavin. He's empty again, his mind screaming at what's going to happen and he's soaring higher than ever.

Gavin's soul shake to the core when he feels Ryan's cock brush against his ass. Ryan's grip is still infuriatingly tight on Gavin's hip, stopping him from sinking directly on Ryan like he wants, like he needs. Ryan's cock keeps calling out to him like it's the holy grail and Gavin wants nothing more than to have divinity fill him to the brim and break him into impossibly fine sand.

Ryan guides his cock to his entrance and as Gavin breathes deep he feels him allow him to sink down on the tip of his cock. Gavin throws his head back, throwing prayers into the universe as he feels himself sink inch by inch down on Ryan's cock. The stretch's more intense than anything he's ever imagined, the burn mirroring the inferno within him and as he breathes, he sinks, and he sinks until finally after an eternity he feels himself settle on Ryan's lap.

Gavin can barely draw a breath, like this it feels like Ryan's buried in him up to his lungs. He pants, he's incoherent as he tries to come to terms with all of Ryan within him, stretching and soothing, burning and all-encompassing. Ryan's breath's uneven under Gavin's arms as he braces himself on Ryan's chest, allowing him to relax, allowing him to relish the feeling of being filled like this.

"Color?" Ryan's voice is impossibly hot, strained and hungry as Gavin embraces the darkness around him, the incredible brightness inside him.

"Green, sir." Gavin moans loudly, rolling his hips. Ryan's moan shatters every remaining inhibition within him and Gavin feels Ryan's hands travel up Gavin's stomach, splayed fingers spreading heat over his skin. Gavin shifts his knees, lifting himself up slowly, throwing himself in the intense feeling of not seeing anything but just hearing the wicked sounds pouring out of Ryan as he sinks back down.

"Fuck, god you're so good like this." Ryan groans, his hands moving back to Gavin's hips, helping him bounce on Ryan's cock like he's made for this.

God, he wants to see Ryan, he wants to see the way his cock slides into him, impaling him over and over again. Gavin's mouth hangs open, he can feel Ryan's body move against his, under his, in him. His hips meet Gavin's halfway, thrusting up into him as Gavin sinks down and the sounds of their labored breathing fills the room, mixing with the intoxicatingly animalistic sounds of flesh hitting flesh.

The dull tenderness of his cheeks subsides to the growing inferno within him. Like this Ryan's hitting him just right with ever thrust and Gavin can barely draw a breath as he rides and rides, touching the fabric of reality as his eyes leak with moistness that his blindfold absorb with ease.

"Harder sir-!" Gavin cries, arching his back slightly as his thigh muscles struggle to keep up with the pace. He's sure that Ryan's hand prints have embedded them into his bones already, but he wants more, he needs more, he needs to be filled with pleasure, both his own and Ryan's. Ryan's cock is ruthless, his hips snapping up into Gavin's warmth like there's no tomorrow and Gavin's pants morph into incoherent and frantic chanting, he's sure Ryan's name mixes with the names of gods of yesterday and tomorrow.

Ryan's hands are tight on Gavin's hips, holding him still as he thrusts up into him harder. Gavin's fingers are curling against Ryan's chest as his toes curls behind him as he can't think straight. Ryan's cock splits him again and again and he feels like he's drowning in syrup, his body moving as if in a trance through the sweetness and he's slick with sweat as is Ryan.

Fire pools in his stomach, the coil tightening as he tenses, his mind crying out for his release and his cock is throbbing as it bounces against his stomach with every thrust. As if Ryan can hear his thoughts, one of his hands release Gavin's hips and he can feel the strain on Ryan's body as he continues to thrust into Gavin's warmth as if it's the answer to all life's mysteries as his free hand grabs Gavin's cock in a tight grip.

"Come for me pet." Ryan growls as his hand jerk Gavin's cock just right. "Come with me!"

Gavin doesn't need to be told twice, he careens over the edge screaming Ryan's name, throwing his head back in prayer as white light encompasses him. Only because he's focusing, he's trying to hang on, he can feel Ryan splatter inside him and that feeling makes Gavin's mind swoon, his body going limp and he knows he's falling.

He awakens moments later on Ryan's chest, Ryan's softening cock still in him as they lay sweaty in each other’s arms. Gavin's cheek is pressed against Ryan's shoulder, his ear listening to the hammering of his heart and Gavin's own labored existence copies the rhythm only to be closer to him still.

Ryan's arms are around him, holding him close and stationary on top of his chest. Gavin's hand moves up Ryan's sweaty chest to cup his jaw, finding his lips with his own. The blindfold is stuck to his face, both with his sweat and his dried tears holding it in place and he's floating in the senselessness.

"You alright darling?" Ryan's voice is hoarse and tight with exhaustion as they break for air. Gavin lingers on his face, pressing kisses all over his face, tasting the salt on his skin.

"I'm radiant." Gavin replies and feels him smile under his kisses. Gavin's not lying, his insides are smooth and light, a radiant happiness filling the emptiness that Ryan molded within him. He's never felt like this before, his body and mind feeling oddly enhanced, the link between them electrified and Gavin doesn't know how he's ever going to be able to repay Ryan for this.

"That you are. You did so good darling, you did so good." Ryan replies softly, drawing him into a kiss once more. Ryan's movements are tender, slower than before but the taste of him is still equally wild and thrilling against Gavin as Ryan's praise linger inside him like the after high of his release. Their tongues swirling against each other, content in the company and not in a hurry to surrender or take charge. "Can you walk darling?"

"I'm not sure." Gavin answers, suppressing the urge to ask why. He trusts Ryan, he trusts him to know what he needs and craves, he trusts him to take care of him.

Ryan shifts under him, Gavin still helplessly blind with his blindfold but he knows Ryan will take it off when he needs it. He's soft, he's boneless as Ryan rolls him over before standing up and scooping Gavin into his arms. There's a tenderness to his movements, allowing Gavin to continue to hang on to the sense of pleasure still rippling through him. He's content in just being held like this, at the mercy of Ryan's care.

Gavin snuggles his face closer to Ryan's neck, breathing in the scent of him as Ryan moves. Gavin's not interested in where they're going, the scent of Ryan buzzing in his mind, painting his consciousness with him. Ryan's skin is hot against him, but the air gets cooler as they walk through a door. Gavin's mind recognizes the space to be a bathroom even without sight, he can feel the energy around him.

Ryan moves with him, leaning over to open a tap. Gavin hears the sound of water rushing on something solid as Ryan walks back to the door, Gavin hears the click of lights as Ryan moves them back to the tub. The sounds fill the space as Gavin hangs on, his body unable to let go even if his mind wanted. He's drowsy, the adrenaline from the intensity of the evening leave him like air out of a faulty tire.

The scent of something pleasant lingers up to Gavin and he breathes in the scent greedily. He can't quite place it but he can't help but to feel a soothing feeling linger inside him as he breathes in the scent. The sound of water running on water fills the room and within a few minutes he feels Ryan lean over and turn the tap of.

"Alright darling, hold on to me-" Ryan murmurs and Gavin tightens his grip as Ryan steps into the bath. Gavin can't help but to tense a little as he feels water against his skin but as the temperature is just right he relaxes back into putty in Ryan's arms. Ryan sinks down lower, settling in against the back of the bath pulling Gavin against him, angling him so that Gavin may rest his cheek on Ryan's chest.

Gavin knows he had been wrong assuming that heaven was in the other room. The warm water around him flows with the delectable scent, Ryan's strong arms holds him close to his heart that Gavin can hear beating steadily and if there were any bones left in Gavin's body they disappear with the content sigh that pours out of Gavin.

There's no need for words as Gavin presses himself tighter against Ryan, relishing in the soothing sensation of being held up by the water and Ryan's arms. There's no need to do anything, allowing him to just be. Ryan's humming something soft as Gavin draws soft figures on Ryan's chest with his fingers.

"I'm going to remove your blindfold darling." Ryan murmurs softly, pressing a kiss against the top of Gavin's head. "Close your eyes."

Gavin's eyes are already closed, and he feels Ryan's fingers trail water on his head as he gently unties the blindfold and drops it outside the tub. Gavin's eyes crack open slightly, greeted by darkness. The only light comes from the partially open door and even it's muted. The darkness of the room soothes his mind, as he tilts his head to look at Ryan.

Ryan's hair's tousled, his features relaxed and calm as he looks down at Gavin almost as if he's looking at something holy. Gavin's breath stutters at the intensity of the adoration that lingers in Ryan's gaze, his eyes still darker than usual, and Gavin loses himself in the utter blueness that resonates within him like bells.

"Thank you." Gavin breathes, his face so close to Ryan's that he can count the shadows of his eyelashes on his cheeks. His hand reaches up to caress Ryan's jaw, painting it with water as he brushes their lips together, allowing his tongue to trace his lips before deepening the kiss.

Ryan's hands move across Gavin's body, brushing against tender skin as he allows Gavin to kiss him like he needs it to survive. There's no doubt in Gavin's mind anymore, Ryan owns his soul. There's nothing within him anymore that hasn't been branded with Ryan's divinity.

"I don't know how I can repay you-" Gavin mutters against Ryan's lips as they break for air. He feels a pang of guilt within him at the imbalance of what he's given Ryan and what Ryan's given to him.

"Darling, I need you to listen to me." Ryan replies, his hand on Gavin's jaw tipping his head and he waits until Gavin looks into his eyes anymore. "There's nothing to repay. You think that what we just did wasn't as good for me as it was for you?"

"Was it?" Gavin's voice is light, his eyes searching for the truth he already knows in Ryan's eyes. They twinkle with adoration, with determination and an underlying current of authority that fans the embers within Gavin.

"Yes." Ryan breathes easily with a crooked smile. "It was more than anything I've ever had before. Don't you ever doubt that."

Gavin's words fail him, and he presses another kiss of happiness against Ryan's lips. How he wishes he could broadcast this happiness to the entire world, or at least have Ryan taste it on his tongue.

Gavin allows himself to be taken care by Ryan, allowing him to brush him clean with a wash cloth. He lingers in the way Ryan's eyes trace his body and he can see the devotion even in the dark. His heart swells with the look of concentration and adoration on Ryan's face as he cleans him, allowing Gavin to do the same. Gavin's hands move methodically, tracing and memorizing the curves of his muscles, the slight divots of old scars and he feels Ryan's eyes burn through him as he worships his body.

Ryan pulls Gavin up from the cooling water and wraps him in the softest towel Gavin’s ever touched. Ryan kisses him hard, Gavin's toes curling as he leans into the kiss, feeling drips of water run down their bodies as they kiss in Ryan's dark bathroom.

Gavin feels like he's floating on clouds as Ryan dries him off, allowing himself to be pulled back into bed. Gavin's too drowsy to pay much attention to anything other than the curve of Ryan's naked ass as he reaches over to pull the thick covers off the bed before climbing in and pulling Gavin up with him.

Gavin nuzzles against Ryan's soft skin as they settle in. Gavin feels like he's truly in heaven, the soft silk around him only enhancing the feeling of Ryan's strong but soft body against him, warm like a beacon in the night. He breathes in the scent of Ryan, feeling once last thrill of the silken bed linens brush against the tender skin of his ass before he feels himself doze off, comforted by the warmth and security of Ryan's embrace.


	7. XVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um hi, you might've noticed the 5+ months since the last update. Life has been tough for a while now, but my one of my goals for this year is to finish my fics. So here we are, finishing them! I missed my goal of publishing a chapter before 2019 starts by 9 days, but I hope you won't be too mad. 
> 
> If you don't read my other fics I'll reiterate what I wrote there about the future and my status as a member of this fandom. I'm not really as involved in the RT fandom anymore since early spring 2018, I watch their videos but I haven't engaged in the fandom since spring. I've kinda gotten roped into a new fandom, so these fics will probably be the last ones I write for AH/RT. It feels bittersweet, but I feel like I've gotten so much joy from the fandom that I shouldn't feel sad about growing and evolving. I hope you guys have found joy and inspiration or whatever it might be with me on this journey as well as from my fics. 
> 
> Love you guys! Your love, kudos and comments have been glimmers of light in an otherwise dark time for me and I don't think I'll ever be able to express my gratitude in words. I've read them all even if I've been unable to express my thanks with reply's. Rest assured that I've read and probably cried to all comments. The love this series has gotten has floored me, and will be something I take with me for a long time. This story, especially the first part is something I'm proud of. This has all been from a small idea of Gav sucking Ryan off (thanks brain). I've grown both as a person and as a writer since I started this journey. 
> 
> Love you. ❤

_"Where are you going?" Gavin asked startled. He looked up from his computer screen, watching Dan's shoulders sag as he stood by the door._

_"Out." Dan's reply was tight and controlled and sent fury through Gavin. Dan couldn't possibly be so incredibly stupid to go out this often. They're hunted by the entire country and this was the third time in two weeks he's gone out. Gavin shook his head in disbelief._

_"Again?" He asked unable to keep the tension away from his voice and Dan's shoulders heaved with held back anger._

_"Yes, again." He replied, slamming the door to their current hideout just outside Liverpool with a slam that shook the small window._

_Gavin's brow furrowed with worry, he couldn't understand why Dan's acting like this. He had been acting like this for weeks now, seemingly uncaring about the danger he was exposing them both for. Gavin suspected the running was taking its toll on Dan, his eyes narrowing at the screen in front of him. He just needs to make this bloody key, he had to persevere and be strong for them both._

_The key was almost done and when it would be done, things would return to the way they were with Dan._

_Gavin smiled through the tension in his body._

~---~---~---~

Gavin wakes slowly. His body feels soft, his being easy and it takes him a while to actually open his eyes. The room is barely lit, the first hints of dawn peeking through the partially closed heavy curtains. Gavin's eyes struggle to focus, his lungs fill with the delicious scent of Ryan as he breathes easy. 

He can tell Ryan's not awake yet, his breathing too even, his body relaxed in a way he's never seen anyone before. The arm around him is heavy with sleep but Gavin's too awake now to fall back asleep. His body is rested, and for the first time in a while he feels his mind and soul be equally at ease. 

He smiles fondly against Ryan's chest as he listens to his soft breathing, the steady heartbeat under his cheek. He wishes he'd always wake up like this. 

Gavin tilts his head slightly, allowing him to look around the room they're in. He didn't have much thought to that yesterday, and with his blindfold it was outright impossible. Now he sees a large bedroom, hardwood floors and a soft rug between the large double doors and the bed. Gavin sees the hint of the red bench he had been strapped to only hours ago and his stomach is flooded with the memories. 

The heavy curtains on the window have been pulled together in a rush and Gavin can see the hints of other skyscrapers behind the large windows he remembers seeing from the night before. The bed itself is large, filled with their bodies and soft, silken linens in dark reds and blacks that feel cool against his skin even as he feels himself be warm with sleep. The room itself seems so fitting to Ryan that Gavin wants to smile. It feels strict, like there's authority even here but it's still soft and comforting. 

He's never felt as home in a space as quickly as he has here. 

His eyes linger over Ryan's sleeping body, the steady rise of his chest as he sees his own blindfold on the bedside table, yet another reminder of the night before. He doesn't remember Ryan taking it with them, but he doesn't remember a lot of the details, just the all-encompassing feeling of security and comfort. 

"Morning." Ryan's gruff morning voice vibrates through their bodies as Gavin brushes a soft kiss against his chest. "Have you been awake long?"

"No." Gavin replies, allowing Ryan to pull him closer to him and press a kiss on the top of his head. "I slept like a baby though."

"Me too." Ryan replies, and Gavin adores the gruffness of his voice and vows to hear it more often. "How do you feel?"

"Good." Gavin answers but as he moves he feels the sheets against his ass and he has to admit that he's still a bit sore. No wonder, he lost count of the slaps against his cheeks last night, pretty sure he was begging for more at the end of it. 

"Let me see." Ryan murmurs, instantly more awake than before and Gavin turns in the bed to show him. Ryan tugs down the sheets around them, the cold air feels invigorating against Gavin's skin as he feels Ryan's eyes, then his hands brush against his tender cheeks. 

"Beautiful." Ryan murmurs almost reverently and Gavin basks in the sensation of his wonderment and his attention. "Just a moment darling."

Gavin looks over his shoulder to see Ryan lean over and open the drawer of the bedside table on his side before turning back with a small bottle of lotion. Gavin doesn't shy away from looking at Ryan as he looks at Gavin's ass as he warms the lotion in his hands before spreading it on Gavin's ass.

Gavin sighs as Ryan massages the lotion on his skin, paying so much attention to Gavin that Gavin's soaring high and it's not even the break of dawn yet. The lotion feels like heaven on his skin, Ryan's touch only heightening the sensation as he soothes the edge of his soreness with confident strokes and Gavin melts against the bed as he allows himself to just float in the sensation. 

"So beautiful." Ryan murmurs again and Gavin feels him press a kiss on both of his cheeks. Ryan murmurs "You're amazing." in-between kisses as he kisses his way to Gavin's face, pressing open mouthed on Gavin's jaw. Gavin entangles his fingers in Ryan's hair pulling him into a lazy morning kiss, having zero patience for waiting until they've brushed their teeth. 

"Thank you." Gavin murmurs as they break for air. 

"No, thank you." Ryan replies, pressing another kiss on his lips before sitting up. "Come on, we'll brush our teeth and then I'll show you around before breakfast."

Gavin allows himself to be pulled up from the warmth of the bed and tosses on the sweatpants Ryan hands him, grabbing the t-shirt he'd wore the night before as Ryan opens the bedroom doors and leads Gavin through them.

Ryan's apartment must be twice or thrice the size of Gavin's and Gavin's amazed by it all. They walk past an office, that looks cozier than his work office, a library that's filled to the brim with books, a few guest bedrooms until they finally enter the large living space. 

Gavin remembers this space, he remembers the elevator doors and the table in the hall, he remembers the painting on the wall, the large windows. Now in the light of the day he lets his fingers run over the marble kitchen island as he tries to take it all in. He's sure he'll get lost here, but he can't stop smiling at how utterly Ryan the space is, just like his bedroom. 

"When I've got time, I'll show you around more- thoroughly." Ryan whispers in his ear as he wraps his arms around Gavin from the behind. 

"That sounds like I won't have much time to look around me." Gavin replies with a smile, responding to the smile he feels against his skin. 

"A challenge then." Ryan muses with a chuckle before leading Gavin to the kitchen. Gavin hops on the island to watch Ryan start making breakfast. He laughs as Ryan chooses to make the full English breakfast, allowing him to steal kisses as he passes him. 

Gavin can't help but to enjoy himself. Ryan's in a good mood, his energy still intense but softer around the edges, still making Gavin's toes curl with every kiss. Gavin can't help but to follow his words, hopping down and setting the table. Ryan's words seem to have some sort of magic within them, he can't help but to follow his suggestions. He trusts him more than anything or anyone else and even if it's something small like setting the table for breakfast, Gavin's rushed with pleasure at the thought of obeying Ryan. 

Gavin sits opposite of Ryan as they sit down. Gavin realizes with a jolt that he's hungry and he digs in as Ryan pours them both coffee with a smile. 

"Gavin, I'd like to talk to you about last night." Ryan says suddenly, and Gavin stops with a forkful of eggs halfway to his mouth. He feels himself flush with discomfort at the thought of discussing everything that happened last night at the bright light of the day. The nagging voice inside him echoes the sentiment, his upbringing rearing its head to tell him that he ought to be ashamed of the things he did last night. 

"This is embarrassing." Gavin said with a soft laugh trying to stop the blush creeping on his face. He averts his gaze from Ryan's, looking down at the food on his plate. He didn't quite understand himself, he didn't know why this was so hard. It's not like he hadn't been crying and begging for Ryan yesterday. He supposes it's the brightness of the early morning that shines a light on the crumb of shame inside him. 

"Why?" Ryan asks. Gavin's startled by the lack of blame in his voice. He was prepared to be faced with frustration from Ryan. It’s not like Gavin to not do what Ryan asks immediately. "Do you not feel comfortable talking to me?"

"No! No, it's not that." Gavin hurries to answer, looking up at Ryan's pensive face. His head is tilted slightly, a curious glint in his eyes as he swirls the coffee in his cup almost absentmindedly. He's not absent though, his eyes more attentive on Gavin than ever before. 

"What is it then?" Ryan asks, and Gavin senses his true need to know. Gavin's been preparing to be mocked or ridiculed, forgetting that this is Ryan. Ryan who gave him agency, Ryan who's seen him at his lowest. Ryan who can make him weep with pleasure with one touch, with one whispered command. 

"I'm not used to talking so openly-" Gavin motions with his hand as he explains "-about things like this."

Ryan looks at him for a moment and all thoughts of eating vanish from Gavin's mind. He's rarely seen Ryan like this. He looks human, he looks wiser than possible with his blue eyes piercing through Gavin like he knows him better than Gavin knows himself. He studies himself, arranging his thoughts as Gavin's powerless to do anything. The heat on his cheeks only seem to magnify under Ryan's gaze. 

"Gavin, I expect and need you to speak freely with me." Ryan finally breaks the silence. His tone is soft, so low that Gavin's forced to listen to him carefully with his entire being. "That's especially true when we're alone together. How do you expect me to know what you need otherwise?"

Gavin just looks at him like he's told him the simplest truth in the world. He's right of course, how on earth didn't he think of that. As divine as Ryan might be, he's still a man and no matter how well, almost creepily well, he can read Gavin he can't do so without Gavin's help. His mind stutters at the thought of if Ryan's this good without help, how great he might be with even more knowledge. 

"I didn't think about it like that." Gavin replies, his voice soft, almost embarrassed about how he failed to see it. Ryan's smile is encouraging, and nothing about him radiates anything more than compassion and stability, just what Gavin needs to have this discussion. The nerves inside him relax, his mind realizing that this is just a discussion between two lovers. Ryan's actions this morning, well the entire time he's been here, only seems to point that he thinks of Gavin as an equal and Gavin's stomach is wild with the thought.

"Communication is crucial for the play we're engaged in." Ryan explains patiently, erasing any doubts within Gavin. It's like he knows exactly what to say to make Gavin more at ease with the situation. "It's important for me that you talk to me. Can you do that to me?"

"I promise I'll work on it." Gavin's reply is truthful. For Ryan he'll do anything. 

"I'm pleased." Ryan says with a smile and sips his coffee. Gavin wonders if he knows how his praise makes Gavin feel all fuzzy with pleasure. Judging by the crooked smile on his face Gavin thinks he might. "Now there's a few things I'd like to discuss as a continuation to this."

Gavin swallows, trying his best to relax and not panic at those words. He thought that this would be it, not expecting Ryan to continue talking. He reminds himself that Ryan asked him of this, that his cooperation makes him happy. He nods for Ryan to continue, ignoring the fluttering inside him. 

"Yesterday you came to me unexpected, clearly distraught about something." Ryan continues calmly, his coffee cup steady in his hands. "I'd love for you to talk to me about it, but only if you so choose. Remember Gavin, I value your choice, but I'd appreciate if you could help me understand."

There's a hint of a need to not answer Ryan but Gavin knows deep down that this day would come, and this seems like as good as time as ever to talk about this. Ryan seems relaxed, genuinely interested in what Gavin has to say and Gavin supposes he owes him an explanation for it all. 

"There was this- sharpness inside me." Gavin clears his throat in a vain attempt to make his voice sound stronger. Ryan encourages him to continue, his interest making Gavin more confident. He'll listen, he wants to know. "I don't know how else to describe it. A sharpness, a loudness that felt suffocating. I couldn't think of anything else to do, your touch always seems to help. It soothes me."

"Do you know what prompted the sharpness?" Ryan asks as Gavin falls silent. Gavin's heart flutters at Ryan's choice of words, not belittling him or mocking him. He's genuinely curious and Gavin feels more empowered than before. 

"Yes." He replies almost sheepishly. "Well, part of it was because of Michael."

Gavin explains what had happened with Michael as Ryan listens attentively, so focused on listening that it almost takes Gavin's breath away. He's starting to realize that Ryan doesn't do anything halfway. 

"I see." Ryan says, looking like he's thinking hard as he sips his coffee that must be cooling at this point. Gavin hangs on, his mind looking for validation and support after bearing his barely hidden pain to Ryan. No matter how much he wanted to hide it, he knows he's still reeling with Michael. 

"I think I understand." Ryan continues after a while, leveling his eyes on Gavin who drowns in the vastness of the sea they hide. "You were experiencing something of an emotional turmoil. It felt sharp and loud, like you couldn't focus on anything and you needed an escape."

"An escape." Gavin replies, nodding softly at the aptness of the word. "That's precisely right."

"Did you feel like you got that?" Ryan asks, and Gavin just laughs at his question.

"Yes." He answers with a smile. "Yes, you helped me tremendously."

"Was there a particular part of our activities that helped you the most, or was there anything that you didn't find satisfactory? And before you rush an answer, please consider this thoroughly. I want the truth, there's no need to be worried about my feelings or anything of the sort."

Gavin sits silenced, his mouth closing as he heeds Ryan's warning of rushing it. He sits back, grabbing his coffee and sipping it, looking out the large windows at the city. Had there been anything he didn't want? No, anything he didn't need? He racks his mind, trying to remember how he felt throughout the night. 

Was there anything he loved, anything that helped him tremendously? Yes, he thinks immediately remembering the peace that felt almost violent as Ryan spanked him. He can't help feeling a bit ashamed. What kind of person was he if that was what he liked. He shakes that thought away, he's with Ryan. There's no judgement here except the one he's been instilled with when he grew up. 

"I don't recall anything that wasn't good for me." Gavin replies finally, looking over at Ryan who seemed to have watched him the entire time. "But the thing that helped me the most was the spanking."

Gavin's voice doesn’t' waver as much as it has before, but vocalizing that thought is still challenging. Ryan doesn't seem to be fazed, he leans forward with a tilt of his head that screams curiosity, not malicious intent. 

"I suspected as much." He muses softly, his eyes softening a bit as he watches Gavin. Gavin sips his cold coffee in an attempt to shield himself even a bit from the intensity of the feelings in Ryan's gaze. "You seemed to enjoy it a lot last night. Could you elaborate on how it made you feel?"

"Aroused?" Gavin says almost incredulously. How did he expect him to answer? That his cock ached with pleasure with every single stroke? 

"Beyond that darling." Ryan replies with an amused chuckle. "I'm highly aware of the arousal."

"I felt empty. Not in a bad way. Like I was flying or floating in this intense sensation of relief, almost an out-of-body experience."

"Did you feel almost drunk, incoherent afterwards?" Ryan asks, his eyes intent on Gavin and he feels drawn to them. Ryan's tone's intense, all of his attention on Gavin. 

"Yes." Gavin replies easily, feeling dizzy with the attention and the validation for his feelings. "Why do you ask?"

"It sounds like you experienced what's known as subspace." Ryan explains. "I suspected as much, but having you confirm it is important. I've suspected for a while that you have a inclination towards submitting, to allowing yourself to be controlled by someone."

"Only by you." Gavin hurries to say. "I've never felt like this with anyone else."

"That's flattering darling." Ryan replies with a soft smile. "Did you find these feelings to be pleasurable, to be something you want to continue exploring? Do you trust me to guide you there and back?"

"Oh yes please." Gavin breathes his answer like it's the most apparent thing in the universe. Gavin looks at Ryan whose smile seems to light up the entire world and Gavin's struck by how focused on him they've been, and he's filled with something akin to shame for his selfishness. "Do you? Did you enjoy it too?"

"You've demonstrated your willingness to please me again and again, and I don't want you to think that your pleasure is any less than mine." Ryan answers, his gaze intense and Gavin understands that he's speaking the truth. "Seeing you bound and blindfolded, taking my punishment like you were born to do it made me harder than anything before. You've got no idea how much pleasure I get from seeing you like that."

Gavin's mind flutters with the realization that Ryan had liked last night as much as he had. Well, the evidence had been hard against his ass before he had impaled himself on it. But to think that he could please Ryan by doing the thing that came so naturally to him, submitting to Ryan, feels like pure electricity rushing through him. 

"Did that surprise you?" Ryan asks softly and Gavin nods, unable to form any intelligible words to convey how he feels. He's sure that Ryan might know it better than he does, the emotions within him swirling to an incomprehensible mess. "As much as you enjoy relinquishing the control to someone you trust I enjoy having the control. The realization I had when I saw you slip so easily into your subspace was pure euphoria. So believe me Gavin, I'll do everything I need to help you return to that feeling."

Gavin's speechless as he looks at Ryan, knowing he's speaking the truth. There's an intense rush of pleasure that runs through him at the promise. It's true, he wants to get back to that feeling, that peace and euphoria he experienced and there's no doubt in him that if anyone could do it, it's Ryan.

"I'd like to ask you about how you felt about the time after your release." Ryan continues as Gavin can't form words. 

"Our releases." Gavin correct him, his voice cracking a bit under the emotional mess within him. "I loved it."

"It's common that people experience a drop in their mood after they leave their subspace." Ryan explains further as if they were attending a lecture and he was the teacher. Gavin doesn't mind the thought, after all it's not all that far from the truth. "Aftercare is crucial to prevent a massive drop and everyone is different. The more intense the play, the more intense the drop. What we did yesterday was tame in comparison to other things, but as soon as I saw you enter that state I knew that you needed it. A bath is a common tactic, and I just wanted to let you have the chance to tell me what you might need, what you liked."

"I loved the bath." Gavin confesses. "I liked that you didn't remove the blindfold immediately, I loved you holding me, praising me and taking care of me."

"Did you miss anything?" Ryan presses on. "Water, something to eat, something to do?"

"I was very drowsy." Gavin confesses easily. "We could maybe try that, but I didn't miss it in the moment."

"Alright darling." Ryan agrees easily to Gavin's poorly veiled attempt to assure that they'll keep this going. "I'm very pleased with you and your openness to talk about this even though you told me you were uncomfortable at the start."

"I'll do anything you'll ask me." Gavin replies, barely remembering his discomfort at the start. Ryan has a way to make him long for that discomfort. 

"Careful with what you say." Ryan winks before laughing. Gavin's flushed with intense desire that flows like gold within him. "There's one last thing I wanted to ask you."

"Please." Gavin replies with an ease he's growing quite fond of. 

"I've given you tasks, homework of sort before." Ryan says as easily as if it was actual homework and not denying him his orgasms, teasing him relentlessly for a week. "Did you enjoy them?"

"In the moment not particularly." Gavin answers truthfully and earns an earnest laugh from Ryan. "But I understand that it's supposed to be like that. I can't deny the reward wasn’t amazing, and the sensation of being so highly aware of my arousal the entire time was intoxicating."

"I'll keep that in mind." Ryan says, downing the last of his cold coffee before looking at Gavin again. "I won't give you anything right now, I need you focused at work, but I've got things in mind for the future."

The notion of a future still excites Gavin beyond belief. Spending the night here had only made his resolve grow stronger. The thought of having to spend nights away from Ryan's warm body, his arms wrapped around him, the complete and utter trust he's grown for Ryan, feels terrible. 

"There's a future?" Gavin asks, empowered by the utter faith Ryan's placed in him this morning treating him as an equal. 

Ryan looks at Gavin for a second, the empty plates in front of him reminding them both of the time and the impending time they need to leave for work. Gavin doesn’t want to go. He wants to stay here, exploring Ryan's apartment and laying in bed with him, screaming himself hoarse for him.

The scrape of Ryan's chair on the floor fills the space as Ryan stands up and walks over to Gavin. All this time he's been restrained, respectful and completely in charge seemingly with ease. But as he stalks over to Gavin, Gavin's reminded of the night they met, those eyes intense and darker than sin, towering over him and Gavin's flushed with the intense urge to fall to his knees reverently. 

Ryan's hand is on the back of Gavin's neck, pulling him up into a crushing kiss. He's like steel against Gavin, his kiss tasting like coffee brewed on a campfire and Gavin's molten in his arms. He throws his arms around Ryan's neck, pulling him even closer, sighing into the kiss. Ryan's tongue is strong, knowing what it needs and Gavin's more than happy to let him have him. 

"My everything, if you think I'll ever let you go now, you're the most foolish man in the entire world." Ryan all but growls against Gavin's lips, his teeth tugging on Gavin's lip and Gavin's only held up by Ryan's grip on him. He's tumbling, he's falling, he's floating, he's everything and he's engulfed in his feelings for this man, this god who makes him weep and soar so impossibly high. 

Gavin's words fail him once more, he's sure he's never had words for the emotions within him as he soars higher, pulling Ryan tighter against him, desperate to taste him again as he's sure he'll never be satiated. Ryan's lips are almost bruising, the need in Gavin rampant and he's only sure about Ryan and that he never wants to let go, he'll die of oxygen deprivation with ease if Ryan just keeps kissing him like this, like he's holding his life in his arms. 

Ryan didn't share his fatalistic thoughts, breaking the kiss a hair shy from Gavin's swoon. His eyes are as bruising as his kiss, the possessiveness in them taking Gavin's breath away. He never wants Ryan to look away from him, never wants to be without this thrumming echo inside him at the sight of his utter devotion. 

"We'll be late." Ryan finally says, the intensity in his eyes never wavering. Gavin's aching and he's burning, and he doesn't want to go, he wants Ryan to throw these plates onto the floor and make Gavin ascend right on this table in front of the entire city. Ryan's eyes flash with the same hunger that grows within Gavin. "Fuck them all, we'll be late."

And all the gods in the sky answer Gavin's prayers as Ryan's arms grab him, pulling him into his lap with a passion that would make a weaker man crumble.

\---

To say Gavin's struggling to focus at work later that same day is an understatement. His jeans constantly brush against his ass which is still slightly tender from the night before as he stands in the large mission control room at the Site. The feed on the large screens at the front of the room are still dark as the mission to retrieve his encryption key from the CIA hasn't started yet. 

The larger distraction is Ryan, standing at the front talking to Trevor. No matter that he's come more times in the last 24 hours than he has in a while he's still electrified in just being the same room with him. Having screamed Ryan's name as a prayer mere six hours ago he's still aching for him and his intoxicating touch. 

He knows he should focus on the mission, he knows Ryan wants him to focus, he knows that the process with the key hangs on the successful retrieval of this encryption key and he should be alert for any trouble. He just can't keep his eyes off Ryan and the way the suit jacket sculpts his shoulders, imagining those shoulders rippling on top of him as he thrusts into him. 

"Focus." He mutters almost angrily to himself as he leans against the backwall, forcing his eyes to stay on the black screens on the wall. They're supposed to start any moment now and Gavin's desperate to have any distraction from the infuriating man in the room with him. 

He can't deny that he's soaring high and light. He's never felt like this before, like he's truly awake now. Ryan's presence feels like the strongest drug in the world and he's addicted hard. He feels electrified, energized even with his soreness and he's bursting with his hunger. He can't wait for the moment he can touch Ryan again, have him remove everything from Gavin, just allowing him float in his pleasure. 

God, he wants this mission to just be over already, he's bursting with his energy and he wants to let it out. 

"You seem tense Mr. Free." Ryan's smooth voice filters through him as he's startled on how Ryan managed to walk up to him without him knowing. "Something on your mind?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Haywood, it's nothing that would be appropriate for me to talk about with my boss." Gavin replies, hoping that his voice sounds as nonchalant as he aimed at. He glances at Ryan, not wanting to look at him outright in fear that his resolve will crumble, and he'll beg Ryan to take him right here and now, no matter who's watching.

"I see." Ryan replies, and he sees the dark mischief in his eyes as he walks past with one last remark. "I'll leave you to your thoughts then, I hope they'll be- satisfactory."

Goddamn that man will kill him. Gavin hopes the dimmer lighting in the back of the room hides the creeping blush on his face as he lingers on the way Ryan's lips moved as he spoke. Satisfactory. Gavin's sure anything involving Ryan will be satisfactory. 

The screens turn on and Gavin sees it with the corner of his eye, his focus on the retreating back of the man he worships. He forces himself to turn back to the screen and listen to the chatter on the radio. It takes him a while, but he's finally immersed in the mission, watching hawk like as Geoff and his squad moves through corridors, avoiding detection like he's watching a movie. 

Gavin casts a glance at Trevor who seems intent on monitoring Diaz, watching his face scrunch in worry as they watch the mission unfold. Thankfully Gavin's intel is solid, the practice they've gotten showing through as the squad make the extraction look as easy as walking down the road. Gavin releases a breath he didn't know he was holding as the squad retreat with the encryption key safely in Diaz's Pocket. He watches some color return to Trevor's face as they get the confirmation that they're all out and on their way back later that night. 

Gavin's phone buzzes in his pocket and as he casts a glance at a relieved Trevor he fishes it out of his pocket to be greeted with a message that makes him shiver in a room full of people congratulating each other. 

_"Ready for round two? Come to the office after work and I'll show you satisfactory."_


	8. XVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed last weeks update as I was out of town but here you guys go! Two chapters left, one of them has been drafted already but the last one is still untouched. I'll see if I manage to cram that in before the end of January but I'm feeling the beginnings of a flu hitting me so it's all in the air still. 
> 
> Thank you guys for your comments and love. You are my sun. ❤

As much as Gavin enjoys being shattered and rebuilt by Ryan's touch, with every aspect of Ryan, there's something utterly endearing in the way he traces small circles on Gavin's still cooling skin. He swears he can still feel the lingering aftershocks in his system, they only get magnified by the softness of his touch against his skin, making the hairs on his arm stand up in delight, in attention for Ryan's love. 

The sun is lazy in the sky and the light that pours into Ryan's bedroom is soft even though it must be quite late in the morning already. There's no rush, there's no urgency, just softness and the calming effect of Ryan's breath against his forehead as he lays draped over Ryan's chest. The beating of Ryan's heart is no longer deafening, no longer demanding as they both come down from their earlier activities. 

Gavin likes this. 

There's an edge of mystery to why he loves this so much, why this feels soul achingly familiar and like something his body and mind have been made to feel. It's nothing he's ever done before. Even before, even with Dan, there wasn't this kind of serenity inside him. Sex was just sex, there wasn't this lingering after joy inside him and there definitely wasn't any sort of lingering cuddling as their bodies cool. 

Gavin's lips twist into a smile, he suspects there's a twist of sorrow in it as he presses a soft kiss against Ryan's chest, tasting the saltiness of his sweat against his lips. There's a deep-rooted peace inside him as always after he's been made anew but there's something bothering him at the back of his mind. 

He pretends to not know why. He pretends to not remember remnants of his dreams. He doesn't understand why Dan's in them all the time, why now after all these years of not thinking of him. His chest aches, like prickles of a hedgehog running inside him as he pushes his doubts to the side as Ryan starts to hum. 

Gavin's heart aches with fondness as he listens, and feels, Ryan's humming fills the room. There's something so domestic about the simple gesture that it makes Gavin struggle to breathe. He feels guilty and he's not sure why. 

Gavin's never been much of an actor but lying has never been an issue for him. He's stared down authorities, he's stared down mobsters with a smile on his face and lies pouring out of his mouth like water. This time it's different. It's different with Ryan. As Ryan's question lingers around him, he forces the smile on his face and the happiness into his voice. Yes, there's nothing on his mind. Ryan's gaze feels like knives, but he eventually returns to making them breakfast. 

Gavin's not even sure how he's supposed to talk about this. He's got no words for the uneasiness inside him, there's nothing he could say. How do you even bring up these dreams, this feeling that something is going to break soon, how do you even bring up your ex. Gavin doesn't know, and he stays silent. 

It takes a while, all the breakfast and the time it takes for them to get dressed afterwards, for Gavin to gather all his unease and stuff it into a box without looking at it again. By the time he slips on his shoes he's deep in denial, the smile on his face more relaxed as he leans into Ryan's touch, kissing him and allowing himself to get lost in the feeling of Ryan's undivided attention on him. How on earth could he ever think of anything else than this god amongst men? 

"Where do you want to go?" Ryan asks with a curious tilt to his head. Gavin looks at him, wondering what he's getting at but there's nothing hidden in those eyes anymore. Gavin's floored by the intense honesty and openness in his eyes, those same eyes that make him melt in his arms, makes him kneel, makes him worship the ground he walks on. 

"What?" Gavin asks, swallowing hard, trying to escape the spell that his piercing blue eyes casts on him. They twinkle in tandem with the crooked smile on his face, the delight light and airy on his face. 

"Let's go somewhere. Anywhere. Where do you want to go?" Ryan continues and waits patiently as Gavin tries to sort his thoughts. He suspects that if he wanted to go to the moon Ryan would make it happen. But that's not what he wants, he wants something simpler. 

"Let's go to the shore." Gavin breathes his answer as if it's the most obvious truth in this universe. Ryan doesn't seem surprised, he seems delighted by his answer, like Gavin just answered correctly but not in the way Ryan expected. Gavin feels light inside, reaching for Ryan's hand as they walk towards the elevator. 

The sand on the shore is as light and smooth as Gavin feels on the inside as they drop down from the stone stairs onto the smooth sand. Gavin wastes no time and leans down to take off his shoes. The sand is warm under his feet, warming every inch of skin as they fall into a comfortable step on the mostly empty beach. 

Gavin leans against Ryan's arm, Ryan's fingers interlaced in Gavin's hand and Gavin's never felt this content. All the times with Ryan, all the times he thought that he had the answer to the oldest question in the world, somehow Ryan keeps reinventing the meaning of life. 

"You're sure this is okay?" Gavin asks after a while after a jogger runs past them, a fluffy dog running aside him with an ease Gavin envies. He casts a glance at Ryan who looks as handsome as ever in his sunglasses and a small smile on his face as he watches Gavin. Gavin's noticed that smile to be present almost every time he catches Ryan looking at him, the smile has a grip on Gavin's heart in a way he's not sure how he's supposed to describe. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean walking like this, so openly with you know, your work?" Gavin asks, slightly nervous about if he's even supposed to ask. Ryan's never been one to hide things from him, but Gavin has to admit that they rarely talk about Ryan's work. 

"Ah I see." Ryan replies with a soft chuckle that sounds like the sweetest melody in Gavin’s ears. "You're wondering if it's safe to be this vulnerable? Don't worry about that darling, I've kept my face off the radar for a reason. There's barely a handful of people outside the company that knows my face, and even if they would be foolish enough to try something, I'm sure I can handle them."

Gavin can't deny the rush that flushes through him at Ryan's cocky answer. He doesn't doubt it, Ryan seems like the kind of person that won't go down easy. And Gavin feels soothed by that thought, squeezing their interlaced hands tighter before turning to look at the sea glittering endlessly. 

Gavin can't think to a time when he didn't love the sea. Even when he was growing up, never seeing the ocean, never seeing anything bigger than ponds and rivers, the sea called out to him. And for a while it had been more magical than anything before, then the memory of stormy seas and the smell of fish haunted his nightmares for years. 

But now? Now, here with Ryan's warm body pressed against his arm, their fingers interlaced no matter how hot it is in the sun, here it's not remotely bad. The sea's calm, a slight breeze brushing over the glimmering surface. Gavin wonders if his skin looked as magical to Ryan when he's buried deep in him. The glimmering sea matches the fluttering inside him at the onslaught of memories fresh and old. 

"You look lost in thought." Ryan comments softly and Gavin looks at him. There's a comforting aura around him that makes him breathe easy. 

"Mm." Gavin hums, watching the sun reflect of the shiny metal on his wrist. His heart feels tight, he looks up at Ryan and decides. "Have you noticed that I've got a scar on my ribs?"

"The thin one?" Ryan ask and if Gavin wasn't so on edge on finally telling someone he'd be swooning over the fact that Ryan's noticed it and remembers it. 

"Yeah." Gavin nods. Ryan's eyes are sheilded by his sunglasses but they're still too intense and Gavin averts his gaze. "I was stabbed a while back."

Ryan doesn't say anything and Gavin realizes that it's exactly what he needs. His head is swimming, he's never told the full story to anybody before. Not even Michael. He told the bare minimum, thought he'd never need to talk about this. But Gavin can remember glimpses of Dan's face in his dreams in the past few weeks, it's been nagging at him at the back of his head. 

"I wasn't a good kid. Well, my family was more in the moral grey zone than purely good people. So I grew up with the thought that the law is flexible, not the holy text people think it is. It's only words on paper. I grew up with a boy next door, Dan. We got into loads of trouble, with the law and outside it."

Gavin remembers fondly the time they ran away from the farmer, stealing their first apples. The rush is still intense after all these years. He remembers the way the late summer sun warmed his sun-bleached hair as he and Dan hid in the forest and ate the sweetest apples ever grown. 

"We got into hacking and I realized that I had a talent. We both got better and better, poking our noses into every nook and cranny. Then we heard about the key, and we couldn't resist. There was an aura of having nothing to lose. It was hard, it was near impossible, but we got it."

Gavin can still feel his hands shaking as they had back then when he realized the weight of the numbers in his hands. He remembers the terror, he remembers the excitement. He remembers the expression on Dan's face in excruciating detail. 

"We had to run." Gavin continues, shaking his head slightly, wrapped up in the memories of the thrill and the rush of the fear that had filled him then. "We ran, we tried to make the key the best we could on this really crappy laptop. The police, the military, the government was after us. There was a lot of things to be afraid of but I didn't think I needed to worry about Dan."

Gavin's chest feels tight, there's a lump in his throat as he remembers how he thought the rift between them was because of him, of something he did. He remembers sleepy mornings, of a missing warmth in their shared bed. He remembers tension, he remembers the absence of lingering gazes and touches. 

"I later found out that he had a buyer, another man like you that had a say in everything in not only the UK but also the entirety of Europe. He had made a deal with Dan. Looking back I could see the ways things got tense between us, but I thought it was my fault. It culminated in a small harbor near Liverpool. They used to bring in fish there and it reeked of fish. The sea was dark, darker than anything I knew and before I knew it Dan had buried his knife in between my ribs."

Gavin feels Ryan's hand tighten around his own. Gavin's mind is tight, it's barely flashing the imagery he remembers. It's all a blur, he doesn’t remember much, he anchors himself to Ryan's tight grip on him to prevent him from disintegrating. 

"I don't remember much. I remember bits, I remember the coldness, I remember the scent of fish and the booming of waves hitting against the docks. I remember a woman helping me. I remember the scent of her stew. I remember confusion. Anger. Fear. Doubt."

Gavin can barely breathe as he remembers the emotions, so strong as if it happened today. He had figured they would've gotten milder, but no. He's floored by the strength of them. 

"I ended up here. Trying to forget it all happened." Gavin tries to lighten his tone. He figures he doesn't succeed in it, the cheerfulness of the abrupt ending feeling artificial in his mouth. He wasn't prepared on how strongly it still affected him even after all these years and all the distance between them. 

He hadn't even thought about Dan in years, the voice in his head always threatening him with these memories. He hoped it would feel better to tell someone, but he feels the same as he had before. He's still glad he told Ryan, he wants to share everything with him. He wants him to understand, he wants to be good for him. He wants to communicate more. 

"And I pulled you back." Ryan whispers, his voice heavy with emotion and Gavin's speechless under the wave of guilt that laces Ryan's voice. "Gavin, god I didn't know-"

"It's alright." Gavin hurries to assure, stopping and facing Ryan. He raises his hands to cup Ryan's face and looks into Ryan's eyes. "I couldn't keep running. You showed me another chance, you showed me that I wasn't alone. You've taught me that I'm never alone, you've supported me, you've given me more than infinity. You're my everything Ryan."

Ryan's silent, Gavin's heart hammering wildly in his chest as they just look at each other. The sea hums behind Gavin's back, an eternity passes. Ryan's lips crashes against Gavin’s, brimming with emotions too strong to even have names. Gavin's standing firm, Ryan's standing firm, embraced in the flow of their feelings for each other. 

"You're my everything darling." Ryan replies, his voice still burdened with emotions but it's not guilted this time, it's love. "I'll never leave you."

"I know." Gavin whispers. "Because if you do, I'll die."

Ryan doesn't answer, just brushes their interlaced hands against Gavin's cheek and Gavin can't help the reflex to lean into his touch. 

"I had a dog." Ryan suddenly says and the look in his eyes is intense as he seems to see through Gavin. There's a salty taste in Gavin's mouth as the wind picks up. A part of his brain is laughing at the clichéd moment around them, but a much larger part of him is stuttering in time with his heartbeat. 

"A dog?" Gavin says, his voice wavering with emotion, no emotions in such flocks that he doesn't even know where to begin decoding them. 

"Lucky." Ryan smiles, a wonderful smile so genuine and still so somber as the grip on Gavin's hand gets tighter and yet not tight enough. "I know, I know, not a very original name. But I loved him, such a beautiful dog. I was eight when he died."

"I'm sorry." Gavin breathes knowing fully that he means it from the bottom of his heart. 

"Don't be." Ryan says, pulling their interlocked hands away from Gavin's cheek and presses a soft, softer than the cotton clouds above them, tender kiss on Gavin's knuckles before dropping their hands and tugging Gavin to walk with him. Gavin's feet feel suddenly so much heavier and the sand on the paved path crunches underneath their feet. "He was old, and we gave him a happy life. He was a rescue and we gave him everything he hadn't had before."

"That's nice." Gavin says rubbing his thumb against Ryan's hand. Ryan casts him a look that seems to mirror the mess inside of Gavin. He doesn't know how to label it. He just knows that it's stronger than anything he's ever felt before. He aches for a dog he's never even met before, and he wants to laugh at it all. But he doesn’t. 

"I didn't have a very stable or normal childhood by most standards." Ryan chuckles after a while and the ache inside Gavin grows. "My home wasn't violent. No, it was distant, or sharp I guess."

"Your parents-?" Gavin asks, suddenly aware of how loud his voice is as he traces the silhouette of Ryan's face as Ryan looks over the beach. 

"They weren't around much. Just me and Lucky." Ryan shrugs, and Gavin can feel the struggle inside Ryan. It pulses out of him in waves, suffocating Gavin in the knowledge that this is the first time Ryan's told anyone this. He can feel it in his bones, he can see the struggle and he's floored with the realization that Ryan's sharing because he wants to. 

"My parents were successful, I guess. Never really knew them, only heard about them. But I wouldn't be here without them, because they taught me the value of persistence and knowledge. I don't think they knew what they were building inside me, and I highly doubt that they'd be proud of me now. But that doesn’t matter anymore, I left that resentment behind me years ago."

"Where are they now?" Gavin asks, slowing down and tugging Ryan down on a wooden bench just underneath a tall tree shading them from the skies above. Ryan sits down, their legs touching as Gavin pulls their interlocked hands into his lap and traces the lines on Ryan's palm with a determination, he's unsure of where it came from. 

"Don't know." Ryan shrugs. "I stopped looking after a while, and they've made no contact."

"Are they alive?" Gavin whispers, his eyes glued to Ryan's piercing eyes, the palm forgotten in his lap. 

"Yeah I think so." Ryan replies, his gaze looking for something in Gavin's eyes. "I would've heard otherwise by now."

The silence that stretches out between them is heavy but not uncomfortable. Gavin returns his attention to Ryan's hand and traces the lines and the marks of a tough life has left on his skin. 

Ryan throws his arm around Gavin and presents him his other hand, just so that he can pull Gavin against his side and press a kiss on the top of Gavin's head. Gavin's sure that he could stay like this forever, and he'd do anything to try it. Ryan's arm around him is comforting in a way few things in his life has been and the warmth of the hand in his grasp is soothing in a way he can't put words to. 

He suspects that Ryan's got more story to tell him, but Gavin's in no rush. There's no rush with anything between them and Gavin's sure he'll wait until the world ends just to hear a bit more. But he's not going to pull it out of him. He knows firsthand how painful memories can be and he's just pleased that Ryan's comfortable with him to tell him these things. 

"I've always wanted a cat." Gavin says suddenly, his eyes watching a flock of birds land on the soft sand between them and the sea. 

"Oh really?" Ryan murmurs into his hair and Gavin feels his warm breath envelope him in a blanket of sorts. 

"Yeah." Gavin relaxes further into the comfort of Ryan's presence. "We had this fat orange cat when I was still at home. He was kind of an asshole, but I loved him. I miss him some days."

"All cats are assholes." Ryan mutters but Gavin hears no true animosity. "Have you checked with your apartment if that's possible?"

"Yeah, no pets allowed." Gavin sighs. 

They stay silent for a while. Ryan's tracing those same patterns on his arm that he draws when they're naked in bed and somehow that connection makes Gavin's brain short-circuit so much that he misses what Ryan said. 

"I said that I know a delightful cat cafe in Seoul. I think I remember there being talks of a racoon cafe there as well."

"Seoul's a bit far." Gavin laughs and he can feel Ryan's chuckle reverberate against him. 

"Darling, I've got the means." Ryan replies when they fall silent. "Just say the word and I'll take you to Seoul, I'll take you to the moon if you want."

Gavin's breathless with the weight of Ryan's words on him and he knows them to be true. He nods, grasping Ryan's hand again. 

"You been to Seoul?"

"A few times." Ryan replies. "Mostly on business though, it's a beautiful city at night but far too busy for my personal taste in vacation spots. I had one of the best meals of my life there though, there was this small restaurant that my translator knew and my god I still have dreams of that place. I'll take you there on the way to the cat cafe."

"Do you have any vacation spots then?" Gavin asks with genuine interest. 

"There's the Pacific Ocean of course but most of my spots have been slowly devoured by tourists by now. I still got a few places in mind. Places with private beaches and whole islands where I could devour you with the walls open to the world-"

Gavin's skin feels hotter than before and he's drawn to Ryan's face only to find it looking somewhere else as his words falter. 

"-There's someone watching us." Ryan's words halt as his eyes are locked on someone. Gavin tears his eyes away from Ryan to see who has captivated his attention so much and what he sees makes him freeze. 

A few hundred feet from them Gavin can see two people and even from this distance he can clearly recognize them. He's walked with them, he's run away from police with them, he swears he could recognize Michael and Lindsay from a crowd of thousands. 

Gavin doesn't know what to do. It seems like neither do they. 

Gavin can't stop looking at Michael, who can't seem to stop looking at him. Gavin's insides are dancing wildly, making him nauseous beyond belief and he's sweating in the shade as he wants to stay, and he wants to run away. 

"Gavin, you alright?" Ryan asks beside him and Gavin opens his mouth to answer him, he should answer him, he should tell him, make him do something, but he can't. The words are simply not there, and he sees Lindsay push Michael towards them. 

Gavin's glued to his seat, fearing the worst and hoping for the best as the two of them walk closer and closer and now they're so close that Gavin can see Michael's freckles in the sun and how he's missed that stupid face of his, but his insides are still trying to run away. 

Gavin can feel Ryan tense beside him, and he grabs Ryan's hand tighter trying to reassure him that it was alright even though he didn't know it himself. He sees Michael's eyes flicker from the movement of their hands to Ryan's face and then back to Gavin. 

The world is still and silent and Gavin's insides are liquid, and he wants to throw up and Michael's shifting his weight on his feet and god he should just say something to make this alright-

"I'm sorry-"

"I'm sorry-"

The world stops for a while as they look at each other in stunned silence after their mutual and instantaneous bursts. Michael's eyes have always betrayed him, and they do now also, Gavin can see the flicker of hope and it calms something inside him. 

"I'll go first." Michael says, the corners of his mouth twitching up ever so slightly. "I'm sorry for being a huge fucking asshole and saying all those things to you. I didn't mean it, I guess I was just annoyed at you for not telling me earlier and because I care for your stupid ass way too much."

Gavin looks at him for a while, sensing that all eyes are on him and he can't stop the smile forming on his face. 

"Well I'm sorry for being a twat about it and also being a baby about the entire thing. I should've told you, and I'm sorry if I've caused you worry."

Michael looks like he's always looked and for the first time in a long while Gavin actually stops to apricate him. The man who gave him a second chance, his best friend and partner in crime, now the parent of a cat and the partner to Lindsay. 

Gavin casts Lindsay a look and she looks thrilled. He can see the traces of worry on her face, but she's beaming at the two of them like they've done something amazing. 

"Can you please stop looking at us like that?" Michael huffs as he closes his eyes in frustration at his wife. Gavin's happiness bubbles inside him as he's shared the same thought with him, and he just knows things are back to normal. "We've not preformed lifesaving surgery."

"Aw but you guys are so cute." Lindsay coos and laughs when she sidesteps Michael's hand. 

"So I'm assuming this is Michael and Lindsay?" Ryan asks after a moment of silence and the tension steps up once more. Gavin had forgotten about Ryan for a second there and now he's more than aware of the odd situation he's in. 

"You assume correctly." Michael says and Gavin hears the sharpness in his voice as he looks down at Ryan who's still sitting. Ryan on the other hand seems just mildly amused about the entire thing and Gavin's heart stutters a bit at the sight of his crooked smile. 

"Ryan Haywood." Ryan says, extending his hand that Michael accepts after a few seconds of tense silence. "Nice to meet you."

"That remains to be seen." Michael replies and Ryan laughs out loud, one of his true genuine laughs that seems to throw Michael of balance. 

"I guess so." Ryan's voice is light with amusement as they break apart. "I've heard so much about you but judging by the words shared here today and what I've heard from Gavin, you might not know as much about me."

"That's right." Michael says, his shoulders relaxing slightly as he still looks wearily at Ryan. 

"Well any friend of Gavin's is a friend of mine, so if you want to ask me questions, I'll make myself available for you."

Michael doesn’t seem to know what to say so he just nods. Gavin watches perplexed as Ryan stands up and shakes Michael's hand once more and extends it to Lindsay who just laughs and embraces Ryan. Gavin can't help the laugh that bubbles out as he looks at the expression on Michael's face. 

"I'm just so happy to meet you Ryan." Lindsay says with a beaming smile. "I've been dying to meet the person that makes our Gavin so happy."

And those few words make Gavin feel lighter than he has felt in a while. He can't help but to suffocate in his happiness as he watches the way Ryan's eyes crinkle with his laugh as Lindsay refuses to let go of him, to the look on Michael's face that is both a bit worried but also oh so relieved. 

Gavin stands up from the bench and walks to stand by Michael as they watch as Ryan tries to pry Lindsay off of him. 

"They seem to get along." Michael mumbles to Gavin as they stand side by side again. "You alright?"

"Better." Gavin replies and feels like in a long while everything is just as right as it's supposed to be. 

He should've guessed that things rarely stay still like that. He should've known better. 


	9. XVIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end now boys! Only this chapter and 1 more until this story is wrapped up. I'm feeling super sentimental and beyond grateful for your love. You really are my ❤! 
> 
> It might take a few weeks for me to finish the last chapter, it's fighting me fiercely at the moment but don't worry, it'll be here soon.

Like all things in life, the turning point doesn't announce itself. It doesn't forebode itself the weeks before it tumbles over one and destroys the bastions of peace that once held its place. 

It doesn't announce itself the weeks after he made peace with Michael and Lindsay. Things between them had returned to relative normalcy since they talked, even though Gavin can still feel the remnants of the hurt linger within him. He doesn't hold it against them, or himself for that matter, long ago learning that emotions are not bad or good in their cores. They just are. So Gavin finds peace in the moments of laughter together at Michael's place, or the mischievous glint in Lindsay's eyes as she listens to Ryan as he tells her about some of the chaos he's responsible for. 

He finds peace in the way Ryan's eyes glimmer with happiness and profound fondness as he looks at Gavin laughing, the way his eyes darken when the doors close behind them, the way his teeth graze over Gavin's shoulder blade. 

Gavin's moans echo in the dimly lit room, Ryan's presence behind him comforting and arousing as he can feel his lips trace the curves of his bare shoulder blades. Gavin's fingers entangle themselves into the soft texture of the throw that's slung over Ryan's bed. 

It's been a long day of working, a long day of Ryan's increasingly filthy text messages, a long ride over to Ryan's place. Ryan's hands had been soft and tender, sensual as he removed Gavin's clothes one by one before guiding him to be on his stomach on the bed. The butterflies that grew in his stomach haven't left, they only grew stronger as he heard Ryan's clothes drop to the floor, when he first touched Gavin's skin making him shudder. 

"Ryan-" Gavin whispers, broken already and Ryan haven't even moved from his back. Ryan shushes him, placing kisses and grazing his teeth against Gavin's skin making him shudder. 

"Just enjoy yourself." Ryan whispers, his hands trailing fire and shivers down Gavin's sides as they move gently over his ribs, Ryan's thighs burning through Gavin's thighs as he hovers above him, intent on covering every inch of Gavin's body with his adoration. 

Gavin's answer melts from his mind as Ryan's lips connect with the back of Gavin's neck. He's so close, Gavin can feel his nose brush against Gavin's ear as his hands move to Gavin's arms, gently moving them above Gavin's head. Gavin's not opposed to this at all, he's already hard against the sheets. 

The scent of Ryan is overwhelming as Gavin tries to wiggle his ass, desperate to feel Ryan's weight on top of him, smothering him as it should be. He can feel Ryan smile against his skin, the bare hint of teeth against his skin making him itch with desire. 

"Please-" Gavin breathes into the pillow, barely audible but Ryan knows. Gavin can always count on that. "Sir-"

"I've got you darling." Ryan replies, one of his hands moving up and up, until he tangles his fingers into Gavin's hair, pulling just tightly enough to make Gavin's body shudder with desire. "Did you do as I asked?" 

"Always-" Gavin's moan interrupts his thoughts as he can finally feel Ryan's hardness against his ass. "Just for you sir."

"Good pet." Ryan praises him, his free hand moving to Gavin's ass, finally letting most of his weight on Gavin and he's overwhelmed by the contact and the memories of him fulfilling Ryan's order in the bathroom at work. 

Ryan's fingers brush against the plug that's nestled between Gavin's cheeks and Gavin bites his tongue as a jolt of pleasure shoots up him, a garbled mess escaping his mouth. He remembers his fingers inside him, the wetness of the lube that he had found in his backpack with the plug that Ryan had left for him. He remembers biting his hand as he opened himself up, he remembers having to fight the urge to come as he hadn't been allowed to do so, he remembers the feeling of the plug sliding inside him, he remembers the feeling of resuming work for the afternoon, he remembers it all and now as Ryan's moving the plug so slowly he can feel it all as well. 

"Such a good pet." Ryan mumbles in his ear as Gavin's grip on the sheets tighten as he feels the emptiness overwhelm him as he feels Ryan chuck the plug off the bed. He's so empty, he's been so full and so tense the entire day and he knows what's coming, he knows it and he yearns for it, it feels like an eternity before Ryan slides into him, just toying the line of being too intense and Gavin can't help but to throw his head back and vocalize the feeling of his entire being just molding together like it should be, like he's meant to exist in this state. 

Ryan grabs Gavin's hips, lifting them slightly and air hits Gavin's cock for the first time since he laid down and Gavin swears he can stay like this forever, Ryan's cock filling him so well like it's meant to be, his ass held up by his strong hands, his hair matted to his forehead already, his iron grip on the sheets. 

Ryan starts to move, quickly picking up the pace and slamming into Gavin, hitting him just right, making Gavin blank on everything around him. There's only the fire raging inside him, the feeling of Ryan pounding into him like he's been craving the entire day, the feeling of his breath stuttering in his chest because he's just so full and so complete and he thinks he might be crying or praying or chanting.

Ryan's hand reaches up and grabs Gavin's hair, pulling his head back, curving his spine and Gavin doesn't care about anything else than the electricity that runs through him at this new angle. He can feel spit on his cheeks, he knows the sheets will be wet with his pants and need. 

"You take me so well pet." Ryan praises, his voice rumbling behind Gavin and Gavin's forgotten all his words, so his answer is mostly whining and broken moans as he can feel his release clambering inside him, his walls feeling like they're crumbling into embers, his soul shimmering in the glow, his being shining and shimmering as it should've been years ago. 

His scream at his release is more of a wail than ever before and the burn of Ryan continuing behind him fuels him to press back against him, screaming internally at him to just take and take and take, just consume him. And he does, his grip iron on his hips, snapping almost violently against his hips and Gavin's teetering against overstimulation and his breath stutters as he can see glimpses of Ryan's face, finally twisting in pleasure and Gavin feels him spill into him. 

They both collapse on the bed, sweaty limbs sticking together with sweat and cum and it's perfect in every way. Gavin buries his face into Ryan's heaving chest to escape the rays of the setting sun that threaten to burn him up. 

It might be an eternity that they stay like that, ignoring everything else than each other. At some point Gavin's sure he falls asleep for a moment, waking up to a blanket wrapped around them tightly, some of the cum wiped away from their bodies. Ryan's breath is even, but he's not asleep but instead tracing shapes into Gavin's back. 

Gavin's met with shimmering eyes as he looks up and he's floored by the utter devotion in Ryan's eyes. He's hit with the knowledge that someday they'll destroy each other, maybe tangled up like this and with that same devotion burning scars into their bodies. 

But like this, overwhelmed only slightly by their doomed existence, like this? Gavin smiles, pressing a kiss against Ryan's lips, savoring the remnants of salt on his skin. He's in no rush, even though he can hear a message drop into one of their phones. He's in no rush nowhere. Everything he'll die for is in this room. He's safe, even though he knows the end. 

The sun sets slowly, their kisses sloppy and tired at this point, but their grip on each other as strong as the first time. Gavin doesn't want to get up, but finally he has to concede to the need to go clean up. 

Ryan's laying back against the pillows, the blanket barely covering him as Gavin climbs over him. The air outside the blanket is colder, and Gavin's shivering as he pats over to the bathroom. He doesn't know why, but he sees a screen light up at the corner of his eye and he stops. 

Later he wonders if he should've just kept going. 

He steers towards the dresser where he threw his phone on their way in. There's a missed call displayed on his screen. A number he doesn't recognize. Gavin frowns slightly, opening the message that same number sent him. 

There’re moments in one’s life one remembers forever. For Gavin this will be one of them, he can feel it in his bones, his bones that feel like they're breaking into dust as he reads the four words in front of him. His brain is freezing, it's not processing them, he can't breathe, and he feels his hand reach out to the dresser, his grip crushing as suddenly Ryan's there, his eyes wide and worried. 

"Gavin." Ryan's voice feels like it's so far away, Gavin's barely noticing anything else than the dread that floods him like a surge wave drowning everything else. Suffocating everything he ever thought and felt. Ryan's chest is pressed against his cheek, his arms around him, but Gavin can't remember how they got like that. 

All Gavin can remember is the cold tarmac of the harbor all those years ago. All he can remember is a seagull flying over him, the coldness, the coldness that burns, the stickiness of blood seeping out of him. He replays those five seconds, those five seconds when Dan's face twisted, changed, when he lunged. The ground, the seagull, the blood. Dan's face twisting, changing, lunging. 

He doesn’t know when he started crying, he doesn't know when the phone fell from his hands, when they sat down on the ground. He feels them all now, the floor against his body, the warmth of Ryan's chest, the wetness of his tears between them. He feels the burn in his eyes, the burn in his lungs, the burn of the scar feeling like it's been branded onto his skin. 

"…I've got you darling, I'm here, you're safe here darling…" Ryan's voice breaks through and he hiccups as he lifts his head to look at Ryan. He sees fear, he sees love, he sees something he can't name as he looks into Ryan's eyes. He doesn't know what his eyes are betraying him, he doesn't know what Ryan can see but all he knows is that he's terrified. 

"Gavin?" Ryan asks wiping away tears from his cheeks, cupping his face in his hands. "Tell me what's wrong darling, please let me help you."

"You can't." Gavin whispers, Ryan can't help him through the pain inside him. 

"Let me try." Ryan whispers back and Gavin's heart shatters at the devastation that colors his words. 

Gavin looks and looks, not sure if he sees, if he thinks. He needs Ryan, he craves Ryan, he wants Ryan to make this disappear. He wants and he wants but he's afraid. What if he only takes and takes. But Ryan's eyes are so intent, his emotions rarely this visible. He's torn. 

He reaches over, brushes his fingers over his phone and opens the message again. He can't look at it, his chest tight already as he turns the screen to face Ryan. Ryan's eyes stay on him for a while, before flickering down to read the message. Gavin's so cold. There's a seagull, there's blood-

"'Need to talk. B'. What does this mean Gavin?" Ryan reads, his eyes flickering back to Gavin. "Who's this?"

And Gavin tells him. He tells him about Dan. He tells it all, his voice stable as he recounts their efforts to find the key, their getaway and the way they loved each other. He tells about that day. The day at the harbor, the way he stood there, confused and worried about Dan. Twist, change, lunge, cold, seagull, blood. Cold, cold, cold. He can't look at Ryan, he looks at the darkening city beyond the windows, he sees the clear cold skies, feels the tarmac under him, he smells the blood. 

Ryan's silent. Gavin trembles. He doesn't know why. 

Ryan's silent. Gavin feels the first lick of fear. He knows why. 

Ryan's arms tighten around him, pressing him back against Ryan's chest, and Ryan's not silent. 

"I'm going to kill that motherfucker." Ryan growls, his voice rumbling through Gavin, breaking the spell. "I'm going to feed him to wild animals, that piece of-"

"Hey." Gavin interrupts him, placing a hand on Ryan's chest and looking up to see the murderous cloud swirling in Ryan's eyes he's heard rumors about but never actually seen himself. He understands the rumors now. Better than ever before. And while the idea of never having to deal with Dan anymore sounds appealing, he knows he'll never find peace if he doesn't. 

Ryan calms a bit, looking at Gavin before sighing. "I know."

Gavin brushes his hand against Ryan's cheek, smiling at the way Ryan leans into his touch. He types a quick message back to Dan, barely having sent it before he answers with his location. 

"Will you come with me?" Gavin asks. 

"To the end of the earth." Ryan replies and smiles at him, tugging them both up from the floor. 

\--------

 

Gavin laughs. 

He should've fucking known. 

The air around them is humid, the salt of the sea lingering in his mouth as he stands outside Ryan's car. He hears Ryan walk around the car, stopping beside him. 

"The harbor? Really?" Gavin can hear the distaste in Ryan's voice, and he laughs again. Of course it's the harbor. 

Gavin glances at Ryan, dressed in his long black coat, his eyes sharper than a razor blade as he watches their surroundings. Gavin knows there's at least three weapons on Ryan, that's as many as he counted before they left but knowing Ryan there's at least five more. Somehow that makes him feel comforted. He wonders what his mother would think about that. 

The harbor around them is quiet. It's late, barely three am on a weekday, and this is the smaller one of the three harbors in town. To be honest, Gavin didn't even know this place existed. Count on Dan to find the decrepit harbors wherever he goes. 

Gavin's glad it's dark. He can't see the seagulls, but he can hear them, and his heart is too old for this. He feels weighed down and as he tries to breathe, he can feel Ryan's hand grab a hold of his. Anchoring him. He laughs. 

If someone had told him years ago that he'd be in a harbor waiting on Dan to show up he would've laughed. To be honest, he hadn't thought much about Dan and where he ended up since he felt Dan's knife slice him open and he left him to bleed out on the cold tarmac. 

He finds himself oddly calm at the face of a situation like this. What can you do, what are you supposed to feel when you’re going to meet the person who destroyed you? As much as he wants to hate dan he’s not sure if he does. Hates what he did, that’s a given, but hate Dan? 

He remembers how Dan used to smile at puppies. How he hates eggplant more than a normal person should. He remembers how warm his hands were, how he worried about the grandma running a store alone in a remote village in Wales when they were hiding. 

He remembers. Twist, change, lunge. 

His hand finds his side without him knowing it. His fingers brush against the shirt he threw on, Ryan’s judging by the size. It still smells like him, no like them. 

Gavin doesn’t feel like laughing anymore. 

His grip on Ryan’s hand is bruising, like he’s afraid even he’ll leave him. Leave him like Dan did, like everyone has left him. This time Gavin will make sure he dies. No more suffering. 

“I’m here. I’m not leaving.” Ryan says, squeezing Gavin’s hand like if that’ll make things okay. Gavin hates that it works if only for a bit. 

Gavin bites his lip, chewing it without thinking about it. He hates this. He’s suddenly flushed with irritation, why here and why now? Why couldn’t Dan just left him alone, let him be after all he put him through.

There’s a shadow moving in the distance and Gavin feels the air around Ryan spark with energy. Gavin brushes his thumb over Ryan’s hand, trying to calm himself more than Ryan. 

The first thing Gavin notices about Dan is that he looks so much like Dan that it hurts. He walks the same, his hands brushing against the sides of his thighs like they had since they were kids and Dan's arms grew out during one hot summer. 

But at the same time, he doesn’t quite look like Dan. There’s something off with him, his skin a shade paler than he remembers. 

“Who’s this?” Dan asks and Gavin bites down on his lip to keep his whimper down. He had forgotten what Dan's voice sounds like but like this, with the salty wind and a seagull’s screech in the background, he remembers too much. 

“Your worst nightmare.” Ryan replies and Gavin knows that he’s been itching to say that for a while. But with Ryan Gavin knows he’s not even exaggerating. 

Dan doesn’t look frightened, just confused as he tilts his head ever so slightly as he looks at them. His eyes flicker to their joined hands. 

“My replacement?” Dan asks but Gavin doesn’t hear bitterness in his voice. He thinks he hears regret but that can’t be right. 

“Why are you here Dan?” Gavin asks, his voice sounding braver than his galloping heart tells him. 

Dan shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets. Gavin sees the tremor in them, pursing his lips as he stares at the man who was his everything and who took his everything.

"Maybe I just wanted to see you again."

Gavin stares at him for a while. His breath feels tight in his chest as he looks at the man in front of him. He'd be lying if he'd say he wasn't upset. All these years of running had done nothing to the ache between his ribs, his chest that’s filled with anger and unresolved feelings. 

He had heard that bottling up emotions is a bad idea. Here, standing in front of the man he used to love, saw a future even if it was fleeting and bleak, he's suddenly reminded of it all. There's something in his throat and his grip on Ryan's hand tightens. 

"Spit it out Dan." Gavin manages to say, surprised at how even his voice sounds when his hands are shaking, and his heart threatens to leap out of his chest. He sees Dan sigh, deflate even more. 

It's odd now that Gavin thinks about it. Ignores the ache inside him and looks properly at Dan. There's something wrong, and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He casts a glance at Ryan, who's eyes seem glued to Dan, looking at him intently. He sees it too. 

"Look B." Dan sighs, scuffing his boot against the weathered pavement. He seems to struggle with words for a while, but Gavin's not in a rush to interrupt him yet. He's desperate to know what he's here for. "I'm sorry."

"If that's what you're here for then thanks. Bye." Gavin bites out, his fingers itching to touch his side. The scar seems tighter now, his worry about Dan morphing back into a more manageable anger over his betrayal. 

"Gavin, just-" Dan grimaces. "I didn't want to do it. I know you'll never believe me if I'll say it was for your protection-"

"Well you're correct on one point."

"Just listen, please." Dan pleads and Gavin stays silent, biting the inside of his cheek. "We attracted unwanted attention. More than usual."

Gavin tilts his head, trying to find deception in Dan's eyes but finding nothing. 

"When we managed to make the key, no even before it. When we stole the key and ran, remember back when we were in Cambridge and I went out for food?"

Gavin remembers the day. Dan had been out later than he had expected and had been worried sick. But Dan had returned, dripping wet from the rain and with a bag of Chinese food, and had assured him that nothing was wrong. 

"On my way back from the shop I was ambushed. There were too many of them, and they were too aware of what we had stolen to be any amateur gang. They weren't locals, maybe from the mainland but the important part? They knew our families, they knew everything that mattered."

"So you flipped?" Gavin says, unimpressed to most but he sees Ryan's gaze on him from the corner of his eye. "That easy?"

"I'm not making excuses. I made a choice, and I know that you won't understand even if I stood here for a day explaining it. It seemed so easy in the beginning. Just tell them what we were up to and they'd stay away from our families."

Dan looks upset, his hands pressing deeper into his pockets as the wind picks up around them. Gavin hates how alike this situation is to the previous time they saw each other. 

"But then you stabbed me."

"But then I stabbed you." Dan winces. "I'm so sorry, but they had things hanging above my head. I had no choice."

Gavin's breath got caught up in his throat. No choice. His mind spun in spirals, trying to separate this moment from the past, trying not to yell, to cry, to punch Dan in his stupid face. 

"But that's not all I'm here for." Dan says, looking serious as he looks between Gavin and Ryan. "I wanted to apologize but also warn you. I owe you so much more than this but consider this a part of it."

"Warn us of what?" Ryan asks, his deep voice rumbling beside Gavin and grounding him to the moment. No Ryan in the past, this has to be the present. Seagulls screech above them. 

"They're coming. They know Gavin's alive."

"Do they know anything else?" Ryan asks as Gavin's brain struggles to keep up. They? Who are they? How do they even know about him anymore? He's stayed off all lists, all registries, he's invisible especially now that he's with Ryan. 

He's barely aware of the discussion happening in front of him as he thinks. He doesn't know what to think, his brain a mess of memories and fear. He remembers bits of terror from the past, when they were running and almost caught, he remembers the scent of sea and blood. He remembers running and running and hurting and-

And he can't do it anymore. He can't run anymore. He was finally happy, finally at peace with Ryan.

Ryan.

"-take care of it. Thank you for telling us." Ryan's sentence ends as Gavin looks up at him. There's a seriousness in him that he's never seen before, a terror masked behind determination and anger. 

"I'll trust you. Thank you." Dan says, Gavin's head whipping around to look at him. Time stands still around them as Gavin hangs on to Ryan's hand and stares into Dan's eyes. 

"What about you?" Ryan asks, as he's pulling out his phone. 

"Don't worry about me. They won't find me before it's too late." Dan says, a bittersweet smile on his face. 

Gavin's mind suddenly flashes back to when they were kids. Barely tall enough to reach the kitchen counters. He remembers bright overalls, Dan's smile as he picked up the family cat that weighed probably more than Dan did and looked utterly fed up with being held. He remembers giggling as they tracked mud throughout the house looking for a ball to play with. 

"You're sick, aren't you?" Gavin whispers, feeling like the bottom of his stomach dropped a few miles. 

Dan just nods, looking sadder than before and Gavin's heart breaks a bit even if he feels torn about their history. He doesn't think that he'll ever forgive Dan for not telling him, for stabbing him, for dropping in like this to bring him even more shit to deal with. 

But he loved him so much back then. He grew up with him. He experienced so much with him, and for so long he couldn't imagine a life without him. And even now, years of living ignoring that he's alive, even now he doesn't manage to think about a life, a world where he's not there. 

"How long?" Gavin asks, his voice barely there and emotions blocking his airway. His chest is too tight, he's suffocating. 

"Not long." Dan smiles, but Gavin sees the sadness in his eyes. "I truly am sorry Gavin. I never thought it would end like this."

"Where will you go?"

"Don't worry about me. Worry about yourself. Look Gav-"

"Please don't."

"When I'm gone, you have to look out after yourself. I can't look out for your back."

"Dan-"

"And please don't get caught up in stupid shit like this again and remember to live. To live Gavin, to live like we thought we would someday. So, when you're standing in my boots, you know you've got no regrets like I do."

Gavin stays silent. It's hurts too much to talk. He holds up his pinky, ignoring the way it shakes. Dan smiles, remembering the times when they were kids and did this with the most mundane things. He holds up his own pinky and a part of Gavin breaks. 

They stand like that for a few moments, Gavin allowing himself to grief even for a moment, before Dan lowers his pinky, pushing his hands back into his pockets. 

"We should be going. Good luck, you've chosen well Gavin." Dan smiles, this time his smile actually looking happier than any of his previous ones. 

"Thank you." Ryan speaks up, nodding at Dan. "I'll owe you one."

"No, we'll all be even now."

Ryan doesn't say anything, and Gavin doesn't have words left so they just watch Dan look at them for one more time before turning around and walking away from them. The wind around them picks up, the screeching of seagulls and the smell of salt mixing together with pain yet again inside Gavin. 

As Dan disappears and Gavin's heart continues to struggle, Ryan turns around and pulls Gavin into his arms. The scent of Ryan's aftershave, mixed with his warmth that radiates through his clothes comforts Gavin and he hiccups as the first tears start to run down his cheeks. Ryan hugs him closer, humming a song as Gavin clings on to him like to a life raft out at sea. 

He has no concept of time, no idea when his tears run dry and his breathing turns normal. Ryan pulls away, cupping his face and wiping away the stripes on his cheeks left behind by his tears. 

"We have to go back home." Ryan says, his eyes darting around Gavin's face. "We have a lot of work to do."

Gavin manages to think that there's always a lot of work when it comes to Dan, before he's pulled back into the car and driven away from the harbor. He doesn’t think he wants to return to any harbor anytime soon. More like ever. 

\-----

There's a frenzy of action as Ryan and Gavin get back to his office. Gavin sits by the large windows on the couch as people rush around him. He feels oddly disconnected to them as he looks out at the sun glimmering against the steel and glass of the building next to them. 

Seeing Dan had worn him down. He clasps his hands tightly to prevent the tremor he fears will be there. He feels like his entire skeleton is on the move, shifting him slightly and twisting his guts so hard it's difficult to breathe. 

There are questions in his mind, there's a hint of worry that scares him, because he knows he should be more scared than he is. He can't tear his eyes away from the windows, he can't make himself care. 

He realizes with a jolt that he's mourning already. He doesn't know what he's mourning, there seems to be too many possibilities. So many dead ends that ache within him. He's mourning all of them, the loss of Dan even after all he did, the future that he thought he'd have, he's mourning him and Ryan. 

There's something coming for him. There's something, someone that wants him dead. He knows this feeling deep inside him, a familiar fluttering of nerves and a calm acceptance of the fact that he can't outrun his problems. And now he's dragged Ryan with him into this mess. His fault.

Ryan's worried. Gavin knows this objectively but can't really feel it. He knows that he worried him as he remained silent for the duration of the ride back here. He knows Ryan's worried about the way he's just sitting here, staring and clasping his hands but he can't make himself move. He's locked in this sense of dread, of vague nightmares and a lot of regret. 

He doesn't regret most of it. He doesn't regret the times he's had with Ryan. He regrets this pain that he's brought with him. He knows he should've been less selfish. He knows he should've stayed away, to be mindful of his baggage and not allow anyone else to become invested like this. 

He knows Ryan still believes and hopes. There's too much buzz in the room for that not to be the case but Gavin can't make himself trust that. He's runaway once before. He's tried all of the tricks in the book and yet these people found him. There's no way out. He's only going to get people killed. He's going to get Ryan killed. 

He wants to laugh. He always thought things between them would end with fire and blood but somehow, now? It seems all too soon. He misses the weight of their knife in his hands, he misses the comforting heaviness inside him that Ryan always manages to bring. He misses the good times. He smiles, a crooked smile that is reflected in the shiny glass in front of him. 

He's going to get Ryan killed. 

He thinks that he needs to do something. Anything really. His hands are sweaty in his grip, his leg is shaking, and his eyes are glued to the window. 

Thinking of Ryan is too painful. He feels his presence in the room, he can feel his eyes fluttering over to him every now and then and he feels the burn of his gaze on his skin, but he can't think about him now. He can't think about the way things are going to end, he can't think about Ryan not being there. He can't think about Ryan. 

His thought shift to Dan. His heart stutters, pain aching deeper and colder within him. He doesn't know what to think about him anymore. For so many years Dan had been the villain in his story. Well, he's not sure if that's true either. 

Painting things black and white would be so simple. It would be so simple to just call him a villain and let that be it. But he remembers all the good times, all the sweet times, he remembers them all. He can't shake the warmth that those memories bring him. And even though his side aches with the flashes of Dan's twisted face, the glimmer of a knife, even though he hurts so bad, he can't do that to Dan. 

He's torn. He wants things to be easy. To forget Dan's betrayal, to never have stolen that key the first time, to have met Ryan and to have stayed in bed. He wants to be rid of this feeling of hopelessness, to be free of this restrictive feeling in his chest. He wants to be with Ryan, his touch lingering on his skin as they watch a video Gavin found online entangled together to see from Gavin's phone. 

He wants trips, he wants to see that goddamn raccoon cafe Ryan talked about. He wants to lay on hot sand on a private island, he wants to go grocery shopping with Ryan, he wants pets and walks in parks. He wants it all, he feels greed filling him up and he sighs, lowering his head into his hands, closing his eyes to prevent the emotions raging inside of him from spilling out into the open air. He feels cut open, flayed in front of the world and he wants, and he wants but he doesn't know what he's wishing for. 

He feels the couch beside him dip down and he knows who sat down beside him without looking. Ryan's warm hand rests on his back, spreading warmth that Gavin didn't know he needed before it was there. Ryan brushes his head softly, just sitting there as Gavin realizes that he's struggling to breathe. 

He draws in a shuttering breath and some of the tension in his body melts away with Ryan's touch. His soul aches. 

"You alright?" Ryan asks, his voice soft and deep beside him and Gavin aches even more. How can he be like this when they both know that Gavin's doomed them both. He should just leave and run and never look back and hope that none of his problems linger here. 

As if Ryan can sense his thoughts, he sighs and pulls Gavin close to his chest, wrapping both of his arms around him and as much as Gavin feels like he's trapped he finds himself not minding that much. Maybe he doesn't have the resolve to go through with his thoughts, if the future is without Ryan. Maybe they'll just go out in a storm of blood together. Maybe that'll hurt less. 

"I've got you." Ryan mumbles. 

"That's the problem." Gavin replies, shutting his eyes tightly against Ryan's chest. He knows better than to wish for Ryan to not have heard him. Somehow he seems to hear everything anyway. 

"You're afraid." Ryan replies softly, hugging him closer before running his hand through Gavin's hair. 

"Are you not?" 

"No." Ryan replies and there's a sureness in his voice that confuses Gavin enough for him to lift his head and look up at Ryan. There's a spark of something he's never seen before in his eyes combined with a resolve that makes Gavin's heart flutter. 

"Why?" 

"Because I'm not afraid of thugs like this." Ryan replies with a smile and makes Gavin weak. "I've dealt with worse for way longer. You seem to forget who I am and how far I'll go to keep you safe and happy."

Gavin looks up into his eyes, trying to find the doubt and the lie. He can't find any trace of either. Ryan cups his cheek with his warm hand and presses a kiss on the tip of Gavin's nose. Gavin's fingers tighten around Ryan's shirt. 

"Let me take care of you babe." Ryan whispers against his lips before kissing him. Gavin feels at home with Ryan's lips against his own, tasting Ryan against him, pressing himself closer as he lets Ryan feel all of the emotions he's feeling.

"I trust you." Gavin whispers, his voice shaky as they break apart, knowing that he does just that. He trusts Ryan beyond words. If there's someone he'll follow to the end of the line, it's Ryan. "I trust you."


End file.
